The other day, my roommate asked me whether I'd want to spend a day doing something I like alone, or doing something I dislike but with someone I love.
"I've realized the pain is not from being disliked by people, but rather my own inability to deal with their indifference. Put simply, no one is out to get me. They just don't care that much." - I like it so much, becuase it is so accurate. That is the vicious circle of introverts, they do not care and stay away from people, so people stay away from them. So question arises: how can introvert find his other half, his or her partner? In the end, I think I know what you feel, because I am an introvert myself. Stay strong.
Great post Tommy. While part of me always believes that the way we feel about the world reflects not the objective state of the world but our subjective state within (so, in the context of loneliness, it would mean we feel lonely not because we are alone but because we lack a relationship with ourselves), I also know it's not always so simple. Still, from what I've gathered, you are a very well-integrated person, someone who knows himself and has a pretty strong self-relationship--someone who i would say is less prone to "loneliness." And so, what you're describing doesn't sound so much like loneliness as it does like some sort of tribelessness, or lack of belonging. Part of this must be the fact that you're in a new city, but the other part may be because God put you in this situation to learn something about yourself. Either way, you're right where you need to be!
But no one would read it but you 😆. You always take the time to comment on my son’s writing…..greatly appreciated - “Tommy’s Dad” - the flip side logo on your t-shirt.
Lots to relate to here, and also one line I'm not sure about. Not that I disagree, but I want to caveat:
"True friendship is effortless. True friendship is as free as breathing."
I see the truth in it. The best friends I've had I met by accident, because life or shared interests brought us to the same place and time. And maybe the germination was effortless, while the outside forces of our daily routines brought us regularly face-to-face, in class or practice, etc.
But I've also found we introverts need the opposite nudge: to proactively water our seeds, especially in the transient digital era where those "crossings" between places, jobs, schools, etc. are so common. I'm not selfish, but I can be self-absorbed. And if I don't set an alarm on my calendar, I'll go 3, then 8, then 18 months without even messaging people who mean (meant?) a lot to me. That's when my seasons of loneliness creep up.
There are limits to how much we can change how we're naturally wired, and if something takes too much effort to maintain, it can become superficial. Still, I see friendships as investments requiring active, intentional management. It only feels as free as breathing when you happen to be right next to them often - and even then, guys especially will often not probe or listen without concerted effort. "Open so much it hurts" does not come naturally, to me, but that doesn't mean it's not worth striving for.
Thank you for reading Andrew & leaving such a beautiful reflection here. I agree with you that relationships require maintenance and that takes continued and intentional effort. I suppose I was more nudging towards the felt experience when you're with that person, but the reconnecting is a freely chosen and often unobvious or inconvenient decision.
Appreciate you being here & sharing your wisdom (:
My co-author Christina Hira at @Asunder Tarot wrote about rupture this week and it’s what springs to mind when I read your essay this morning.
Christina wrote: Leonard Cohen, in his song Anthem, sings a line that is frequently quoted, “there is a crack, a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in.” The imagery of this line is beautiful and the bit we tend to gloss over is that the crack opens up and reveals what needs to be healed.
It is not a soft light of warmth that streams in, but a harsh illumination. Light that comes through a window is brightening. Light that comes through a crack in your roof is devastating.
I also like what you say about loneliness being a companion of the experience of crossing over. I hadn’t thought about the connection before — though I have lived it many times.
For people like us, who live into, and relate via, deep time — it makes finding that person who totally gets you, the most amazing experience. I think I need to be reminded of that this morning.
Thank you for writing this post. I feel I was born under a melancholy of stars - and I know my chart tells me so - I was born under the influence of Saturn. There you have it - some of us live with that roommate called intermittent loneliness and now in my sixties, I am learning that we are a committed couple, a marriage wrapped under the celestial skies 💗.
‘think it's natural to have long bouts of melancholy in life. There is a poetry in accepting the seasons of the heart, much like the seasons of the year. To hold space to feel these things. To still keep a posture of serenity.’ Wow. Your telling this is resonant and helpful especially for your readers who spin a I’m always happy, I love everybody narrative. No judgment just truther. I’ve been lonely in a familiar city with people I adore. Let’s just believe it. That to me makes all the difference. You’re a great writer. 📑
"'Open, open so much it hurts, and then open some more'. I don't really know what it means. But I like it."
Tommy, I'm writing about this very thing, sort of, in my book. It wasn't this exact quote, but the idea of opening is mentioned throughout Michael A Singer's book, The Untethered Soul. I remember reading that book and being so frustrated because it made so much sense to open but at the same time I had no idea what he meant.
