First person who comes to mind.... my mother. She knew who she was, rejected where she came from as limitation (dirt poor poverty), put on her clothes and makeup like she was royalty. She tried to heal us when others wounded us.
I don't know if it was true confidence or just a mask. It was hard to see inside her and most of the time she didn't seem to care about anyone's opinion of her. But there were moments in the dark when her confidence weighed heavy. But she was also confident enough to admit it and practiced Banshee wails in the bathtub to rid herself of grief (you could hear her from anywhere in the house). She did not apologize for who she was.
Everyone loved her. She made us feel alive and confident in ourselves. ❤️
What I do know... is it's impossible to realize just how beautiful someone is until the is becomes a was. May she rest in peace.
“Truly confident people are fluid with status” I read that title and it made me pause and think - tell me more. What an excellent description of what true confidence is. I never thought of it this way so thanks for opening me up to a new interpretation of confidence. Neither parent of mine demonstrated true confidence and I certainly don’t. But somehow my brother does. He definitely shows a lot of the characteristics you describe here. Thanks for an excellent essay.
Haha thank you J. I've been trying to "get to the point" faster with my essays so I'm glad this first line pulled you in.
I'm not sure I know many people who display real confidence. Perhaps it's an ideal to strive toward rather than something to be concretely attained. I'm not sure.
I definitely don't either. What I tried to imply through the piece was that I naturally occupy the lower status elements of confidence, able to laugh at myself and accept criticism and learn from it, but where I need to grow is learning to accept compliments, step into the spotlight. I think I have made some growth but it's a long road.
Appreciate you reading & your thoughts here (: hope your week is lovely
Tommy, you're really coming into your own this year with your writing. This topic reminded me of Mary's Song in Luke Chapter 1. This poor woman becomes the bearer of the son of God and while caught between two of the greatest extremes, she is entirely humble. Well worth the read. I often return to it when I know, I need to be comforted and humbled. My best to you dude.
Thank you Steven, really. I read Luke this March but I'll have to return to Mary's Song this week. Humility is a tough one to define. I misunderstood it for the longest time, thinking it was a complete deference of praise or deflection of credit. Thank you for reading and the wise words. Sending blessings (:
I love the term status fluidity. Regarding where the presence of confidence stems from, ironically it seems to arise in direct proportion to the absence of self. You touch on this in your post, but having nothing to defend or prove seems to be the foundation of true confidence. At which point we're talking about spirituality and the disciplines that dissolve our sense of separateness. The most confident people I've ever met were all spiritual teachers. But the confidence had no hint of the kind of mood that comes with believing you can always win, but more from the understanding that there is nothing to lose because it's already all been given up.
Hmmm confidence in the self from the non-existence of the self - what a fascinating paradox Rick. I completely agree on how confidence stems from having nothing to defend or prove - that internal sense of security and okayness, not dependent on the opinions or voices of others.
From that definition, it makes sense why spiritual teachers would be so confident - they have no one to defend at all.
I'll have to chew on this for a while: "there is nothing to lose because it's already all been given up." Sounds like you're becoming a spiritual teacher of some way, shape or form yourself.
Hope your west coast week is lovely (: thank you again for your insight and time in making me wiser each week
There is a clip of a successful French businesswoman on Bloomberg that resonates with this piece. Her advice to others was “learn to love yourself first”. If you love yourself (softly, gently, kindly), you can give love, be forgiving, show humility, be open, have self-respect, know your values, your limits, areas for growth. Respect, confidence, confrontation, generosity can all stem from that love. Meaningful writing causes deep reflection in the reader. As yours constantly causes in us. Thanks :)
Excellent essay, and you have hit the nail on the head. Seeking status is part of the human condition, and yet, when is (maybe) older and wise and more confident, as you say, their ego is in check and they no seek status the way they maybe once did. As you say a truly confident person lives apart from status, and status seeking.
