After five years of practice, July 19, 2023 was the day I suddenly quit meditating. I first began meditating in early 2019 after I read 10% Happier by Dan Harris. I downloaded his conveniently referenced 10% Happier app and started to follow guided sessions.
My goodness, I hope you recognize your talent. Your writing is like wrapping oneself in a silk robe then sitting in front of a fireplace.
If you wrote a book I would buy a thousand of them.
I find meditating a hardship and used to chastise myself for not doing it. After I read your article, I gave myself permission to not meditate because I now know I have many different boats to cross the channel.
"Instead of trying to zoom out and observe my thoughts, I just write and write and write. All my fears, all my complaints, all my ruminating. All on the page. Trapped, so I can get on with my day."
Very relatable.
Also, when I read this: "I know there are other boats."
Inside my head I said, "and every boat needs a captain."
Well done, Tommy. Enjoy building all your future boats :)
Loved reading this continuing journey, Tommy. Your writing helps me always to continue to rediscover my radiant son! Although it’s pains me greatly to read your hurt, it continues to warm my heart to know you are always growing, finding practices in understanding yourself in deeper, happier ways. PS. Always found meditation endless naval gazing, perhaps a waste of time, for me at least.
Think that’s one of the cool parts of my writing - deepening my relationship with the people in my life through sharing parts I may not think to say or want to say in person.
Wow Tommy!!! My instant and yet reoccurring reaction is still “wow Tommy”!
I’m going to echo Dad’s words here. It is definitely heart wrenching to read such depiction and detail of your struggles, your darkness and your hurt. What no parent ever wants to see in their child. But, I am so incredibly proud of your strength courage and determination to forge forward, delve deep and get more and more acquainted with your inner self. I am sure “confronting yourself” has brought many challenges with it. Such honesty within you is “raw”. Sounds like your ability to recognize a need, experiment with solutions and to try paddling yet another vessel is your saving grace! Discovering your own path, navigating your “boat” is within you! Above all else, keep true to yourself, son. I am both privileged and grateful to have a glimpse into your innermost self. Keep hold of your courage and strength as your evolve into your best self yet! Love you tons!
I noticed a recurring theme in your writing, Tommy. Which is your fear of not being enough, of always finding a higher benchmark in somebody else and trying to get there. Part of it might trace back to your innate competitiveness (something else I've noticed), part of it might trace back to your intelligence and curiosity and continuous desire to do more and do better. Well, all these things are part of being human, and I would worry if they weren't there. Having said that, I think (being probably at least twice your age) the key to a peaceful existence (and here I'm referring to the "peace from mind", as you so brilliantly and elegantly put it) is to find a way to observe all these human things from above, or from outside. As if you were a spectator. I'm saying this because I used to be much like you and the switch for me occurred when I understood that things happen when you're not after them, when you simply acknowledge something without being obsessive about it, when you let the universe do its work. When you learn to observe what's happening inside you in an uninvolved manner. I know it sounds shamanic, a little, but in time you'll find that's easier than you think. I too am a huge fan of Morning Pages, although I've never had the discipline they require, and I've failed nicely at them. Do I like that? Of course, I'd love to go years writing three pages longhand every morning and finding peace, liberation, and meditation in this practice. But I can't. Well, sometimes I can, sometimes (many times) I can't. And that's ok.
I want to thank you for the time and thought you put into everything you write including this beautiful reflection. This was an absolute treat of a comment.
You’re spot on about my competitiveness and desire to be something greater. They’re elements that have existed in me since I was small but I’m still unearthing them, bringing them into conscious awareness.
We may have spoke of this before, but I’ve been a very imitative person. Since I was 6-7 years old (and perhaps earlier) I had models I would study and obsess over. While this has helped me develop skills it also lends to a certain insufficiency, restlessness, emptiness.
Studying Girard this summer was like reading a Rosetta Stone. I saw my desires and imitation and models I aspire to in broad daylight. I’m still working through it all.
I’ve struggled with consistency as well. While I love journaling now, I’m dubious I’ll still keep the same practice a year from now. Change is constant, unexpected.
My true goal is to have no dependencies, no rituals, no maintenance work at all. To be able to wake up and journal and read and meditate but just as easily go outside for a walk or talk to my partner or get coffee with a friend or garden in the sun.
I can’t really express in words how lucky and grateful I am to have you in my life, reading my work, engaging with my ideas. Thank you.
