At the wise age of 57, this piece reminds me of a time in my late 20’s when my job was peaking, when I had an amazing group of 6-8 friends, my family was close, and I had joined a country club (golf was my primary hobby). It was all so comfortable and perfect. I wanted to bottle it up and make it permanent.
Then over the course of a year, I was re-org’d into a different job, several friends moved away, and I was offered a job in a city 40 miles away and my playing golf after work went by the wayside. I struggled with what I would come to know as impermanence. That life is impermanent - as your essay describes, and my work was not to dread the impermanence but to accept it and embrace it. To live into the wonderful mystery of it. Over time as I was able to do this, I discovered that, like a tree shedding its bark in order to grow and not suffocate, that impermanence is the byproduct of growth, and that I was outgrowing my old life and way of being one life stage at a time. That my old life was in some way too small for me.
And finally, by 57 I have a collection of friends, from these different stages of impermanence - and that letting go of some old friends made room for new friends and relationships that would become deeper than the ones I was letting go of. And I suspect by the time I’m 67 and 77, one of two of my current friends will become a bit more distant as I make room for the one or two I haven’t yet met - like my sending you this (long) note this am, is one I’m not sending to someone else and a year ago we didn’t know each other - and THAT is wonderful in my book.
Wow James. This comment was an absolute treat to read. I had to reread a few times to really savour it (and it looks like a lot of other people appreciated your words here too!)
This was beautiful: “like a tree shedding its bark in order to grow and not suffocate, that impermanence is the byproduct of growth, and that I was outgrowing my old life and way of being one life stage at a time”
You’re so right on impermanence. And I suppose if you know you’re growing as an individual, and outgrowing your old self, it makes sense you’d outgrow your old life as well. It’s this delicate balance of appreciating but also letting go.
An idea I was thinking of tacking on here was about not trusting my memory, my past. Experienced always differs from remembered. I tend to be nostalgic and wistful but it’s sometimes illusory and pulls me out of enjoying my present experience. I actually think there’s a lot of beauty in the fact it’s irretrievable and unchangeable - in the same way there’s beauty in time passing.
Thank you SO much for reading & the thoughtful note. Seriously appreciate it.
“The only choice is to become a citizen of loss or stubbornly struggle against its inevitability. To lurk in the corner or step into the dance between grief and celebration. Grief for separation. Celebration that I was here at all to share a little slice of existence.” Being the same age as James Bailey, having a few decades on you, I have chosen to step into the dance after a lifetime on the sidelines. Ego aside, I will initiate, connect, in order to reach out to those important to me. Always. Forever. The choice to despair loss or maintain the relationships I have is really mine alone. In this day and age, no one needs to be any farther than a FaceTime. Can you repeat the 4 University years of beautiful friendships? No. But with humility, thoughtfulness and a group Zoom, you can keep your besties best. It’s your choice. Love as always, Dad.
Thanks Dad (: I love the idea of setting ego aside to reach out and initiate with those who are important. Similar to what Jack noted, it’s these bits of effort, consistent over time, to develop deep relationships.
I’ve been thinking of this idea of compounding in relationships-the depth you can reach over time with consistency.
Appreciate you reading & the thoughtful note. Means a lot
Rob, I just saw this after jotting you another note. Your expression using ego and humility is so perceptive. And your insight on choice reminds me of ‘Timshel’ in East of Eden - a life changing book for me.
Interesting piece, Tommy. "Loss is the price we pay for life" made me think. What is loss, really? I guess it's the separation from something physical, tangible. Something you can touch and hold. Viewed as such, loss shouldn't really bother me. Or should it? I used to attribute a much higher value to physical availability of things and people. Things changed with time. I still treasure to be with the ones I love, but at the same time I know that they are such a part of me that I will never really lose them. In my twenties, loss identified with such a steep price to pay. Now, not so much. Unless of course I decided to change the definition of loss, and enlarge it to include intangibles, feelings, memories, etc. But do I really lose them? I don't know. I love open questions. :)
Silvio, I always love reading your musings and thoughts. Thank you for reading & the reflection you wrote here. Loved it.
The shift from the tangible to the intangible through time is really interesting.
This was so good: “I know that they are such a part of me that I will never really lose them.”
Joseph Campbell said something similar after losing his parents. People never really die - a part of them, embodied in your actions and engrained in your memory, still lives on through you.