Thank you Steven (: I really appreciate you reading & taking the time to leave your insights here. And I think you're exactly right - seeking status is not a bad thing, and has a lot of evolutionary logic backing it, but it's the dependence on status that might damn us or lead us astray. So much of growth, it seems, is simply releasing dependencies and being okay and at peace with what is.
As I read your piece and the comments offered afterward, I saw an image of a single Gerbera daisy. If a plant had words directed toward it, complimentary or disparaging, the carbon dioxide would help it grow. Plants direct themselves toward light. They do not bend toward shade. Perhaps a confident soul could do the same, accepting both praise and criticism with the same balanced attitude, while growing toward that which gives it true sustenance. Meanwhile, the flower blooms - without arrogance or false humility.
Ah that’s such a beautiful metaphor and ties in exactly with my recent thinking on how much there is we can learn from the natural world, plants and animals. There’s so much wisdom in life that is right under our noses, only if we pay attention. I like a flower is pure confidence, and has much to teach us.
I've written about fluidity myself, albeit focused on status fluidity in order to reinvent oneself. For example:
"Keep a fluid identity.
The way to reinvent is by not attaching so hard to our identity. Our culture drives us to amplify our identity. Our identity makes us feel safe because it’s something firm to hold onto. But rather than trying to throw an anchor down, it’s better to see our identity as flowing from one to the next. For example, I tried to focus on “how I can best help the company?” rather than “I am the head of this team.” This small shift in mindset allowed me to move where needed, rather than sticking to an old past."
I saw the title and couldn't resist clicking on it.
Someone just saying it, feels like a deep relief though it's so obvious and yet no one speaks it out or maybe it's not a very common phenomenon to see fluid confidence around and within.
Beautiful words man. Took me back to the days when I too used to felt like the kid who'd be too humble but couldn't muster up the courage to play the role which was needed in front of the people.
Thank you Tyler. Really appreciate you reading & the insightful reflection here.
I especially loved this: "too humble but couldn't muster up the courage to play the role which was needed". Really resonate. It can feel like the opposite of humility to step up, take control, be assertive. But I'm learning it's a form of my own arrogance and weakness to sit on the sidelines and people and things need me.
The crux of confidence is agency. I love that point in your essay. The biggest gift you can give yourself is the knowledge that if you take action you can make your life better. And as you take action, you grow more confident each day.
I can relate heavily to the downplaying of accomplishments. That might be a British Canadian thing. Not wanting to come across as cocky or show offish. But I love your recognition that dismissing wins is just as silly as cockily rubbing them in or boasting about them. Savouring the kind words of others and giving them back in plenty is a much better recipe.
Thanks for writing pal. Another lovely essay, as always :)
Thanks Jack (: that was a surprising insight that emerged from this piece, connecting confidence and agency. I know we both naturally defer or deflect praise but I think accepting those words as a gift from someone makes for a more beautiful world
This was such a great read and I totally agree that confidence is about being fluid not rigid, adaptable not stuck. You’ve actually tapped into something I’ve been thinking about recently - that a key trait of being able to successfully work for yourself is the ability to be fluid in the face of uncertainty. Thanks for writing this piece 🩷
Anna! So good to hear from you (: Thank you for reading & the kind words.
Love the idea of being fluid in the face of uncertainty. Certainty and rigidity seem compatible to me, but once you’re in the open field of self-employment, you open to the unknown, unexpected, unplanned. And have to be fluid to capitalize on the unknown.
Without a doubt. I think fluidity and adaptability are some of the most important character traits if you want to make it on your own (work wise, that is). It took me ages to learn this, naturally 😂
Tommy, for me what you brought forth was a subtle and important distinction and relationship between humility and confidence. 🙏
I’ve been working on a piece exploring a seminal interaction I had with my dad that changed my confidence and altered my relationship with humility when I was a teenager. And how forty years later, I worked through it and had a conversation with him about it, after his death.
As I e expressed before, I congratulate you on the progress you make on interactions like the one where you were told you’re cocky, in a short time and at a young age.