I just had a conversation with a good friend about this. There's a story in Hispanic history when the Spaniards landed in Mexico. They named the landing place Veracruz. For though they had crossed an ocean they paid homage to the greatest crossing that was completed between heaven and earth.
If you need to cross an ocean, build a ship. The oars and aft of meditation do not compare to the sails and stern of religion in the oldest sense of the word.
I'm still contemplating so many of the well stated things you brought to this essay. Great piece Tommy.
When fear consumes you and holds you back, that can be a sign that you must do that terrifying thing. In my life, any time I have wanted to do some brave, unexpected, past-my-boundaries action, a “horse-faced woman” appears. She scoffs, tells me I am not capable, and scares me to my toes. Any time I have steeled myself and gone forward, I have awed myself.
Thank you for writing this story of your struggles, triumphs, and discoveries, Tommy. I laugh with you at your horse-faced detractor!
J.T. thank you for leaving such a beautiful reflection here. It really resonates.
You’re so right with fear as signal. Often fear is precisely the sign we need to do that thing. Psychology tells us when you experience fear the single best thing you can do is confront it immediately and directly. This lesson has taken me a long time to learn. I used to take months to check my university exam grades.
My favourite example of that story mythologized when King Arthur and the Knight’s of Round Table are searching for the Holy Grail. And each knight is told, to find the grail, to start their search in the part of the forest that looks darkest to them.
I love the image of the horse-faced detractor. I’ll remember that one next time I face fear :)
Tommy, I am delighted to hear that you can relate to my detractor’s persona. I am fascinated by the thought of knights beginning their adventures in the darkest areas they could find.
I recently read, somewhere, on here in fact, that the writer wouldn’t press post unless he knew it was leaving himself vulnerable. Your reply reminded me of what the chap, whose name escapes me at the mo, was saying. I would add, is that not the point? Terrific writing mo chāra.
You are more than welcome. I somehow managed to delete whatever I managed to say, by clicking without spectacles attached to my cumbersome brow. In any case, please, continue on your journey! Take us with you man!😆travel by proxy. Now, will I do a Wim Hof 11 minute breathing exercise before bed? “ let the body do, what the body is capable of doing!”😆
Hey Tommy - I think you accomplished that. And ya, I think it is just about the search, the pursuit for better.
Sometimes (most times) I think it's our ego that drives us to pursue these things. It's always looking for better. Sadly, it misses what's right in front of us too often that we forget that we don't need nearly as much as we think we do. I think that's where meditation shines, and I mean present moment awareness-type meditation. Morning pages and downloading our thoughts is great, but it is still the mind. What's needed, I think, is to find the gaps of no mind where everything is alright exactly as it is. When we tap into that, we find peace and the idea of pursuit seems frivolous.
I can get there for brief moments, but the other 95% of the time, I'm off chasing things! Anyway, I don't want to write a whole book here. Keep up the great work and writing that you're doing!
Completely agree on the ego getting in the way. The ego is so sneaky - it can get itself entangled in the very attempt to transcend it.
It still is the mind and as much as I love journaling, sometimes I feel like I’m fuelling the fire rather than letting it burn itself out - if that makes sense.
I am Canadian! Grew up just outside of Toronto (: what about you ?
Thanks Tommy. Your essay did brighten my day. I can relate to the feeling that you HAVE to meditate, like it’s a prerequisite for being happy, finding peace et al. I think you’re right that, ultimately, we have to find our own vessel for spirituality.
I was also on a similar spiritual path as you and even now, 20 years in, I’m still searching for the right vessel. You offer a good argument for morning pages. I think I might have to give them another try. Cheers.
David, so glad to hear. Thank you for reading & taking the time to leave such a thoughtful note.
Since writing this, I continue to experiment. Morning pages have stuck for me as a staple but I returned to meditation, went to a 7 day silent retreat, visited monastery’s in Thailand. I’ve also tried cold exposure, saunas, long runs - more embodied physical rituals that tire my body and settle my mind.
Perhaps it’s just about the search. The experimentation. The willingness to look.
I think I just wanted to remind myself and others that there’s more than one way.
Hope the rest of your week is lovely & thank you again (:
Belated comment - but I'm STILL working through Sam Harris's introductory course on Waking Up. It's been like 2 months now and I'm still on day 17 but I am slowly but surely getting through it!
Awesome you're working through it at your own pace :) so easy for me to want to rush things and get them done when it's so nonsensical and not the point of meditation at all
Would love to chat more about your experience with it sometime!
