“You need to know, I don’t think you’re a good person.” The words came through my tiny phone speaker and hit me like an anaphylactic shock. Cold February light still spilled through my window. But a few mumbling moments later, I hung up. Watched myself crawl into bed, put my covers over my head, and cry.
I opened this essay in a tab to read later but was immediately sucked in and couldn't stop reading til I got to the bottom. Beautiful writing pal.
You're becoming somewhat of the philosophical version of Eminem in 8 Mile or Goggins in Can't Hurt Me. Not afraid to say here I am, this is me, with all my flaws and weaknesses and imperfections. I'm not perfect but I'm not afraid to hide it. I accept who I am and where I've been. It's made me who I am and what I might be. (I'll only take a 50% cut of future earnings if you choose to use "The Philosophical Goggins" in any future branding... though Goggins may want the other 50).
I admire your courage to share openly, using your personal experiences and breadth of knowledge from reading and lectures to help us navigate through life a little bit better.
How much light can radiate out of the human shadow seems to be one of the great mysteries of the universe, which explains why your future looks so bright to me, because it's clear you are willing to take your whole humanity with you. That kind of wholeness is the driving force of art, spirituality, and human connection. Authenticity is the price of entry for a secret brotherhood among men. The currency of your storytelling is legal tender for the club.
OK brother, this is a good one and it hits right to my heart feels. One piece of advice that I received two years ago during a very traumatic and similar experience. Is that “other peoples opinion of you is none of your business, James”
Wow, I must own my own failures, sins and shortcomings. I also understand that in many peoples eyes I will never be good and even some I will never be good enough. I’d love to chat more, but until then rest.
...what a total gem Tommy...we have all been there, moments we regret, poor decisions we have made, some we are caught for and some we have caught ourselves and carry...i like to think i am good, but know i am just a complex mess of good, bad, ok, alright, enh and yuck...how cool to give and get witness to it all...
I've been thinking about this piece for a while and came back to talk about this:
"Even writing this, I’m afraid. That you’ll think I’m a bad person. I’m tempted to show proof that I’m not. I’m even more tempted to slide some proof in here as an example of the proof I didn’t include. 'See??? LOOK how good I am.'”
It feels counterintuitive, but to show proof that you're a good person does the opposite for the reader. Readers are smart and they can see right through desperation. Sharing the ugly—as you did in this piece—THAT'S the part that make me like you, it's what makes you relatable, because we have ALL done shitty things and acted in shitty ways and we would prefer to forget about those moments, shove them deep down and hope that no one ever finds out. By sharing that with us, you give us a feeling of relief with our own shit. Do you know how good that feels? It feels like I'm not alone, it feels like I'm seen, it feels like what I did is not the worst, most terrible thing in the world.
So I prefer to not share my wonderful moments, because mostly they're boring and unrelatable.
Congratulation on having the courage to see yourself as you are. It's fucking hard, isn't it? At the risk of sounding like the old guy, these are the kinds of questions I've been asking myself all my life. I think my best answers to myself are "try to be kind" and "keep at the things you find worthwhile."
"Good isn’t naive blindness. To be good is to know my own capacity for evil. To be intimate with my darkness, but not choose it"
I've been thinking of something very similar over the past week before reading this. I appreciate your honesty in this essay, Tommy. Good stuff as always!
Loved the essay. Self-understanding is key or as you eloquently put it " To be intimate with my darkness, but not choose it". I read an old journal entry from 4 years ago, about a party I attended, and I described people in a really mean and distasteful manner. Reading back, I realized, what a judgmental piece of crap I was/ am capable of being. It was definitely an awakening moment that created some positive reflection. Your writing is inspiring as usual.
Hi Tommy! This is the first I’ve come across your work and got to say you got my attention. As others said, I appreciate the raw honesty. Definitely takes courage and there’s no guarantees on the response. But it appears to me that the reason you took the risk is because of a deep desire to embrace your authentic self, and may encourage others to do the same in the process.
I deeply relate to your story. Short version of my story is one of building a false self by learning from my world what they wanted me to be in hopes, it would create a lovable acceptable version. Not a shock that that self crashed and burned. It turns out that was one of the greatest gifts that ever happened to me and became the pathway to discover my true self. Gauging from your profile picture to be grappling with these truth at your age is very promising for your future. The discovery, that my true self is everything I ever wanted my false self to be has been one of my greatest joys in life. Blessings, my friend, on the journey of Destiny! You’re well on your way!
I just LOVE the raw and vulnerable Tommy! When you write about your insides, and how they meet the outside, you nourish our souls.
I’m 57 now and have my own unique background of making “not so good choices” too frequently in my early years. Always wanted to be better, had to “win” at others expense. It was so arrogant, and so exhausting.
I’m not sure when the spark of being of service to others occurred inside me, not to feed my ego, but rather to be a contribution to others and to life. With that frame, making good choices and feeding the “good wolf” became much more natural. I used to beat myself up for making not so good choices and would tell myself I was a bad person because of it. Now I look back and realize it’s the path I needed to take to move into a different place. PLUS, it makes me a better dad, to be able to empathize with my kids when they make not so good choices. We can talk about those choices and have me not “define” them by their choices.
Thank YOU for being the contribution you are to the world Tommy. 🙏
I really got sucked into this one. I just stopped in the middle of the grocery aisle with people walking around me for 5 minutes completely oblivious until I finished. It takes courage to write about these feelings that many of us experience but may not want to acknowledge. Thanks for sharing Tommy.
