The last two weeks: waking at 5am in a tent, gray and gritty light poking through the stretched nylon. Two hours of yoga and meditation. Watching white laces of mist weave through densely wooded hills in the distance. A witness to this immense, fiery ball as it peeks above the rows of rubber trees from the balcony of the east. Breaking the fast then breaking the silence. Mornings under an unforgiving sun. Digging holes, sawing wood, mixing cement, building bamboo beds, and digging more holes. Caking my feet and legs and hands and face in dirt—for the first time since the last time I played in my backyard, whenever that was. Soreness in my shoulders but freshness in my lungs. Forgetting calendars and clocks, forgetting feeling clean, forgetting what I look like. Lazy afternoons reading Pride and Prejudice, swimming in a deliciously cool river. Long hugs and soft smiles. Evenings for teaching, talking, and tears. Staring up at a crystal bath of stars.
"Being fully transparent, I have no clue how to put less pressure on myself. It feels like a term from some new foreign language. I don’t think I’m that hard on myself. I just am."
We have this in common, Tommy. Years ago, at a retreat with my development community, I discovered that the gifts I could give myself were love, self-compassion, and grace—not in an attempt to be less hard on myself or to eliminate that from my way of being, but to complement it. What I discovered over time is that the harness on myself transformed into something like "candor" with myself because the "harshness" was neutralized when accompanied by grace.
re; "Did I ever have a touch to lose?" I haven't been following your work for very long, but I love the words you find. "Staring up at a crystal bath of stars." and "My thoughts branch and weave and twist like roots." So yes, you have a touch to lose, but you haven't lost it. We don't always have all the answers, as you say. I do think it's really about keeping the search alive (just wrote about that here: https://livingtostayawake.substack.com/p/reviving-the-search-of-your-childhood shameless, or perhaps shameful, plug).
I too am hard on myself, always have been. I don't walk around shaming myself but I have a deep fear of "wasting this life" so I'm always pushing. Just yesterday I was researching what's behind that. Lots of theories but nothing rang like an absolute truth to me. Would love to read your thoughts about it sometime if you reflect further on it.
If it takes some space and time between your posts to produce writing of this quality so be it. This is soaked through with the quality of presence you are cultivating. I'm enriched by it. Some sentences jumped out at me, but I wouldn't feel comfortable quoting them here any more than I'd attempt to share my appreciation of a rose by removing a petal, leaf, or thorn and holding it up as proof. This is beautiful because it is so inseparably whole.
Reading your thoughts brought this to mind. Intense pressure creates diamonds. While that’s true, I like to remember that air, sunlight, room to stretch roots, and refreshing water create daffodils and lilies of the valley each spring.
I DONT KNOW HOW TO PUT LESS PRESSURE ON MYSELF EITHER. if I had a penny for every time someone tells me to stop being so hard on myself. Thanks for sharing.
..."I’m strongest at all the broken places" - I wonder if the mind bones fuse better the way muscle improves after you rip them running and lifting weights...
"Being fully transparent, I have no clue how to put less pressure on myself. It feels like a term from some new foreign language. I don’t think I’m that hard on myself. I just am."
We have this in common, Tommy. Years ago, at a retreat with my development community, I discovered that the gifts I could give myself were love, self-compassion, and grace—not in an attempt to be less hard on myself or to eliminate that from my way of being, but to complement it. What I discovered over time is that the harness on myself transformed into something like "candor" with myself because the "harshness" was neutralized when accompanied by grace.
re; "Did I ever have a touch to lose?" I haven't been following your work for very long, but I love the words you find. "Staring up at a crystal bath of stars." and "My thoughts branch and weave and twist like roots." So yes, you have a touch to lose, but you haven't lost it. We don't always have all the answers, as you say. I do think it's really about keeping the search alive (just wrote about that here: https://livingtostayawake.substack.com/p/reviving-the-search-of-your-childhood shameless, or perhaps shameful, plug).
I too am hard on myself, always have been. I don't walk around shaming myself but I have a deep fear of "wasting this life" so I'm always pushing. Just yesterday I was researching what's behind that. Lots of theories but nothing rang like an absolute truth to me. Would love to read your thoughts about it sometime if you reflect further on it.
If it takes some space and time between your posts to produce writing of this quality so be it. This is soaked through with the quality of presence you are cultivating. I'm enriched by it. Some sentences jumped out at me, but I wouldn't feel comfortable quoting them here any more than I'd attempt to share my appreciation of a rose by removing a petal, leaf, or thorn and holding it up as proof. This is beautiful because it is so inseparably whole.
This was exquisite. Thank you so much for writing it. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
Reading your thoughts brought this to mind. Intense pressure creates diamonds. While that’s true, I like to remember that air, sunlight, room to stretch roots, and refreshing water create daffodils and lilies of the valley each spring.
Lovely to hear your latest experiences, Tommy.
It’s so comforting to read your words, like I’m in the Great Hall during a Christmas feast.
I love reading your posts as a part of my Saturday routine & your photography always leaves me feeling a little bit lighter(especially this week).
Japan looks beautiful this time of year. We're headed there in September for the first time!
I DONT KNOW HOW TO PUT LESS PRESSURE ON MYSELF EITHER. if I had a penny for every time someone tells me to stop being so hard on myself. Thanks for sharing.
Really enjoyed this Tommy. Thanks for the great reads.
..."I’m strongest at all the broken places" - I wonder if the mind bones fuse better the way muscle improves after you rip them running and lifting weights...
Another thoughtful and relatable post. Thanks for sharing, and welcome home! 🇨🇦
As I was reading this Essay reminds me of the Enjoy Yourself Song by The Specials
Here's the first stanza:
Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think
Enjoy yourself, while you're still in the pink
The years go by, as quickly as you wink
Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it's later than you think