This was so insightful and helpful to hear! I resonate with your experience, I also have been going back and forth with my meditation practice, and for me yoga, journaling, and just walking and being present has been more helpful in clearing my mind than meditation. It helps during my phases of anxiety, but on a regular basis I found the other techniques to work better for me :)
Thank you so much for reading & the beautiful reflection you wrote here :)
yoga, journaling, and walking are all so good. I love going on long walks & yoga always feels so restorative afterwards
All have motion in common. Instead of sitting still, moving through time and space. I find movement helps my brain churn through thoughts more than stillness. Stillness is generative.
Absolutely! I’m new to Substack, and I’ve been enjoying your publication. Your writing is quite inspiring for my own writing journey and getting myself unstuck from perfectionism and just letting the words flow :)
Tommy, what a thoughtful and insightful piece. As I was reading through, I resonated with the 'oh man I'm a novice again' thing that sometimes comes tangled with mindfulness/meditation. I feel like different practices are needed for the different phases of life. Like you said, meditation helped for certain periods of time and then become less effective or dropped off.
As you described, I used to think that if I just 'meditated more', then my life would be great. And of course there's some truth in that. But it's not the full picture.
I'm starting to see that life tends to get deeper as we get older. And when life changes quickly, we often face things that feel 'bigger' than us. And each time that happens, we'll probably need different tools to help us through.
I loved Joseph Campbell's idea of 'knowing your machinery' as well. I'm going to go buy that book. I love it because then you become the captain of your machinery can better steer yourself any waters you choose to travel or find yourself in. What a wonderful piece!
Renee! Thank you so much for reading & such a beautiful reflection you wrote :) made my day
I think you’re exactly right. Meditation can be an aid but the idea it can solve all your problems is unlikely to be true. Humans evolved as tool using creatures. It’s hardwired in our biology. It’s finding the tools that work for you & knowing when to use them. Be it: meditation or journaling or a long walk or music or exercise or sleep, etc.
I stumbled across Joseph Campbell this year and read three of his books in a row. He has some excellent ideas that really clicked for me. The Reader is a good overview.
Haha always happy to comment on a great bit of writing :) And I couldn't agree more. We are certainly tool using creatures and are constantly on the look out for new or better tools. Interesting idea with so many angles to explore... I wonder where our tools will take us next.
Which Joseph Campbell books did you read? I knew him through the hero's journey which I really loved but haven't actually read any of his originals yet.
Really insightful writing and appreciate the reply to the comment too :)
My goodness, I hope you recognize your talent. Your writing is like wrapping oneself in a silk robe then sitting in front of a fireplace.
If you wrote a book I would buy a thousand of them.
I find meditating a hardship and used to chastise myself for not doing it. After I read your article, I gave myself permission to not meditate because I now know I have many different boats to cross the channel.
Jane, thank you for reading and leaving such a beautiful reflection.
I deeply appreciate your kind words. This was a piece I was really scared to publish and was worried no one would read at all.
I’m so glad the essay resonated with your life experience. I’ve struggled with a lot guilt around mediation but I’m working through it.
Thank you again. This comment literally made my day :)
"Instead of trying to zoom out and observe my thoughts, I just write and write and write. All my fears, all my complaints, all my ruminating. All on the page. Trapped, so I can get on with my day."
Very relatable.
Also, when I read this: "I know there are other boats."
Inside my head I said, "and every boat needs a captain."
Well done, Tommy. Enjoy building all your future boats :)
Thanks so much Sandra for reading and leaving such a kind note :) made me smile
Also, when I read this: "every boat needs a captain”
Inside my head I said, "I am the captain now"
Thank you again. To boat building :)
Loved reading this continuing journey, Tommy. Your writing helps me always to continue to rediscover my radiant son! Although it’s pains me greatly to read your hurt, it continues to warm my heart to know you are always growing, finding practices in understanding yourself in deeper, happier ways. PS. Always found meditation endless naval gazing, perhaps a waste of time, for me at least.
Thanks for the comment and kind words Dad :)
Think that’s one of the cool parts of my writing - deepening my relationship with the people in my life through sharing parts I may not think to say or want to say in person.
Appreciate all your love & support.
Beautiful
Aw thanks Yehudis :) means a lot coming from you
Wow Tommy!!! My instant and yet reoccurring reaction is still “wow Tommy”!