I opened this essay in a tab to read later but was immediately sucked in and couldn't stop reading til I got to the bottom. Beautiful writing pal.
You're becoming somewhat of the philosophical version of Eminem in 8 Mile or Goggins in Can't Hurt Me. Not afraid to say here I am, this is me, with all my flaws and weaknesses and imperfections. I'm not perfect but I'm not afraid to hide it. I accept who I am and where I've been. It's made me who I am and what I might be. (I'll only take a 50% cut of future earnings if you choose to use "The Philosophical Goggins" in any future branding... though Goggins may want the other 50).
I admire your courage to share openly, using your personal experiences and breadth of knowledge from reading and lectures to help us navigate through life a little bit better.
How much light can radiate out of the human shadow seems to be one of the great mysteries of the universe, which explains why your future looks so bright to me, because it's clear you are willing to take your whole humanity with you. That kind of wholeness is the driving force of art, spirituality, and human connection. Authenticity is the price of entry for a secret brotherhood among men. The currency of your storytelling is legal tender for the club.
OK brother, this is a good one and it hits right to my heart feels. One piece of advice that I received two years ago during a very traumatic and similar experience. Is that “other peoples opinion of you is none of your business, James”
Wow, I must own my own failures, sins and shortcomings. I also understand that in many peoples eyes I will never be good and even some I will never be good enough. I’d love to chat more, but until then rest.
...what a total gem Tommy...we have all been there, moments we regret, poor decisions we have made, some we are caught for and some we have caught ourselves and carry...i like to think i am good, but know i am just a complex mess of good, bad, ok, alright, enh and yuck...how cool to give and get witness to it all...
Beautiful stuff Tommy - thanks for sharing
I've been thinking about this piece for a while and came back to talk about this:
"Even writing this, I’m afraid. That you’ll think I’m a bad person. I’m tempted to show proof that I’m not. I’m even more tempted to slide some proof in here as an example of the proof I didn’t include. 'See??? LOOK how good I am.'”
It feels counterintuitive, but to show proof that you're a good person does the opposite for the reader. Readers are smart and they can see right through desperation. Sharing the ugly—as you did in this piece—THAT'S the part that make me like you, it's what makes you relatable, because we have ALL done shitty things and acted in shitty ways and we would prefer to forget about those moments, shove them deep down and hope that no one ever finds out. By sharing that with us, you give us a feeling of relief with our own shit. Do you know how good that feels? It feels like I'm not alone, it feels like I'm seen, it feels like what I did is not the worst, most terrible thing in the world.
So I prefer to not share my wonderful moments, because mostly they're boring and unrelatable.
Congratulation on having the courage to see yourself as you are. It's fucking hard, isn't it? At the risk of sounding like the old guy, these are the kinds of questions I've been asking myself all my life. I think my best answers to myself are "try to be kind" and "keep at the things you find worthwhile."
"Good isn’t naive blindness. To be good is to know my own capacity for evil. To be intimate with my darkness, but not choose it"
I've been thinking of something very similar over the past week before reading this. I appreciate your honesty in this essay, Tommy. Good stuff as always!
Loved the essay. Self-understanding is key or as you eloquently put it " To be intimate with my darkness, but not choose it". I read an old journal entry from 4 years ago, about a party I attended, and I described people in a really mean and distasteful manner. Reading back, I realized, what a judgmental piece of crap I was/ am capable of being. It was definitely an awakening moment that created some positive reflection. Your writing is inspiring as usual.
Nicely done. I’ve come back to this several times and it’s had me thinking all weekend.
Hi Tommy! This is the first I’ve come across your work and got to say you got my attention. As others said, I appreciate the raw honesty. Definitely takes courage and there’s no guarantees on the response. But it appears to me that the reason you took the risk is because of a deep desire to embrace your authentic self, and may encourage others to do the same in the process.
I deeply relate to your story. Short version of my story is one of building a false self by learning from my world what they wanted me to be in hopes, it would create a lovable acceptable version. Not a shock that that self crashed and burned. It turns out that was one of the greatest gifts that ever happened to me and became the pathway to discover my true self. Gauging from your profile picture to be grappling with these truth at your age is very promising for your future. The discovery, that my true self is everything I ever wanted my false self to be has been one of my greatest joys in life. Blessings, my friend, on the journey of Destiny! You’re well on your way!
I just LOVE the raw and vulnerable Tommy! When you write about your insides, and how they meet the outside, you nourish our souls.
I’m 57 now and have my own unique background of making “not so good choices” too frequently in my early years. Always wanted to be better, had to “win” at others expense. It was so arrogant, and so exhausting.
I’m not sure when the spark of being of service to others occurred inside me, not to feed my ego, but rather to be a contribution to others and to life. With that frame, making good choices and feeding the “good wolf” became much more natural. I used to beat myself up for making not so good choices and would tell myself I was a bad person because of it. Now I look back and realize it’s the path I needed to take to move into a different place. PLUS, it makes me a better dad, to be able to empathize with my kids when they make not so good choices. We can talk about those choices and have me not “define” them by their choices.
Thank YOU for being the contribution you are to the world Tommy. 🙏
Thank you for this essay.
I really got sucked into this one. I just stopped in the middle of the grocery aisle with people walking around me for 5 minutes completely oblivious until I finished. It takes courage to write about these feelings that many of us experience but may not want to acknowledge. Thanks for sharing Tommy.
Beautiful piece, Tommy. It’s stuck with me all day, and will continue to.
Nicely done!