“It's hard to be hurt. Even harder, perhaps, to hurt the people you love. To realize you're capable of loving someone and hurting them, at the same time.”
Amen, Tommy.
And then to learn to forgive yourself, and others, ongoingly, after hurting them, and being hurt.
At a talking circle once the question was: what’s the greatest gift you’ve ever given someone?
Many people’s minds went to presents or even favors. But really, the greatest gift we can give someone, is forgiveness. That ongoing process of knowing there’ll be bumps and bruises in any relationship but knowing that’s part of shaping each other, perhaps.
And love. And letting our young ones know that all three are there for them, always, as long as they do the task that’s right in front of them, as best they can. And that there are no mistakes or need for apologies once they are giving it their best shot, that this is how you learn, and each task, done well, slowly adds up to a good life. And hopefully, a good legacy for ourselves. If I’m remembered as someone who taught my young clan resilience, by sometimes nudging more firmly than at other times, and who forgave always, was grateful to be of service, and loved unconditionally, I’ll move on to the next chapter with a smile on my face.
Reminded me of this note I wrote back in January: “Sometimes the things we worry others will find silly or strange about us turns out to be the exact reasons they find us delightful. Not despite the quirks and twists and turns, but because of them”
Thanks Carina (: and wow that note is so good. It’s really people’s rough edges that make them interesting, and perhaps more loveable.
I read something once that different or strange people, maybe quirky, are harder to break up with, because they’re so unique. Not sure if it’s true but made me think.
Men of my generation loaded our expectations for this kind of vulnerable connection onto a romantic partner and it wasn't until I was in my 40s that I realized I wanted to build these kinds of relationships with other men. Those friendships, once completely avoided by me, are now the cornerstone of my mental health, professional evolution, and personal joy.
Ah that’s so good Rick. Reading this, I realize it sounds like it’s geared entirely toward romance but I think much of it, if not all, applies to friendship. We want to be our whole selves around our friends, without filtering or acting or hiding anything. With men, there’s the guise of not being afraid or talking about struggles or emotions. But all my best friendships had that openness that allowed both of us to be fully human.
Completely agree Noha. Relationships are inevitably friction filled. The trouble is when I buy into the myth that with the right partner or friend it’ll be easy and no friction will exist.
Appreciate you reading & leaving your thoughts here. Brings a big smile to my face (:
Not only do I agree that showing your whole self to someone is beautiful, I also believe the more you do that, with more people... show up with complete vulnerability, the deeper your whole life becomes. I actually just wrote about that myself.
What a fantastic read. With respect to the first point, I used to view this with a certain pessimism. That is how painful it felt to expose the full, imperfect version of yourself, only to have someone turn away. I think I look at it differently now. There’s an undeniable value in those moments. They reveal aspects of ourselves that would otherwise remain unexamined, which, I believe, pushes us to understand who we are beneath the surface. It’s a rare kind of self-awareness that comes from embracing not avoiding those imperfections. There is beauty in everything, even pain.
Thank you Brooke, for reading and writing such a beautiful reflection here. Your ending especially was so good: "There is beauty in everything, even pain."
It's that difficult act of saying yes to life, affirming everything that happens, knowing it is what is needed, seeing the beauty in it.
This is beautiful I'm so blessed to be with someone who loves my flaws & all, I was always told you can't love someone if you don't love yourself that work on loving yourself first yet being in my recent relationship done more good for my self worth than anything else!! Don't wait till you're healed...... real love is building something together the ups & the downs to communicate & listen it takes effort & care, love is the most beautiful thing in the world & I'm so glad I've got that in my life along with my 3 beautiful children, warts & all 🙏✨
The hardest things I have ever done is learn to love myself. The most beautiful thing I have ever done is learn to love myself. The most generous thing I have ever done for another person is learn to love myself.
Turns out lots of giving amplifies receiving in a way my brain and heart never thought possible. :)
I spent so many years trying to run from the friction and effort in relationship that I missed out on the best parts of commitment and longevity. I did a lot of hurting in that time--causing and feeling. Still now, there is hurting as I love and grow and learn how to share all my parts with someone, but yes, much beauty. So much beauty.
i know a lot of people, but I feel that very few people know me. I hardly ever feel truly seen and when that comes around, I want to nourish that relationship.