Thanks again for making me a little smarter (: means a lot
I loved the comparison of our life to a neighborhood garage sale. Everything. Must. Go. If you ever start selling swag you need to have a T-shirt with this on it.
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy! Reading your essay was like unwrapping a many-layered gift. I have been pondering loss, impermanence, and release lately, contemplating ways of describing these inevitable parts of life. You crafted so many images, insights, and emotions deftly.
What has come to mind for me is moving down a river. I can choose to flounder, desperately trying to breathe, or glide in a canoe with a strong paddle to adjust my speed. If I choose to rest beside a safe bank for a while to enjoy a scene, I can catch my breath. If I stay too long, I will miss the rest of the delights downstream. Companions may join me for part of the ride. We will always share a part of the stream, but they have their own journeys to take.
Thank you for awakening these emotions with your magic wand.
I love the river metaphor. That could be its own essay in itself! The especially helpful part of having stories or metaphors for ideas like these is when I notice myself clinging or missing the past, all I have to do is visualize a languid curving river... and I’m brought back to the idea of going with the flow and not swimming upstream.
Thank you SO much for your continual support, kind words and thoughtful insights that make me smarter every time.
Wow, JT an amazing metaphor: “If I stay too long, I will miss the rest of the delights downstream. Companions may join me for part of the ride. We will always share a part of the stream, but they have their own journeys to take.”
Such lovely writing. I always look forward to reading these... and hearing your life updates. It’s definitely a strange thing, people rising and falling in your life. Miniature empires in time built and destroyed. While it is not possible to recreate university times when all your friends live with you or are in a five minute walk, you can always keep those who are most important close. Since Jan 2021 I’ve had a weekly recurring call with my best pal. We only see each other once per month on average, less when I travel but I feel immensely close to him. Thanks for helping us think pal. Keep on writing.
Thanks Becky (: I’m sure I go overboard with the flowery language and need to cut back a bit but I really appreciate the kind words. Means a lot coming from you & wouldn’t be without all your feedback on drafts making me a better writer
great essay Tommy. im also back on the waking up app and am wondering why i ever left! did 15 mins a day everyday this month which has helped me (slightly) regain my sanity. hope its helping you too!
Haha me too Arman. I find it especially grounding in periods of chaos and stress. Like you can’t be stressed and listen to Sam Harris at the same time - not humanly possible
Ahhh this was beautiful. Thank you for reading & the super thoughtful reflection you left here. Had to reread it a few times and let it sink in.
This was so good: “that ‘things’ aren’t really the problem, it’s just our attachment to them that makes life difficult.”
I think about that often. Negative emotion isn’t negative itself, it’s our resistance to it. Like with work some days I’m dreading it, but realize, it’s entirely my choice whether to make it as painful or painless as possible.
Coming at it from the inside out is exactly right.
The ego is tricky but I’m slowly understanding how pervasive it is in my everyday life and even more slowly detaching myself from it.
Thanks again for reading & the lovely comment (: means a lot
Oh, Tommy. What a deep reflection here.
At the wise age of 57, this piece reminds me of a time in my late 20’s when my job was peaking, when I had an amazing group of 6-8 friends, my family was close, and I had joined a country club (golf was my primary hobby). It was all so comfortable and perfect. I wanted to bottle it up and make it permanent.
Then over the course of a year, I was re-org’d into a different job, several friends moved away, and I was offered a job in a city 40 miles away and my playing golf after work went by the wayside. I struggled with what I would come to know as impermanence. That life is impermanent - as your essay describes, and my work was not to dread the impermanence but to accept it and embrace it. To live into the wonderful mystery of it. Over time as I was able to do this, I discovered that, like a tree shedding its bark in order to grow and not suffocate, that impermanence is the byproduct of growth, and that I was outgrowing my old life and way of being one life stage at a time. That my old life was in some way too small for me.
And finally, by 57 I have a collection of friends, from these different stages of impermanence - and that letting go of some old friends made room for new friends and relationships that would become deeper than the ones I was letting go of. And I suspect by the time I’m 67 and 77, one of two of my current friends will become a bit more distant as I make room for the one or two I haven’t yet met - like my sending you this (long) note this am, is one I’m not sending to someone else and a year ago we didn’t know each other - and THAT is wonderful in my book.
