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Jack Dixon's avatar

I opened this essay in a tab to read later but was immediately sucked in and couldn't stop reading til I got to the bottom. Beautiful writing pal.

You're becoming somewhat of the philosophical version of Eminem in 8 Mile or Goggins in Can't Hurt Me. Not afraid to say here I am, this is me, with all my flaws and weaknesses and imperfections. I'm not perfect but I'm not afraid to hide it. I accept who I am and where I've been. It's made me who I am and what I might be. (I'll only take a 50% cut of future earnings if you choose to use "The Philosophical Goggins" in any future branding... though Goggins may want the other 50).

I admire your courage to share openly, using your personal experiences and breadth of knowledge from reading and lectures to help us navigate through life a little bit better.

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Tommy Dixon's avatar

Hahaha this comment could be an essay in itself. Broke into a solid smile reading and re-reading. Eminem and Goggins are the archetype of "angry dude with demons" so hopefully not too much, besides their ability to turn adversity into something entirely new. I look up to both, but wouldn't want to be either.

Thank you for the support, mon frère. Means the world.

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Jack Dixon's avatar

Yes I was alluding to their ability to use their past failures or mishaps as fuel in the future, not trying to hide them or cover as many of us do in an attempt to appear perfectly human. You're not an angry dude with demons... at least no more demons than I or the rest of the world have.

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Tommy Dixon's avatar

Demons definitely burn up in the sunlight

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Rick Lewis's avatar

How much light can radiate out of the human shadow seems to be one of the great mysteries of the universe, which explains why your future looks so bright to me, because it's clear you are willing to take your whole humanity with you. That kind of wholeness is the driving force of art, spirituality, and human connection. Authenticity is the price of entry for a secret brotherhood among men. The currency of your storytelling is legal tender for the club.

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Tommy Dixon's avatar

Rick, damn if Substack ever has comment awards, you would win in a landslide. "Light out of a shadow" is fascinating and one I'll continue to ponder.

I hope the future is bright. I've definitely moved through some darkness, definitely made my mistakes but I'm optimistic.

Also: "Authenticity is the price of entry for a secret brotherhood among men". So good.

Trying hard to be honest. Although it scares me -- the vulnerability, being seen -- these types of pieces seem to resonate with people and have an impact and they're quite cathartic as a writer. Something about sharing in public that is the final act of letting go.

I'm scared to admit some of these things to a amorphous crowd but I actually just kept you, James, and Haley in my mind as my only readers and knew I would feel comfortable sharing it with you even if it was ugly.

Hope you have a lovely weekend (:

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James Bailey's avatar

Rick wins the Emmy for comment awards! And to be mentioned with Rick and Haley…I’m honored.

Today I started with the comments, now onto your main course Tommy ❤️

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Tommy Dixon's avatar

Rick's comments are always such a wealth of insight & reflection.

And you three both inspire me in writing & the type of person I want to be (: feel very lucky to be connected

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Rick Lewis's avatar

So glad to serve as a safe recipient for your beautiful sharing. I think the reason pieces like this resonate is because we all instinctually know we should be more scared of hiding "these things" from ourselves and from others than we should be of showing them. And, you also have a good sense of what is useful to share and what would be oversharing. I think those who overshare make their audience uncomfortable, because there is an absence of boundaries and even lack of personal responsibility being taken, as though the author is looking for some kind of rescue from the reader. For me you are walking the line of useful and honest sharing with just the right amount of vulnerability, disclosure, and agency. Which is not easy to do.

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Tommy Dixon's avatar

Thank you Rick. I've thought about towing that line a lot, but I'm never sure which side I land on. Because while I do want to be honest and hopefully speak to things other people feel they're alone in facing, I also want to maintain privacy and not be too brutal with myself.

Really appreciate the meaningful compliment. Hits home (:

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James Tippins's avatar

OK brother, this is a good one and it hits right to my heart feels. One piece of advice that I received two years ago during a very traumatic and similar experience. Is that “other peoples opinion of you is none of your business, James”

Wow, I must own my own failures, sins and shortcomings. I also understand that in many peoples eyes I will never be good and even some I will never be good enough. I’d love to chat more, but until then rest.

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Tommy Dixon's avatar

James! It's so good to hear from you & I'm so glad this piece resonated with you. I included more detail in the footnotes, but (especially on reflection) many of the ideas around not forgetting my transgressions are very Christian ideas (and useful ones, I've found!)

I love "other peoples opinion of you is none of your business". Some people may wield it as an excuse to be harmful but really, people can form such flash, half-baked or unfair opinions that taking on their weight can't be an act of self-love.

Thank you for reading & such a thought-provoking note. Keep well & chat soon (:

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CansaFis Foote's avatar

...what a total gem Tommy...we have all been there, moments we regret, poor decisions we have made, some we are caught for and some we have caught ourselves and carry...i like to think i am good, but know i am just a complex mess of good, bad, ok, alright, enh and yuck...how cool to give and get witness to it all...