The depth and lucidness of your writing never ceases to amaze me. Every line of this essay is so finely tuned and dialed in. But this one especially stuck with me:
"Love is a one-way street. We may never feel loved, with ongoing certainty and crystal clarity, but we can ceaselessly commit ourselves to loving others, and glimpse the reflection of love in the mirror of their eyes."
Such a wonderful spiky take against the commonly accepted notion that love must go both ways. You can only control your actions and who you love, the rest is not up to you. Thanks for making the world a more beautiful place by publishing every week, Tommy.
Thanks Jack (: that line was a bit of a stretch for me but I’m pretty sure I believe it. Contrary to the culture of self love and self care that runs rampant. But I’m starting to question if it’s real. If anything, we’re much more built to love others than ourselves. It’s a much purer form of love. There’s a reason why it’s so much easier to love people despite their flaws, than ourselves.
I think self love is real but it’s quieter and subtler and more humble than we’re led to believe.
I am currently reading the novel A 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez and what you have just written is a wonderful exploration of what I’ve been contemplating while reading it.
Even being broken, bruised and worn by life, we still manage to love and be loved, if we try to lock ourselves away, physically or emotionally. Because it is our nature. And that is beautiful.
100 Years of Solitude has been on my reading list for a while but haven’t got to it yet. But so interesting the themes intertwine - I’m sure I’d really enjoy it
Thank you for reading & the kind words. Appreciate you being here (:
“It's hard to be hurt. Even harder, perhaps, to hurt the people you love. To realize you're capable of loving someone and hurting them, at the same time.”
Amen, Tommy.
And then to learn to forgive yourself, and others, ongoingly, after hurting them, and being hurt.
At a talking circle once the question was: what’s the greatest gift you’ve ever given someone?
Many people’s minds went to presents or even favors. But really, the greatest gift we can give someone, is forgiveness. That ongoing process of knowing there’ll be bumps and bruises in any relationship but knowing that’s part of shaping each other, perhaps.
Thank you James (: hope your week is lovely
So true Tommy.
Forgiveness is,from my perspective, the difference between the Old Testament and the New Testament.
Exactly! Forgiveness and gratitude. Do you agree?
And love. And letting our young ones know that all three are there for them, always, as long as they do the task that’s right in front of them, as best they can. And that there are no mistakes or need for apologies once they are giving it their best shot, that this is how you learn, and each task, done well, slowly adds up to a good life. And hopefully, a good legacy for ourselves. If I’m remembered as someone who taught my young clan resilience, by sometimes nudging more firmly than at other times, and who forgave always, was grateful to be of service, and loved unconditionally, I’ll move on to the next chapter with a smile on my face.
Yes, of course LOVE! Without it, gratitude and forgiveness are impossible.
Well put.
This was really beautiful!
Reminded me of this note I wrote back in January: “Sometimes the things we worry others will find silly or strange about us turns out to be the exact reasons they find us delightful. Not despite the quirks and twists and turns, but because of them”
Thanks Carina (: and wow that note is so good. It’s really people’s rough edges that make them interesting, and perhaps more loveable.
I read something once that different or strange people, maybe quirky, are harder to break up with, because they’re so unique. Not sure if it’s true but made me think.
Appreciate you reading!
Men of my generation loaded our expectations for this kind of vulnerable connection onto a romantic partner and it wasn't until I was in my 40s that I realized I wanted to build these kinds of relationships with other men. Those friendships, once completely avoided by me, are now the cornerstone of my mental health, professional evolution, and personal joy.
Ah that’s so good Rick. Reading this, I realize it sounds like it’s geared entirely toward romance but I think much of it, if not all, applies to friendship. We want to be our whole selves around our friends, without filtering or acting or hiding anything. With men, there’s the guise of not being afraid or talking about struggles or emotions. But all my best friendships had that openness that allowed both of us to be fully human.
Love it (:
The truth is real relationships are friction-filled - yes. And that’s ok. And that’s the reality
Completely agree Noha. Relationships are inevitably friction filled. The trouble is when I buy into the myth that with the right partner or friend it’ll be easy and no friction will exist.
Appreciate you reading & leaving your thoughts here. Brings a big smile to my face (:
...i put the jorts in the basement...this feels like a call to get them out and throw on a wallet chain...
Hahaha gotta have the wallet chain. Maybe trip the jorts an extra inch just to keep things interesting
Not only do I agree that showing your whole self to someone is beautiful, I also believe the more you do that, with more people... show up with complete vulnerability, the deeper your whole life becomes. I actually just wrote about that myself.