Last, I like to think I’m confident and humble today because, as you say, I am aware is who I am, aware of who I am becoming, am intentional about the direction I’m heading, and am wide open to, and trust the outcomes that unfold in front of me, even if they are way different than what I’ve conceived.
It's a hard distinction to make, James. Humility is a tough one to define. I misunderstood it for the longest time, thinking it was a complete deference of praise or deflection of credit. I think you can be both humble and confident (actually you might have to be one to also be the other) but our modern definitions of each make them seem somewhat opposed to each other.
The piece on your relationship with confidence sounds fascinating. Can't wait. Especially the conversation you had after his passing.
Thank you, as always, for your time here. I really appreciate you being a part of my little community. I know it enrichens my life every week (:
“complete deference of praise or deflection of credit.” Yes to this. And also for me, needing to demure and or not celebrate or enjoy my own successes or accomplishments.
Last, I used the word “aware” in my reply above (as I described who I am becoming, etc.) because I try not to use the words “I know.” I have found that “I know” are words that come from my mind, and my mind likes to be right. Plus “I know” is limited to what I already know vs what I am open to, that which I don’t know.
I have found that aware + intention better reflects actions from my whole being - heart/soul/mind.
First person who comes to mind.... my mother. She knew who she was, rejected where she came from as limitation (dirt poor poverty), put on her clothes and makeup like she was royalty. She tried to heal us when others wounded us.
I don't know if it was true confidence or just a mask. It was hard to see inside her and most of the time she didn't seem to care about anyone's opinion of her. But there were moments in the dark when her confidence weighed heavy. But she was also confident enough to admit it and practiced Banshee wails in the bathtub to rid herself of grief (you could hear her from anywhere in the house). She did not apologize for who she was.
Everyone loved her. She made us feel alive and confident in ourselves. ❤️
What I do know... is it's impossible to realize just how beautiful someone is until the is becomes a was. May she rest in peace.
I love this Isabella, thank you for sharing your story and little reflection here and J was right that your mother was a wonderful full human being.
Also this was beautiful and so true: "it's impossible to realize just how beautiful someone is until the is becomes a was."
Thank you for reading (:
Your mother sounds like she was a wonderful full human being.
“Truly confident people are fluid with status” I read that title and it made me pause and think - tell me more. What an excellent description of what true confidence is. I never thought of it this way so thanks for opening me up to a new interpretation of confidence. Neither parent of mine demonstrated true confidence and I certainly don’t. But somehow my brother does. He definitely shows a lot of the characteristics you describe here. Thanks for an excellent essay.
Haha thank you J. I've been trying to "get to the point" faster with my essays so I'm glad this first line pulled you in.
I'm not sure I know many people who display real confidence. Perhaps it's an ideal to strive toward rather than something to be concretely attained. I'm not sure.
I definitely don't either. What I tried to imply through the piece was that I naturally occupy the lower status elements of confidence, able to laugh at myself and accept criticism and learn from it, but where I need to grow is learning to accept compliments, step into the spotlight. I think I have made some growth but it's a long road.
Appreciate you reading & your thoughts here (: hope your week is lovely
Tommy, you're really coming into your own this year with your writing. This topic reminded me of Mary's Song in Luke Chapter 1. This poor woman becomes the bearer of the son of God and while caught between two of the greatest extremes, she is entirely humble. Well worth the read. I often return to it when I know, I need to be comforted and humbled. My best to you dude.
Thank you Steven, really. I read Luke this March but I'll have to return to Mary's Song this week. Humility is a tough one to define. I misunderstood it for the longest time, thinking it was a complete deference of praise or deflection of credit. Thank you for reading and the wise words. Sending blessings (:
I love the term status fluidity. Regarding where the presence of confidence stems from, ironically it seems to arise in direct proportion to the absence of self. You touch on this in your post, but having nothing to defend or prove seems to be the foundation of true confidence. At which point we're talking about spirituality and the disciplines that dissolve our sense of separateness. The most confident people I've ever met were all spiritual teachers. But the confidence had no hint of the kind of mood that comes with believing you can always win, but more from the understanding that there is nothing to lose because it's already all been given up.