I’m going to echo Dad’s words here. It is definitely heart wrenching to read such depiction and detail of your struggles, your darkness and your hurt. What no parent ever wants to see in their child. But, I am so incredibly proud of your strength courage and determination to forge forward, delve deep and get more and more acquainted with your inner self. I am sure “confronting yourself” has brought many challenges with it. Such honesty within you is “raw”. Sounds like your ability to recognize a need, experiment with solutions and to try paddling yet another vessel is your saving grace! Discovering your own path, navigating your “boat” is within you! Above all else, keep true to yourself, son. I am both privileged and grateful to have a glimpse into your innermost self. Keep hold of your courage and strength as your evolve into your best self yet! Love you tons!
Thanks for the kind words. I’m very lucky to have you engage with my writing and be such an incredible supporter.
Appreciate you :)
And just LOVE the photo you took at the top of this essay!!! Would be awesome to frame this one!
Haha thanks Mom :) one of my better photos
I noticed a recurring theme in your writing, Tommy. Which is your fear of not being enough, of always finding a higher benchmark in somebody else and trying to get there. Part of it might trace back to your innate competitiveness (something else I've noticed), part of it might trace back to your intelligence and curiosity and continuous desire to do more and do better. Well, all these things are part of being human, and I would worry if they weren't there. Having said that, I think (being probably at least twice your age) the key to a peaceful existence (and here I'm referring to the "peace from mind", as you so brilliantly and elegantly put it) is to find a way to observe all these human things from above, or from outside. As if you were a spectator. I'm saying this because I used to be much like you and the switch for me occurred when I understood that things happen when you're not after them, when you simply acknowledge something without being obsessive about it, when you let the universe do its work. When you learn to observe what's happening inside you in an uninvolved manner. I know it sounds shamanic, a little, but in time you'll find that's easier than you think. I too am a huge fan of Morning Pages, although I've never had the discipline they require, and I've failed nicely at them. Do I like that? Of course, I'd love to go years writing three pages longhand every morning and finding peace, liberation, and meditation in this practice. But I can't. Well, sometimes I can, sometimes (many times) I can't. And that's ok.
Beautiful piece, as always.
You're growing, my friend.
Silvio, wow. I must’ve reread this ten times.
I want to thank you for the time and thought you put into everything you write including this beautiful reflection. This was an absolute treat of a comment.
You’re spot on about my competitiveness and desire to be something greater. They’re elements that have existed in me since I was small but I’m still unearthing them, bringing them into conscious awareness.
We may have spoke of this before, but I’ve been a very imitative person. Since I was 6-7 years old (and perhaps earlier) I had models I would study and obsess over. While this has helped me develop skills it also lends to a certain insufficiency, restlessness, emptiness.
Studying Girard this summer was like reading a Rosetta Stone. I saw my desires and imitation and models I aspire to in broad daylight. I’m still working through it all.
I’ve struggled with consistency as well. While I love journaling now, I’m dubious I’ll still keep the same practice a year from now. Change is constant, unexpected.
My true goal is to have no dependencies, no rituals, no maintenance work at all. To be able to wake up and journal and read and meditate but just as easily go outside for a walk or talk to my partner or get coffee with a friend or garden in the sun.
I can’t really express in words how lucky and grateful I am to have you in my life, reading my work, engaging with my ideas. Thank you.
Your work and ideas are worth engaging with, Tommy. Please keep it up! :)
This is an essay itself. Profound Silvio.
That was my response exactly. Feel very lucky :)
Simply incredible. Thanks for writing this Tommy.
Ahh thank you for the kind comment John! Means a lot coming from you :) made my day
"There are many boats to cross the channel."
I just had a conversation with a good friend about this. There's a story in Hispanic history when the Spaniards landed in Mexico. They named the landing place Veracruz. For though they had crossed an ocean they paid homage to the greatest crossing that was completed between heaven and earth.
If you need to cross an ocean, build a ship. The oars and aft of meditation do not compare to the sails and stern of religion in the oldest sense of the word.
I'm still contemplating so many of the well stated things you brought to this essay. Great piece Tommy.
Thank you for such a beautiful reflection Steven. Brought a big smile to my face seeing your name here :)
This was beautiful: “The oars and aft of meditation do not compare to the sails and stern of religion in the oldest sense of the word.”
Appreciate the kind words my friend
I’m still digesting a lot of this fantastic essay myself.
“The oars and aft of meditation do not compare to the sails and stern of religion in the oldest sense of the word.”
I really like that line. Thanks for sharing.