Ah I love that Mikaela. The idea of fullness allowing you to deepen into life. That connection between wholeness and depth.
Thank you for reading and sharing such a beautiful thought. Hope your week is lovely (:
What a fantastic read. With respect to the first point, I used to view this with a certain pessimism. That is how painful it felt to expose the full, imperfect version of yourself, only to have someone turn away. I think I look at it differently now. There’s an undeniable value in those moments. They reveal aspects of ourselves that would otherwise remain unexamined, which, I believe, pushes us to understand who we are beneath the surface. It’s a rare kind of self-awareness that comes from embracing not avoiding those imperfections. There is beauty in everything, even pain.
Thank you Brooke, for reading and writing such a beautiful reflection here. Your ending especially was so good: "There is beauty in everything, even pain."
It's that difficult act of saying yes to life, affirming everything that happens, knowing it is what is needed, seeing the beauty in it.
This is beautiful I'm so blessed to be with someone who loves my flaws & all, I was always told you can't love someone if you don't love yourself that work on loving yourself first yet being in my recent relationship done more good for my self worth than anything else!! Don't wait till you're healed...... real love is building something together the ups & the downs to communicate & listen it takes effort & care, love is the most beautiful thing in the world & I'm so glad I've got that in my life along with my 3 beautiful children, warts & all 🙏✨
Beautiful reflection (: thank you for reading
The hardest things I have ever done is learn to love myself. The most beautiful thing I have ever done is learn to love myself. The most generous thing I have ever done for another person is learn to love myself.
Turns out lots of giving amplifies receiving in a way my brain and heart never thought possible. :)
I love that Jessie - thank you for reading and leaving such a beautiful reflection (: reminds me why I write
big fan of you
I spent so many years trying to run from the friction and effort in relationship that I missed out on the best parts of commitment and longevity. I did a lot of hurting in that time--causing and feeling. Still now, there is hurting as I love and grow and learn how to share all my parts with someone, but yes, much beauty. So much beauty.
Beautiful Kelli, completely agree. Thank you for reading and leaving such a lovely reflection (:
I also think masculine love is a huge thing that is missing in our current dialogue
Totally agree Andrew - it's not really a topic any talk about or even try to understand. One that's loomed large on my mind.
The most beautiful law in the world is that when you do something good for someone, you can't help but feel awesome!
Ah I love that Mladena (: Thank you for reading!
i know a lot of people, but I feel that very few people know me. I hardly ever feel truly seen and when that comes around, I want to nourish that relationship.
I think that’s one of the perils of the modern world. Connected to everyone but close to no one.
You’re right. Closeness is rare. When we find it, it’s worth holding on.
Thank you for reading Elizabeth and the lovely reflection (:
The depth and lucidness of your writing never ceases to amaze me. Every line of this essay is so finely tuned and dialed in. But this one especially stuck with me:
"Love is a one-way street. We may never feel loved, with ongoing certainty and crystal clarity, but we can ceaselessly commit ourselves to loving others, and glimpse the reflection of love in the mirror of their eyes."
Such a wonderful spiky take against the commonly accepted notion that love must go both ways. You can only control your actions and who you love, the rest is not up to you. Thanks for making the world a more beautiful place by publishing every week, Tommy.
Thanks Jack (: that line was a bit of a stretch for me but I’m pretty sure I believe it. Contrary to the culture of self love and self care that runs rampant. But I’m starting to question if it’s real. If anything, we’re much more built to love others than ourselves. It’s a much purer form of love. There’s a reason why it’s so much easier to love people despite their flaws, than ourselves.
I think self love is real but it’s quieter and subtler and more humble than we’re led to believe.
Thank you brother
I am currently reading the novel A 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez and what you have just written is a wonderful exploration of what I’ve been contemplating while reading it.
Even being broken, bruised and worn by life, we still manage to love and be loved, if we try to lock ourselves away, physically or emotionally. Because it is our nature. And that is beautiful.
Thank you for sharing. (:
Ah I love that Amani. So good.
100 Years of Solitude has been on my reading list for a while but haven’t got to it yet. But so interesting the themes intertwine - I’m sure I’d really enjoy it
Thank you for reading & the kind words. Appreciate you being here (:
To know and be known! Such a true gift. Beautiful writing as always, Tommy, thanks for sharing.
Thank you Karyn (: appreciate you reading & the kind words