Discussion about this post

User's avatar
James Bailey's avatar

Oh, Tommy. What a deep reflection here.

At the wise age of 57, this piece reminds me of a time in my late 20’s when my job was peaking, when I had an amazing group of 6-8 friends, my family was close, and I had joined a country club (golf was my primary hobby). It was all so comfortable and perfect. I wanted to bottle it up and make it permanent.

Then over the course of a year, I was re-org’d into a different job, several friends moved away, and I was offered a job in a city 40 miles away and my playing golf after work went by the wayside. I struggled with what I would come to know as impermanence. That life is impermanent - as your essay describes, and my work was not to dread the impermanence but to accept it and embrace it. To live into the wonderful mystery of it. Over time as I was able to do this, I discovered that, like a tree shedding its bark in order to grow and not suffocate, that impermanence is the byproduct of growth, and that I was outgrowing my old life and way of being one life stage at a time. That my old life was in some way too small for me.

And finally, by 57 I have a collection of friends, from these different stages of impermanence - and that letting go of some old friends made room for new friends and relationships that would become deeper than the ones I was letting go of. And I suspect by the time I’m 67 and 77, one of two of my current friends will become a bit more distant as I make room for the one or two I haven’t yet met - like my sending you this (long) note this am, is one I’m not sending to someone else and a year ago we didn’t know each other - and THAT is wonderful in my book.

The wisdom of impermanence.

OK - all done - sorry for the long note!

Expand full comment
Rob Dixon's avatar

“The only choice is to become a citizen of loss or stubbornly struggle against its inevitability. To lurk in the corner or step into the dance between grief and celebration. Grief for separation. Celebration that I was here at all to share a little slice of existence.” Being the same age as James Bailey, having a few decades on you, I have chosen to step into the dance after a lifetime on the sidelines. Ego aside, I will initiate, connect, in order to reach out to those important to me. Always. Forever. The choice to despair loss or maintain the relationships I have is really mine alone. In this day and age, no one needs to be any farther than a FaceTime. Can you repeat the 4 University years of beautiful friendships? No. But with humility, thoughtfulness and a group Zoom, you can keep your besties best. It’s your choice. Love as always, Dad.

Expand full comment
34 more comments...

No posts