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Tommy Dixon's avatar

Thank you for the support, CansaFis. This was definitely a scarier one to publish. Like "Am I seriously gonna tell people I did this???" but at least if I get cancelled I'll get lots of pageviews cuz i wrote it myself.

We all carry around the things we wish we could re-do, but I think the secret lies in carrying their weight lightly. We're complex creatures and at the end of the day, we're all doing our best.

Appreciate you reading & being a friend. Hope you have a lovely weekend (:

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Ryan Cobain's avatar

Beautiful stuff Tommy - thanks for sharing

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Tommy Dixon's avatar

Thank you Ryan - I appreciate you taking the time to read & I'm glad it resonated (:

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Alec McNayr's avatar

Loved this- I feel it. I’ve found it difficult to thread the needle between too cocky and too demure, but all with the same undercurrent of a lack of self-confidence. I suspect, from your writing, you’re wrestling with the same.

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Tommy Dixon's avatar

Thanks Alec (: appreciate you reading & the thoughtful note here

I'm definitely wrestling with the same - it's a tough line to walk. But perhaps the simple awareness of it means we're not as far off as we think.

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Charlie Bleecker's avatar

I've been thinking about this piece for a while and came back to talk about this:

"Even writing this, I’m afraid. That you’ll think I’m a bad person. I’m tempted to show proof that I’m not. I’m even more tempted to slide some proof in here as an example of the proof I didn’t include. 'See??? LOOK how good I am.'”

It feels counterintuitive, but to show proof that you're a good person does the opposite for the reader. Readers are smart and they can see right through desperation. Sharing the ugly—as you did in this piece—THAT'S the part that make me like you, it's what makes you relatable, because we have ALL done shitty things and acted in shitty ways and we would prefer to forget about those moments, shove them deep down and hope that no one ever finds out. By sharing that with us, you give us a feeling of relief with our own shit. Do you know how good that feels? It feels like I'm not alone, it feels like I'm seen, it feels like what I did is not the worst, most terrible thing in the world.

So I prefer to not share my wonderful moments, because mostly they're boring and unrelatable.

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Tommy Dixon's avatar

Charlie, it’s so good to hear from you. Getting a comment from you still makes me giddy. Thank you for all the kind words.

As painful as it can be for me at times (and scary) I found I want the main goal of my writing to be making people feel seen. I know how healing it’s been for me when other writers and artists do the same.

Funny story - I actually had some anecdotes on how I stopped drinking and did xyz good things and how I’m trying to be better. And then Haley in editing was like “this is a live laugh love moment. Cut” and linked your essay on it in the doc for me to reread hahaha. So helpful and really saved this essay. So thank YOU.

Hope you’re awesome & the memoir study is going well. Thank you again. For everything (: means so much

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Tom Pendergast's avatar

Congratulation on having the courage to see yourself as you are. It's fucking hard, isn't it? At the risk of sounding like the old guy, these are the kinds of questions I've been asking myself all my life. I think my best answers to myself are "try to be kind" and "keep at the things you find worthwhile."

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Tommy Dixon's avatar

It's very hard Tom. When I look inwards and try to be honest with myself, I see some ugly parts I'd rather not have exist. But I'm learning the best way to keep those parts from running into my waking life is to acknowledge they're there. It's a much better foundation to work off.

The funny thing about emotions I'm learning: often they don't need to be solved, they just want to be felt.

Thank you for reading my work & the kind words. Really appreciate it (:

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Camilo Moreno-Salamanca's avatar

"Good isn’t naive blindness. To be good is to know my own capacity for evil. To be intimate with my darkness, but not choose it"

I've been thinking of something very similar over the past week before reading this. I appreciate your honesty in this essay, Tommy. Good stuff as always!

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Tommy Dixon's avatar

Thank you Camilo (: it's so good to hear from you man. Hope you're keeping well & enjoying the West Coast.

It's a newer idea I've been exploring but one that feels very true. When I'm aware of all the ways I could "fall off" or choose wrong, I'm more likely to aim up and remain loyal to my ideal.

Appreciate you reading. Means a lot!

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Peter Ryan's avatar

Loved the essay. Self-understanding is key or as you eloquently put it " To be intimate with my darkness, but not choose it". I read an old journal entry from 4 years ago, about a party I attended, and I described people in a really mean and distasteful manner. Reading back, I realized, what a judgmental piece of crap I was/ am capable of being. It was definitely an awakening moment that created some positive reflection. Your writing is inspiring as usual.

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Tommy Dixon's avatar

Thank you for reading Peter and taking the time to leave an insightful note here.

I totally relate. I've been hyper critical of people in the past, even family, and then looked back at how unnecessary and unfair it was. It's a continual process of being aware of my judgments and realizing that I will silently judge and undermine myself in the same way I do with others.

Appreciate your thoughts here & hope to keep in touch!

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Scott's avatar

Nicely done. I’ve come back to this several times and it’s had me thinking all weekend.

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Tommy Dixon's avatar

Thank you for reading Scott. That's very kind to say & I'm glad the piece resonated.