The wisdom of impermanence.
OK - all done - sorry for the long note!
Wow James. This comment was an absolute treat to read. I had to reread a few times to really savour it (and it looks like a lot of other people appreciated your words here too!)
This was beautiful: “like a tree shedding its bark in order to grow and not suffocate, that impermanence is the byproduct of growth, and that I was outgrowing my old life and way of being one life stage at a time”
You’re so right on impermanence. And I suppose if you know you’re growing as an individual, and outgrowing your old self, it makes sense you’d outgrow your old life as well. It’s this delicate balance of appreciating but also letting go.
An idea I was thinking of tacking on here was about not trusting my memory, my past. Experienced always differs from remembered. I tend to be nostalgic and wistful but it’s sometimes illusory and pulls me out of enjoying my present experience. I actually think there’s a lot of beauty in the fact it’s irretrievable and unchangeable - in the same way there’s beauty in time passing.
Thank you SO much for reading & the thoughtful note. Seriously appreciate it.
Hope you had a lovely weekend (:
“The only choice is to become a citizen of loss or stubbornly struggle against its inevitability. To lurk in the corner or step into the dance between grief and celebration. Grief for separation. Celebration that I was here at all to share a little slice of existence.” Being the same age as James Bailey, having a few decades on you, I have chosen to step into the dance after a lifetime on the sidelines. Ego aside, I will initiate, connect, in order to reach out to those important to me. Always. Forever. The choice to despair loss or maintain the relationships I have is really mine alone. In this day and age, no one needs to be any farther than a FaceTime. Can you repeat the 4 University years of beautiful friendships? No. But with humility, thoughtfulness and a group Zoom, you can keep your besties best. It’s your choice. Love as always, Dad.
Thanks Dad (: I love the idea of setting ego aside to reach out and initiate with those who are important. Similar to what Jack noted, it’s these bits of effort, consistent over time, to develop deep relationships.
I’ve been thinking of this idea of compounding in relationships-the depth you can reach over time with consistency.
Appreciate you reading & the thoughtful note. Means a lot
Rob, I just saw this after jotting you another note. Your expression using ego and humility is so perceptive. And your insight on choice reminds me of ‘Timshel’ in East of Eden - a life changing book for me.
I’m planning to read East of Eden this year James! We’ll have to chat about it sometime when I do. Would love your perspective.
I plan on rereading it this year. It’s an absolutely magical read.
East of Eden is one of those masterpieces that brings a tinge of sadness as you near the end of the beautifully crafted book.
So true.
Interesting piece, Tommy. "Loss is the price we pay for life" made me think. What is loss, really? I guess it's the separation from something physical, tangible. Something you can touch and hold. Viewed as such, loss shouldn't really bother me. Or should it? I used to attribute a much higher value to physical availability of things and people. Things changed with time. I still treasure to be with the ones I love, but at the same time I know that they are such a part of me that I will never really lose them. In my twenties, loss identified with such a steep price to pay. Now, not so much. Unless of course I decided to change the definition of loss, and enlarge it to include intangibles, feelings, memories, etc. But do I really lose them? I don't know. I love open questions. :)
Thanks for this beautiful reflection.
Silvio, I always love reading your musings and thoughts. Thank you for reading & the reflection you wrote here. Loved it.
The shift from the tangible to the intangible through time is really interesting.
This was so good: “I know that they are such a part of me that I will never really lose them.”
Joseph Campbell said something similar after losing his parents. People never really die - a part of them, embodied in your actions and engrained in your memory, still lives on through you.
Thanks again for making me a little smarter (: means a lot
I loved the comparison of our life to a neighborhood garage sale. Everything. Must. Go. If you ever start selling swag you need to have a T-shirt with this on it.
Haha you keep giving me business ideas Rick! First posters now t-shirts!!
I’m glad the line resonated. Haley’s idea to put in the three periods.
Appreciate the support my friend (:
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy! Reading your essay was like unwrapping a many-layered gift. I have been pondering loss, impermanence, and release lately, contemplating ways of describing these inevitable parts of life. You crafted so many images, insights, and emotions deftly.
What has come to mind for me is moving down a river. I can choose to flounder, desperately trying to breathe, or glide in a canoe with a strong paddle to adjust my speed. If I choose to rest beside a safe bank for a while to enjoy a scene, I can catch my breath. If I stay too long, I will miss the rest of the delights downstream. Companions may join me for part of the ride. We will always share a part of the stream, but they have their own journeys to take.
Thank you for awakening these emotions with your magic wand.
Wow this was beautiful J.T.
I love the river metaphor. That could be its own essay in itself! The especially helpful part of having stories or metaphors for ideas like these is when I notice myself clinging or missing the past, all I have to do is visualize a languid curving river... and I’m brought back to the idea of going with the flow and not swimming upstream.
Thank you SO much for your continual support, kind words and thoughtful insights that make me smarter every time.
Appreciate you (:
Tommy, I am grateful for your thoughtful replies to my comments. It’s a joy whenever I see something from you.
🫶
Wow, JT an amazing metaphor: “If I stay too long, I will miss the rest of the delights downstream. Companions may join me for part of the ride. We will always share a part of the stream, but they have their own journeys to take.”
Thank you, James! I appreciate your kind words.
Such lovely writing. I always look forward to reading these... and hearing your life updates. It’s definitely a strange thing, people rising and falling in your life. Miniature empires in time built and destroyed. While it is not possible to recreate university times when all your friends live with you or are in a five minute walk, you can always keep those who are most important close. Since Jan 2021 I’ve had a weekly recurring call with my best pal. We only see each other once per month on average, less when I travel but I feel immensely close to him. Thanks for helping us think pal. Keep on writing.
Thanks Jack (: empires rising and falling is a lovely way of putting it
It’s a dangerous game to get to relive the past and I realize more and more how easy it is to slip into it.
Having a recurring call with a friend is a great idea - a way to create the space for a friendship to evolve
Thank you for reading & the thoughtful note (:
Deeply moving and reflective as usual ♥️
Thanks so much Jennifer (: really appreciate you reading & the kind words. Made me smile
An essay that causes my own form of reflection.
Thank you for the gem, Tommy.
I hope you thoroughly enjoyed every moment of being in Austin - I'm certain you did.
Thanks so much Anthony. That’s one of my top goals with my writing - to foster reflection, thought. So your words hit home.
Thank you for reading & being a friend (:
Something about your writing is blossoming really delicately: The fault lines of your hands. The garage sale analogy. The tattoo metaphor.
And as always, you leave me in contemplation. Much love to you, brother.
Thanks Becky (: I’m sure I go overboard with the flowery language and need to cut back a bit but I really appreciate the kind words. Means a lot coming from you & wouldn’t be without all your feedback on drafts making me a better writer
Hope you have a lovely week
great essay Tommy. im also back on the waking up app and am wondering why i ever left! did 15 mins a day everyday this month which has helped me (slightly) regain my sanity. hope its helping you too!
Haha me too Arman. I find it especially grounding in periods of chaos and stress. Like you can’t be stressed and listen to Sam Harris at the same time - not humanly possible
I feel like he and I are besties because he talks to me every morning. Kinda clingy tbh.
The two sentences that stood out. I felt them. Touching poetry. Great piece Tommy!
"Friendly with strangers, estranged from friends. A carousel of faces. Everyone just passing through."
"A reminder of what once was. Of what I could have had if I stayed. "
Terra, it’s so much fun as a writer to hear the words that resonate with people the most.
Thank you for reading & reminding me why I write (:
Appreciate you
Loved this piece of writing Tommy. Well done!👏✍️
Thanks so much Kevin (: appreciate your enthusiasm and support as always. Means a lot
The pleasure is always mine, Tommy. Keep going , you are on a roll !
Ahhh this was beautiful. Thank you for reading & the super thoughtful reflection you left here. Had to reread it a few times and let it sink in.
This was so good: “that ‘things’ aren’t really the problem, it’s just our attachment to them that makes life difficult.”
I think about that often. Negative emotion isn’t negative itself, it’s our resistance to it. Like with work some days I’m dreading it, but realize, it’s entirely my choice whether to make it as painful or painless as possible.
Coming at it from the inside out is exactly right.
The ego is tricky but I’m slowly understanding how pervasive it is in my everyday life and even more slowly detaching myself from it.
Thanks again for reading & the lovely comment (: means a lot
Thanks Bella! Little mind journey is a great way of putting it (and could probably be the title of my life haha)
Really appreciate you reading & the note (:
Hope you had a lovely weekend