☕ saturday mornings - february 18, 2023

true success, clarity from suffering & intergalactic expectations

Happy Saturday!

I hope you’re having a lovely start to your weekend.

What I’ve been up to:

• I had a great weekend in Elora, Ontario with my girlfriend, then watched the Superbowl with a bunch of close friends.

• Amazing conversations with amazing people. From a Head of Growth at a successful start-up, to a brilliant writer, to a few of my best friends.

• I finished up a busy week at school, and I'm spending the weekend with family before flying to Kelowna, British Columbia for a ski trip on Monday. I'm looking forward to skiing on a mountain for the first time (and not dying), some quiet walks in the woods, and lots of reading.

Here's a recap of the most interesting ideas I've explored this week.

Enjoy.

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✍️ quote i’m pondering:

Big Sean, American rapper, on true success:

"My mistakes are my biggest professors and learning life lessons,

I realize it ain't what you have, it's what you feel, that's what true success is."

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📚 book passage i loved:

People have to suffer enough so that they get disillusioned. Isn't that a terrible thing to think? They've got to suffer enough before they wake up and say, "I'm sick of it! There must be a better way of living.”

Maybe they ought to touch rock bottom and say, "I'm sick of it all."

It's only when you're sick of your sickness that you'll get out of it.

― Awareness by Anthony de Mello

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💡 idea from me: intergalactic expectation

I've been thinking a lot about expectations recently.

I'm graduating soon, and I've created this idea I need to find my "dream job" out of school, and anything less would be a failure.

As a result, I've put a ton of pressure on myself.

I haven't figured it out yet.

I know belief precedes ability. You don't stumble into a dream job by accident. You have to think you can do big things before you can do them.

Yet, having expectations that tower over you like a skyscraper isn't an enjoyable feeling.

Here's what I've discovered about expectation and how I'm trying to manage mine, to remain ambitious without sacrificing happiness.

expectations and happiness

Happiness is a function of reality minus expectations.

Our reality is "good" if it exceeds expectations, but "bad" if it falls below expectations.

We can increase happiness by (a) improving our reality or, (b) lowering our expectations.

Improving reality is a good option. It's why people pursue high-salaried jobs, buy mansions, and take trips to Bora Bora. Yet, improving your reality may take a long time. And it consists of many factors out of your control (like getting fired, your mansion burning down or getting eaten by a shark).

Meanwhile, lowering expectations is instantaneous and completely within your control.

Plus, if Grade 12 prom taught me anything, regardless of how "good" reality is, your expectations can always be higher.

Economists Rakesh Sarin and Manel Baucells, in Engineering Happiness, explained if you raise expectations beyond reality's capacity to meet them, misery follows.

If you always expect more than you get, regardless of how good reality is, you'll be left unhappy.

expectations are simply thoughts

An expectation is just a thought.

They're a present moment statement of desire about how we'd like the future to unfold.

But, we often treat our expectations like a lasso, thrown from the present around the future, to bring it under our control.

Our expectations about how things should be create rules how how we want things to go. If the rules are followed, we're happy. But, if you've noticed, reality rarely listens.

While we have little control over reality's cooperation, we have full control over what rules we try to enforce.

Therefore, the key to unlocking sustainable happiness setting better expectations.

set realistic expectations

In a 2006 blog post titled Advice For New College Grads, Chris Wilson writes:

The amount of happiness you experience in life is inversely proportional to how much frustration you experience, and frustration is all about unmet expectations. 

In other words, if you expect things to turn out a certain way and they don’t, you’ll end up frustrated.  And if this happens enough, you’ll end up unhappy.  Therefore, it is essential that you learn to set your expectations about life realistically. 

Whenever you find yourself dissatisfied with a particular circumstance, ask yourself what you expected.  Then ask yourself why you expected what you did.  You’ll usually find that were not aware of the following reality of our world.

Wilson highlights where we get ourselves into trouble. We set expectations haphazardly, without much thought or data, that have a loose (if any) tether to reality, but then anchor to them.

We set unrealistic rules for reality to follow.

Then, when reality doesn't follow our rules, we become frustrated. Then unhappy. Then miserable.

I often jam my to-do list full of things with horrendous expectations about how long it will take to get things done.

The quick task I planned to do in "just 15 minutes" ends up taking me an hour. The result? Frustration.

Then, I hit 4pm and realize I've only done half of what I planned. The result? More frustration.

My friend Nic has a great illustration of this idea:

On a small scale, unrealistic expectations about what you can get done is a very good recipe to have a frustrating day.

On a large scale, unrealistic expectations about what you can do with your career is a very good recipe to have a frustrating life.

don't expect life to be perfect

In one of my favorite books, The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy, there's a line that struck me like lightning: "The greatest illusion is that life should be perfect."

From reading fairy tales as a kid to watching movies as an adult, it's easy to believe life should be perfect.

Especially as other people's lives can look pretty perfect. (They’re not).

Embracing the raw imperfection of life is both freeing and, somehow, beautiful.

“I get up every day, and I don’t have high expectations of anything," Todd McFarlane writes. "I’m not a religious person, but I do have a personal prayer, and it’s this simple, every day: ‘Today will not be perfect.'”

Once you accept life isn't perfect, a lot of things get a lot easier.

what expectations should you set?

Many gurus tell you to "keep your expectations realistic". It's bad advice.

Rather, I'm simply trying to be aware of the expectations I set and approach them with curiosity.

If I find myself frustrated, I think:

• Why did I set the expectations that I did?

• Are they realistic?

• Am I willing to hold onto these expectations at the cost of my happiness?

If you want to be happy, sometimes you have to be okay setting lower expectations.

Lowering your expectations doesn't mean lowering your ambition.

Ambition and contentment are not opposites, but we often make the mistake of thinking they are incompatible.

You can be both content and ambitious.

In fact, the combination of low expectations and high ambition is a great formula to both achieve more and be happy along the way.

I'm trying to be more present. Content with where I am now. Flexible.

But, also focused on taking deliberate action to create a future I'll be proud of.

To me, that's the winning combination.

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❓ question i’m asking:

Am I at ease in this moment? If not, why?

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📸 photo of the week:

A poem I read weekly to remind me what matters.

Written by an 85 year old woman at the end of her life:

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Stick around for more :)

PS—if this resonated, say hi on Twitter, reply to this email, or leave a comment. You might also like a piece I wrote about the perils of planning.

If you just want to be friends, also reach out 😊

Much love to you and yours,

Tommy