The night I finished the book, I sat down on the floor and couldn't catch my breath. I closed my eyes and I breathed long breaths, and I cried. I sat like that, "opening," for twenty or sixty minutes. I wasn't doing anything, really, and nothing came of it, nothing tangible anyway. But I still think of that night, when I was at inflection point in my life, and all the changes that followed.
That's so powerful Charlie (and I hope it makes it into the book!) Funny how things can make sense yet not in any way we can put into words or reason out.
There's something I read once along the lines of "at every moment of our lives, we can choose to close our hearts or open them." And I think about that a lot. Making my heart bigger.
Also it's so interesting that you said nothing really happened, yet it was an inflection point in your life. I feel like I've had similar moments of outer inactivity but some deep inner shift.
Yes! I think I've had a bunch of those moments. In another one, I actually wrote a blog post immediately after and my reflection at the time was that "nothing really happened" and I didn't think I really gained anything from it. It wasn't until a couple years later that I could put it together.
You wrote something fragile and beautifully robust all at the same time, Tommy. You don't need me to tell you that. Look at the like and comment count.
I'm exploring friendship and ethics via Harry Potter w Chad Smith - and the little part about your introvert self finding depth and meaning (after the fact) in helping your friend stood out!
"I've realized the pain is not from being disliked by people, but rather my own inability to deal with their indifference. Put simply, no one is out to get me. They just don't care that much." - I like it so much, becuase it is so accurate. That is the vicious circle of introverts, they do not care and stay away from people, so people stay away from them. So question arises: how can introvert find his other half, his or her partner? In the end, I think I know what you feel, because I am an introvert myself. Stay strong.
Thank you Łukasz, for reading and for such a beautiful question. Appreciate your time here (:
Great post Tommy. While part of me always believes that the way we feel about the world reflects not the objective state of the world but our subjective state within (so, in the context of loneliness, it would mean we feel lonely not because we are alone but because we lack a relationship with ourselves), I also know it's not always so simple. Still, from what I've gathered, you are a very well-integrated person, someone who knows himself and has a pretty strong self-relationship--someone who i would say is less prone to "loneliness." And so, what you're describing doesn't sound so much like loneliness as it does like some sort of tribelessness, or lack of belonging. Part of this must be the fact that you're in a new city, but the other part may be because God put you in this situation to learn something about yourself. Either way, you're right where you need to be!
Thank you for reading Ryan and such a thoughtful note here. "Tribelessness" is such an interesting reframe and I think it's spot on.
Appreciate your support brother
Absolutely Tommy!
Super insightful, Ryan, top to bottom. Love the finish…..you’re right where you need to be. Brilliant.
Thank you Rob!
There's no question you know how to work the soil Tommy. You've got a garden of Eden's worth of seeds planted in your heart and your community.
Thank you Rick (: always brings a smile to my face to read your words
…loneliness is vanity…i need that on a designer t-shirt…
"Vanity of vanities, all is vanity" could go on the back?
...that or an airbrushed picture of Canadian icon Vanity herself... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vanity_(singer) ...
But no one would read it but you 😆. You always take the time to comment on my son’s writing…..greatly appreciated - “Tommy’s Dad” - the flip side logo on your t-shirt.
…written in my novelty product “i’m feeling invisible” ink…good work on raising good kids…it’s not easy…
Once more, I find comfort in your words - and in such impeccable timing. Thank you, Tommy.
Thank you Linart (:
This is badass. Hits me (and I’m sure a lot of people) right in the gut.
Thank you man - appreciate the kind words (:
Lots to relate to here, and also one line I'm not sure about. Not that I disagree, but I want to caveat:
"True friendship is effortless. True friendship is as free as breathing."
I see the truth in it. The best friends I've had I met by accident, because life or shared interests brought us to the same place and time. And maybe the germination was effortless, while the outside forces of our daily routines brought us regularly face-to-face, in class or practice, etc.
But I've also found we introverts need the opposite nudge: to proactively water our seeds, especially in the transient digital era where those "crossings" between places, jobs, schools, etc. are so common. I'm not selfish, but I can be self-absorbed. And if I don't set an alarm on my calendar, I'll go 3, then 8, then 18 months without even messaging people who mean (meant?) a lot to me. That's when my seasons of loneliness creep up.