I appreciate you taking the time (:

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Wayne Stoner's avatar

Hi Tommy! This is the first I’ve come across your work and got to say you got my attention. As others said, I appreciate the raw honesty. Definitely takes courage and there’s no guarantees on the response. But it appears to me that the reason you took the risk is because of a deep desire to embrace your authentic self, and may encourage others to do the same in the process.

I deeply relate to your story. Short version of my story is one of building a false self by learning from my world what they wanted me to be in hopes, it would create a lovable acceptable version. Not a shock that that self crashed and burned. It turns out that was one of the greatest gifts that ever happened to me and became the pathway to discover my true self. Gauging from your profile picture to be grappling with these truth at your age is very promising for your future. The discovery, that my true self is everything I ever wanted my false self to be has been one of my greatest joys in life. Blessings, my friend, on the journey of Destiny! You’re well on your way!

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Tommy Dixon's avatar

Wayne! Thank you for reading & taking the time to leave an insightful note here.

I'm trying hard to be honest. Although it scares me -- the vulnerability, being seen -- and takes a lot of courage, these types of pieces seem to resonate with people and have an impact, which feels meaningful as a writer. If I can help other people feel a little lighter, consoled.

And I love that you shared a bit of your story. I also spent years building a false self, trying to be liked, accepted. Perhaps because I didn't like who I was, wanted to be something or someone else.

I honestly think that type of "crashing & burning" experience is essential. Very hard to go through but, like you said, ultimately a gift. Rene Girard called it a "conversion" -- to see your mimetic desire shatter, see how fake it is. And like a phoenix, to rise and rebuild from those ashes. I'm 23 now and have probably had more than average suffering or pain, but I'm also grateful for how it's instructed me, guided me, molded me.

Thank you again for this beautiful comment & hope to keep in touch (:

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James Bailey's avatar

I just LOVE the raw and vulnerable Tommy! When you write about your insides, and how they meet the outside, you nourish our souls.

I’m 57 now and have my own unique background of making “not so good choices” too frequently in my early years. Always wanted to be better, had to “win” at others expense. It was so arrogant, and so exhausting.

I’m not sure when the spark of being of service to others occurred inside me, not to feed my ego, but rather to be a contribution to others and to life. With that frame, making good choices and feeding the “good wolf” became much more natural. I used to beat myself up for making not so good choices and would tell myself I was a bad person because of it. Now I look back and realize it’s the path I needed to take to move into a different place. PLUS, it makes me a better dad, to be able to empathize with my kids when they make not so good choices. We can talk about those choices and have me not “define” them by their choices.

Thank YOU for being the contribution you are to the world Tommy. 🙏

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Tommy Dixon's avatar

I love this so much James. Reread it a few times to let it sink in.

And the notion of being of service to others is something that's continually come up as I speak to people who are grounded, at peace, at ease with themselves and live meaningful lives. How can I serve and devote my life to others? It's a big question I feel I'm just beginning to answer. In my writing, my career, with my family and friends. I'm especially oriented around those I love and get so much joy from helping, creating experiences, making others happy.

I appreciate you sharing your life path too. I know I've made a lot of mistakes but they were all, in the end, part of my path and all essential and necessary to becoming who I am now. I'm actually in the middle of another mistake (booking another 2 month trip across the world then realizing I'm ready to come home) I'm just sorting through.

But looking to your story inspires me that I can "figure it out". Thank you for everything (:

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James Bailey's avatar

Tommy - sounds like when you booked the next 2 months it was a “choice” with the information and foresight you had at that time. Now that you realize you’re ready to come home, it might feel like a mistake, but you didn’t know then what you know now. So maybe it’s really a new “choice” to make. Life is such a “discovery” in the moment and the subsequent choices we make from there. ❤️

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Tommy Dixon's avatar

Thank you, James. I'm trying to tread lightly on myself (work in progress) and give myself freedom to change my mind when the facts change.

Your words hit home (:

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Heather Clark's avatar

Thank you for this essay.

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Tommy Dixon's avatar

Thank you for reading Heather. I appreciate you taking the time (:

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Bennett Jacobs's avatar

I really got sucked into this one. I just stopped in the middle of the grocery aisle with people walking around me for 5 minutes completely oblivious until I finished. It takes courage to write about these feelings that many of us experience but may not want to acknowledge. Thanks for sharing Tommy.

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Tommy Dixon's avatar

Haha this is such awesome feedback to hear. Thank you Bennett, means a lot. Appreciate you reading & taking the time to comment.

This one definitely took some courage but it's a story that was a signifigant impact on my life and I wanted to share for a while. And while I doubt anyone had an identical experience, I think questioning your own morality and being disliked by someone you want to be accepted by is quite a human universal.

Thanks again man and hope we can keep in touch (:

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Bennett Jacobs's avatar

Super relatable, have been there myself. I always enjoy your essays, keep em coming!

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Rob Tourtelot's avatar

Beautiful piece, Tommy. It’s stuck with me all day, and will continue to.

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Tommy Dixon's avatar

Thanks Rob! That's a really meaningful compliment (that will stick with me)

Appreciate you reading & taking the time to leave a note

Hope you have a lovely weekend (:

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