Hmmm confidence in the self from the non-existence of the self - what a fascinating paradox Rick. I completely agree on how confidence stems from having nothing to defend or prove - that internal sense of security and okayness, not dependent on the opinions or voices of others.
From that definition, it makes sense why spiritual teachers would be so confident - they have no one to defend at all.
I'll have to chew on this for a while: "there is nothing to lose because it's already all been given up." Sounds like you're becoming a spiritual teacher of some way, shape or form yourself.
Hope your west coast week is lovely (: thank you again for your insight and time in making me wiser each week
friend on the path feels better to me
sorry, I didn’t mean to over reach at all. I’d be honored to have you as a friend on the path
nothing to be sorry about. and we already are.
There is a clip of a successful French businesswoman on Bloomberg that resonates with this piece. Her advice to others was “learn to love yourself first”. If you love yourself (softly, gently, kindly), you can give love, be forgiving, show humility, be open, have self-respect, know your values, your limits, areas for growth. Respect, confidence, confrontation, generosity can all stem from that love. Meaningful writing causes deep reflection in the reader. As yours constantly causes in us. Thanks :)
Ah I love that. Thank you dad (:
Excellent essay, and you have hit the nail on the head. Seeking status is part of the human condition, and yet, when is (maybe) older and wise and more confident, as you say, their ego is in check and they no seek status the way they maybe once did. As you say a truly confident person lives apart from status, and status seeking.
Thank you Steven (: I really appreciate you reading & taking the time to leave your insights here. And I think you're exactly right - seeking status is not a bad thing, and has a lot of evolutionary logic backing it, but it's the dependence on status that might damn us or lead us astray. So much of growth, it seems, is simply releasing dependencies and being okay and at peace with what is.
Thanks again and hope your week is lovely
Hi! I absolutely loved this article, thanks for sharing it!!!
thank you Leire, so happy you enjoyed it (: thanks for reading
As I read your piece and the comments offered afterward, I saw an image of a single Gerbera daisy. If a plant had words directed toward it, complimentary or disparaging, the carbon dioxide would help it grow. Plants direct themselves toward light. They do not bend toward shade. Perhaps a confident soul could do the same, accepting both praise and criticism with the same balanced attitude, while growing toward that which gives it true sustenance. Meanwhile, the flower blooms - without arrogance or false humility.
Ah that’s such a beautiful metaphor and ties in exactly with my recent thinking on how much there is we can learn from the natural world, plants and animals. There’s so much wisdom in life that is right under our noses, only if we pay attention. I like a flower is pure confidence, and has much to teach us.
Great piece.
I've written about fluidity myself, albeit focused on status fluidity in order to reinvent oneself. For example:
"Keep a fluid identity.
The way to reinvent is by not attaching so hard to our identity. Our culture drives us to amplify our identity. Our identity makes us feel safe because it’s something firm to hold onto. But rather than trying to throw an anchor down, it’s better to see our identity as flowing from one to the next. For example, I tried to focus on “how I can best help the company?” rather than “I am the head of this team.” This small shift in mindset allowed me to move where needed, rather than sticking to an old past."
more here: https://newsletter.thewayofwork.com/fluidity
Thanks Rick! Love it (:
I saw the title and couldn't resist clicking on it.
Someone just saying it, feels like a deep relief though it's so obvious and yet no one speaks it out or maybe it's not a very common phenomenon to see fluid confidence around and within.
Beautiful words man. Took me back to the days when I too used to felt like the kid who'd be too humble but couldn't muster up the courage to play the role which was needed in front of the people.
Thank you Tyler. Really appreciate you reading & the insightful reflection here.
I especially loved this: "too humble but couldn't muster up the courage to play the role which was needed". Really resonate. It can feel like the opposite of humility to step up, take control, be assertive. But I'm learning it's a form of my own arrogance and weakness to sit on the sidelines and people and things need me.
Love it (:
"“The less confident you are, the more serious you have to act.”" yes exactly. I think the coolest thing in the world is not caring if you are cool.
Totally agree Elizabeth (: people aren't cool because they seem vaguely like someone else. they’re cool because they are unapologetically themselves
Thank you for reading & the kind words!
The crux of confidence is agency. I love that point in your essay. The biggest gift you can give yourself is the knowledge that if you take action you can make your life better. And as you take action, you grow more confident each day.
I can relate heavily to the downplaying of accomplishments. That might be a British Canadian thing. Not wanting to come across as cocky or show offish. But I love your recognition that dismissing wins is just as silly as cockily rubbing them in or boasting about them. Savouring the kind words of others and giving them back in plenty is a much better recipe.
Thanks for writing pal. Another lovely essay, as always :)
Thanks Jack (: that was a surprising insight that emerged from this piece, connecting confidence and agency. I know we both naturally defer or deflect praise but I think accepting those words as a gift from someone makes for a more beautiful world
Appreciate your wise insight here
This was such a great read and I totally agree that confidence is about being fluid not rigid, adaptable not stuck. You’ve actually tapped into something I’ve been thinking about recently - that a key trait of being able to successfully work for yourself is the ability to be fluid in the face of uncertainty. Thanks for writing this piece 🩷
Anna! So good to hear from you (: Thank you for reading & the kind words.
Love the idea of being fluid in the face of uncertainty. Certainty and rigidity seem compatible to me, but once you’re in the open field of self-employment, you open to the unknown, unexpected, unplanned. And have to be fluid to capitalize on the unknown.
Without a doubt. I think fluidity and adaptability are some of the most important character traits if you want to make it on your own (work wise, that is). It took me ages to learn this, naturally 😂
Excellent, Tommy.
Thanks.
Thank you Kevin (:
...i love your writing...that essay was awesome...
Thank you CansaFis - means a lot from you, my friend. Hope the band is swell!
...still rocking in the semi free world...
Tommy, for me what you brought forth was a subtle and important distinction and relationship between humility and confidence. 🙏
I’ve been working on a piece exploring a seminal interaction I had with my dad that changed my confidence and altered my relationship with humility when I was a teenager. And how forty years later, I worked through it and had a conversation with him about it, after his death.
As I e expressed before, I congratulate you on the progress you make on interactions like the one where you were told you’re cocky, in a short time and at a young age.
Last, I like to think I’m confident and humble today because, as you say, I am aware is who I am, aware of who I am becoming, am intentional about the direction I’m heading, and am wide open to, and trust the outcomes that unfold in front of me, even if they are way different than what I’ve conceived.
It's a hard distinction to make, James. Humility is a tough one to define. I misunderstood it for the longest time, thinking it was a complete deference of praise or deflection of credit. I think you can be both humble and confident (actually you might have to be one to also be the other) but our modern definitions of each make them seem somewhat opposed to each other.
The piece on your relationship with confidence sounds fascinating. Can't wait. Especially the conversation you had after his passing.
Thank you, as always, for your time here. I really appreciate you being a part of my little community. I know it enrichens my life every week (:
“complete deference of praise or deflection of credit.” Yes to this. And also for me, needing to demure and or not celebrate or enjoy my own successes or accomplishments.
Last, I used the word “aware” in my reply above (as I described who I am becoming, etc.) because I try not to use the words “I know.” I have found that “I know” are words that come from my mind, and my mind likes to be right. Plus “I know” is limited to what I already know vs what I am open to, that which I don’t know.
I have found that aware + intention better reflects actions from my whole being - heart/soul/mind.
(That’s a lot. Sorry for the riff 😳)
Love the riff James. It’s almost a fear of pride. Or maybe a fear of my own success.
Sounds like you’re reframing to speak from the heart rather than the mind. Beautiful.