There are limits to how much we can change how we're naturally wired, and if something takes too much effort to maintain, it can become superficial. Still, I see friendships as investments requiring active, intentional management. It only feels as free as breathing when you happen to be right next to them often - and even then, guys especially will often not probe or listen without concerted effort. "Open so much it hurts" does not come naturally, to me, but that doesn't mean it's not worth striving for.
Thank you for reading Andrew & leaving such a beautiful reflection here. I agree with you that relationships require maintenance and that takes continued and intentional effort. I suppose I was more nudging towards the felt experience when you're with that person, but the reconnecting is a freely chosen and often unobvious or inconvenient decision.
Appreciate you being here & sharing your wisdom (:
My co-author Christina Hira at @Asunder Tarot wrote about rupture this week and it’s what springs to mind when I read your essay this morning.
Christina wrote: Leonard Cohen, in his song Anthem, sings a line that is frequently quoted, “there is a crack, a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in.” The imagery of this line is beautiful and the bit we tend to gloss over is that the crack opens up and reveals what needs to be healed.
It is not a soft light of warmth that streams in, but a harsh illumination. Light that comes through a window is brightening. Light that comes through a crack in your roof is devastating.
I also like what you say about loneliness being a companion of the experience of crossing over. I hadn’t thought about the connection before — though I have lived it many times.
For people like us, who live into, and relate via, deep time — it makes finding that person who totally gets you, the most amazing experience. I think I need to be reminded of that this morning.
Ah I love that Jodi (: thank you for reading
Thank you for writing this post. I feel I was born under a melancholy of stars - and I know my chart tells me so - I was born under the influence of Saturn. There you have it - some of us live with that roommate called intermittent loneliness and now in my sixties, I am learning that we are a committed couple, a marriage wrapped under the celestial skies 💗.
That's beautiful Stephanie (: thank you for reading
‘think it's natural to have long bouts of melancholy in life. There is a poetry in accepting the seasons of the heart, much like the seasons of the year. To hold space to feel these things. To still keep a posture of serenity.’ Wow. Your telling this is resonant and helpful especially for your readers who spin a I’m always happy, I love everybody narrative. No judgment just truther. I’ve been lonely in a familiar city with people I adore. Let’s just believe it. That to me makes all the difference. You’re a great writer. 📑
Thank you Donna (: reading this brought a big smile to my face
Thank you Tommy for this meditation.
Thank you for reading Jeremy, it's great to hear from you man (:
I wish we would have overlapped in Waterloo at the same time!
If you keep opening your heart to compassion as you seem to be doing, this season will bring rich fruit indeed.
Love it Kathryn (: appreciate you reading
It was a very thought provoking essay. I appreciate how you addressed the reality of loneliness in a frank, honest manner.
Thank you Katherine (:
"'Open, open so much it hurts, and then open some more'. I don't really know what it means. But I like it."
Tommy, I'm writing about this very thing, sort of, in my book. It wasn't this exact quote, but the idea of opening is mentioned throughout Michael A Singer's book, The Untethered Soul. I remember reading that book and being so frustrated because it made so much sense to open but at the same time I had no idea what he meant.
The night I finished the book, I sat down on the floor and couldn't catch my breath. I closed my eyes and I breathed long breaths, and I cried. I sat like that, "opening," for twenty or sixty minutes. I wasn't doing anything, really, and nothing came of it, nothing tangible anyway. But I still think of that night, when I was at inflection point in my life, and all the changes that followed.
That's so powerful Charlie (and I hope it makes it into the book!) Funny how things can make sense yet not in any way we can put into words or reason out.
There's something I read once along the lines of "at every moment of our lives, we can choose to close our hearts or open them." And I think about that a lot. Making my heart bigger.
Also it's so interesting that you said nothing really happened, yet it was an inflection point in your life. I feel like I've had similar moments of outer inactivity but some deep inner shift.
Yes! I think I've had a bunch of those moments. In another one, I actually wrote a blog post immediately after and my reflection at the time was that "nothing really happened" and I didn't think I really gained anything from it. It wasn't until a couple years later that I could put it together.
"True friendship is as free as breathing." As is inner friendship, beautiful piece.
Thank you Andjelka (:
You wrote something fragile and beautifully robust all at the same time, Tommy. You don't need me to tell you that. Look at the like and comment count.
I'm exploring friendship and ethics via Harry Potter w Chad Smith - and the little part about your introvert self finding depth and meaning (after the fact) in helping your friend stood out!
Thank you Karena! So good to hear from you (: