Once again your words find their way to the very soul and essence of what it means to be human. So many wonderfully composed gems to devour and ponder. For now, I'm going to linger on this one:
"We are all born with this deep, complex interiority. You could call it the soul, whatever it is within you that is unchanging and unblemished; unwounded, despite that pain you’ve experienced. But nobody can see it. You can’t even see it—not really. But without having to understand it exactly, you can notice what kinds of people dissolve in your interiority, fuse with it, expand and aliven it. You will not be able to explain how or why this works. You will only be able to assent. And through this fusion and expansion you see more of who you are, more of what is within you. It is drawn out of you, mostly to your surprise."
I agree that there is a very interesting "chemistry" that occurs between you and each person you resonate with, and I find this to be a very profound idea. Certainly more profound than the culturally persistent idea of a soulmate.
With the soulmate idea, there is supposedly one person (friend, lover, both) who fits you perfectly and you are stumbling around looking for them. Whereas, with the chemistry idea (the term I'm just gonna go with), you fuse in different ways with different people and so ultimately, you are choosing _how_ you want to change and _who_ you want to become, based on who you are choosing to spend your time, or ultimately, your life with. It's true that certain people will bring something out of you that others won't; there may still be "soulmates" in a sense, but we are actively choosing them. Thoughts off the top of my head after reading this, anway -- beautiful essay!
Friendship is the basis of all relationship - I agree with this. At the root of my 12 year marriage is a friendship, if I can't treat her like a friend, it doesn't work and we don't last this long. I think of my aging parents. At this point, friendship with them is important. And though with my kids, it's clearly different because I have to provide for them and keep them safe, I do have a friendship with them and that is what will hopefully last when they are older. Great essay, I bow to you like they do in Thailand!
There’s a quote in the movie Ladybird that when I first heard it, I disagreed with: “Don't you think maybe they are the same thing? Love and attention?” But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown fond of the idea of being students of each other, and that a major part of love is being attentive to that person in front of us. Loved this piece and the sentiments within it, Tommy. Well expressed. Moving!
Ah this is perfect, beautifully put. Me and my friends have created a word for this moment of sensitivity that you’ve described so well. We use an onomatopoeia I won’t even begin to try and spell to depict the glimmer glinting off someone’s eyes when it happens. When you meet someone and you both understand, a look on their face when something happens in the room, a smirk, something one of you says. It’s unbeatable and there aren’t really many words for it to be described in our language. It’s before there’s any time for ‘chemistry’ and it’s after (and deeper) than ‘attraction’. It just sits somewhere in the magical middle. Romantically and platonically, I live for it.
I’ve also moved to a new place recently and it’s very interesting making friends as an adult, and that exact realisation you describe. All you’re really looking for is that mythical third space that gets created, the ‘conversational space’ you speak about here, taking you both out of your consciousness for a while.
Putting yourself in the environments to meet friends you ‘should’ be meeting.. yet you don’t feel particularly excited. Then out of nowhere, in a space you weren’t expecting, you experience that ineffable glimmer in someone’s eyes.
Thank you for another insightful and delightful read
Thank you for reading Majorie and leaving such a beautiful reflection here. There certainly is something about that glimmer in the eyes. There's an old saying I read somewhere about how "love comes in through the eyes". Platonic or romantic, the same.
Another beautiful piece Tommy. I felt transported back to that little stretch of text in John's Gospel where Christ says, "I have called you friends, because I have told you everything I have heard from my Father" and the immediate following command is to love one another. From there was born the most enduring friendships that even today the Bishops in Rome still lay hands in prayer on believers far flung that one like me can say, yes I have made contact with another in an unbroken chain of friendship with God. Yet even Peter couldn't conceive how his friendship would be with Jesus. That the Christ had to say get behind me Satan, demonstrates the alienation of selfish expectations on relationships. As you alluded to, what a cancer it is to use wealth to shield one's self from the souls who will help us see who we need to be. I am grateful to have exchanged so many notes with you, especially recently, my friend.
Thank you Steven. It always brings a smile to my face to see your name here. And that's such a good link back to Scripture (I am in John right now!) There's an almost unbearable sadness in the Last Supper when you realize these were Jesus' friends he wanted to share a final meal with, but he also knew would abandon him.
I loved reading this and resonate deeply because I think I'm finally in a place in life where this makes sense and playing out over and over, instead of making sure they meet the 'checklist' first.
This was such a lovely and encouraging read. It made me so thankful for the people I have experienced this with. It also made me think of some of what CS Lewis has said about friendship in The Four Loves! “Those are the golden sessions when our slippers are on, our feet spread out towards the blaze, when the whole world, and something beyond the world, opens itself to our minds as we talk.”
I just fell in love with each of my best friends again through your words. Tommy, this was truly unbelievable. Awe-evoking. Transporting. Stunning. Thank you so much for putting language to what this type of friendship really is!
"An admiration of each other’s character and what they stand for." Truly the mark of the strongest relationships in the world.
Once again your words find their way to the very soul and essence of what it means to be human. So many wonderfully composed gems to devour and ponder. For now, I'm going to linger on this one:
"We are all born with this deep, complex interiority. You could call it the soul, whatever it is within you that is unchanging and unblemished; unwounded, despite that pain you’ve experienced. But nobody can see it. You can’t even see it—not really. But without having to understand it exactly, you can notice what kinds of people dissolve in your interiority, fuse with it, expand and aliven it. You will not be able to explain how or why this works. You will only be able to assent. And through this fusion and expansion you see more of who you are, more of what is within you. It is drawn out of you, mostly to your surprise."
So, so very good!
Thank you :) Appreciate you reading & the kind words here
I agree that there is a very interesting "chemistry" that occurs between you and each person you resonate with, and I find this to be a very profound idea. Certainly more profound than the culturally persistent idea of a soulmate.
With the soulmate idea, there is supposedly one person (friend, lover, both) who fits you perfectly and you are stumbling around looking for them. Whereas, with the chemistry idea (the term I'm just gonna go with), you fuse in different ways with different people and so ultimately, you are choosing _how_ you want to change and _who_ you want to become, based on who you are choosing to spend your time, or ultimately, your life with. It's true that certain people will bring something out of you that others won't; there may still be "soulmates" in a sense, but we are actively choosing them. Thoughts off the top of my head after reading this, anway -- beautiful essay!
Ah that's so good Brenna. Thank you for reading & leaving such a beautiful reflection here (:
Friendship is the basis of all relationship - I agree with this. At the root of my 12 year marriage is a friendship, if I can't treat her like a friend, it doesn't work and we don't last this long. I think of my aging parents. At this point, friendship with them is important. And though with my kids, it's clearly different because I have to provide for them and keep them safe, I do have a friendship with them and that is what will hopefully last when they are older. Great essay, I bow to you like they do in Thailand!
Ah that's so good. Thank you for reading & such a beautiful reflection here Istiaq (:
There’s a quote in the movie Ladybird that when I first heard it, I disagreed with: “Don't you think maybe they are the same thing? Love and attention?” But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown fond of the idea of being students of each other, and that a major part of love is being attentive to that person in front of us. Loved this piece and the sentiments within it, Tommy. Well expressed. Moving!
Ah that's so good Grace. My mind goes to that classic Mary Oliver quote: "Attention is the beginning of devotion."
This is beautiful. I can't wait to share it.
Ah this is perfect, beautifully put. Me and my friends have created a word for this moment of sensitivity that you’ve described so well. We use an onomatopoeia I won’t even begin to try and spell to depict the glimmer glinting off someone’s eyes when it happens. When you meet someone and you both understand, a look on their face when something happens in the room, a smirk, something one of you says. It’s unbeatable and there aren’t really many words for it to be described in our language. It’s before there’s any time for ‘chemistry’ and it’s after (and deeper) than ‘attraction’. It just sits somewhere in the magical middle. Romantically and platonically, I live for it.
I’ve also moved to a new place recently and it’s very interesting making friends as an adult, and that exact realisation you describe. All you’re really looking for is that mythical third space that gets created, the ‘conversational space’ you speak about here, taking you both out of your consciousness for a while.
Putting yourself in the environments to meet friends you ‘should’ be meeting.. yet you don’t feel particularly excited. Then out of nowhere, in a space you weren’t expecting, you experience that ineffable glimmer in someone’s eyes.
Thank you for another insightful and delightful read
Thank you for reading Majorie and leaving such a beautiful reflection here. There certainly is something about that glimmer in the eyes. There's an old saying I read somewhere about how "love comes in through the eyes". Platonic or romantic, the same.
Another beautiful piece Tommy. I felt transported back to that little stretch of text in John's Gospel where Christ says, "I have called you friends, because I have told you everything I have heard from my Father" and the immediate following command is to love one another. From there was born the most enduring friendships that even today the Bishops in Rome still lay hands in prayer on believers far flung that one like me can say, yes I have made contact with another in an unbroken chain of friendship with God. Yet even Peter couldn't conceive how his friendship would be with Jesus. That the Christ had to say get behind me Satan, demonstrates the alienation of selfish expectations on relationships. As you alluded to, what a cancer it is to use wealth to shield one's self from the souls who will help us see who we need to be. I am grateful to have exchanged so many notes with you, especially recently, my friend.
Thank you Steven. It always brings a smile to my face to see your name here. And that's such a good link back to Scripture (I am in John right now!) There's an almost unbearable sadness in the Last Supper when you realize these were Jesus' friends he wanted to share a final meal with, but he also knew would abandon him.
Wonderful article, makes me question how I and the people around me approach relationships entirely - thanks :)
Such a superb article! Probably the best thing I've read about friendship. Excellent job.
I loved reading this and resonate deeply because I think I'm finally in a place in life where this makes sense and playing out over and over, instead of making sure they meet the 'checklist' first.
This was such a lovely and encouraging read. It made me so thankful for the people I have experienced this with. It also made me think of some of what CS Lewis has said about friendship in The Four Loves! “Those are the golden sessions when our slippers are on, our feet spread out towards the blaze, when the whole world, and something beyond the world, opens itself to our minds as we talk.”
I just fell in love with each of my best friends again through your words. Tommy, this was truly unbelievable. Awe-evoking. Transporting. Stunning. Thank you so much for putting language to what this type of friendship really is!
That's beautiful Charlotte (: thank you for reading & the kind words
People who are willing to stick by our side as we sort through the rubble of ourselves.
The whole essay is so true.
Wonderful 🙏🙂
“Attention is the beginning of devotion” Mary Oliver.