When fear consumes you and holds you back, that can be a sign that you must do that terrifying thing. In my life, any time I have wanted to do some brave, unexpected, past-my-boundaries action, a “horse-faced woman” appears. She scoffs, tells me I am not capable, and scares me to my toes. Any time I have steeled myself and gone forward, I have awed myself.
Thank you for writing this story of your struggles, triumphs, and discoveries, Tommy. I laugh with you at your horse-faced detractor!
J.T. thank you for leaving such a beautiful reflection here. It really resonates.
You’re so right with fear as signal. Often fear is precisely the sign we need to do that thing. Psychology tells us when you experience fear the single best thing you can do is confront it immediately and directly. This lesson has taken me a long time to learn. I used to take months to check my university exam grades.
My favourite example of that story mythologized when King Arthur and the Knight’s of Round Table are searching for the Holy Grail. And each knight is told, to find the grail, to start their search in the part of the forest that looks darkest to them.
I love the image of the horse-faced detractor. I’ll remember that one next time I face fear :)
Thank you J.T. I appreciate you
Tommy, I am delighted to hear that you can relate to my detractor’s persona. I am fascinated by the thought of knights beginning their adventures in the darkest areas they could find.
Thanks for replying!
Very well put.
Thank you, Kevin!
Beautiful.
Thank you :) really means a lot
I like the cut of your jib,sailor!👏✍️
Thanks Kevin! I had a really hard time with this essay and was close to not publishing at all.
Appreciate the support :)
You continue to amaze me with the kindness, thoughtfulness and insight in your words Kevin. Never fails to bring a smile to my face.
Meditation guilt is an interesting thread to pull on and certainly something I’ve battled each time I fell away from the practice.
I’m so glad this piece shed some light on your experience and it’s something you resonated with. Makes me happy.
Thank you again for all your support and energy. This was a post I regretted publishing after sending out. These words mean a lot.
I recently read, somewhere, on here in fact, that the writer wouldn’t press post unless he knew it was leaving himself vulnerable. Your reply reminded me of what the chap, whose name escapes me at the mo, was saying. I would add, is that not the point? Terrific writing mo chāra.
Neil Gaiman has a similar quote about when you feel like you’re walking down the street naked, you just may be getting it right...
You are more than welcome. I somehow managed to delete whatever I managed to say, by clicking without spectacles attached to my cumbersome brow. In any case, please, continue on your journey! Take us with you man!😆travel by proxy. Now, will I do a Wim Hof 11 minute breathing exercise before bed? “ let the body do, what the body is capable of doing!”😆
Hahaha I know that same breathing exercise all too well. Wim is the best.
❄️haha.. yeah, I jumped ship from zen to frozen. Wim is a character. You’ve got to love the guy.
Hey Tommy - I think you accomplished that. And ya, I think it is just about the search, the pursuit for better.
Sometimes (most times) I think it's our ego that drives us to pursue these things. It's always looking for better. Sadly, it misses what's right in front of us too often that we forget that we don't need nearly as much as we think we do. I think that's where meditation shines, and I mean present moment awareness-type meditation. Morning pages and downloading our thoughts is great, but it is still the mind. What's needed, I think, is to find the gaps of no mind where everything is alright exactly as it is. When we tap into that, we find peace and the idea of pursuit seems frivolous.
I can get there for brief moments, but the other 95% of the time, I'm off chasing things! Anyway, I don't want to write a whole book here. Keep up the great work and writing that you're doing!
BTW, are you Canadian?
-D
Completely agree on the ego getting in the way. The ego is so sneaky - it can get itself entangled in the very attempt to transcend it.
It still is the mind and as much as I love journaling, sometimes I feel like I’m fuelling the fire rather than letting it burn itself out - if that makes sense.
I am Canadian! Grew up just outside of Toronto (: what about you ?
Totally makes sense.
I'm from Burlington :)
Thanks Tommy. Your essay did brighten my day. I can relate to the feeling that you HAVE to meditate, like it’s a prerequisite for being happy, finding peace et al. I think you’re right that, ultimately, we have to find our own vessel for spirituality.
I was also on a similar spiritual path as you and even now, 20 years in, I’m still searching for the right vessel. You offer a good argument for morning pages. I think I might have to give them another try. Cheers.
David, so glad to hear. Thank you for reading & taking the time to leave such a thoughtful note.
Since writing this, I continue to experiment. Morning pages have stuck for me as a staple but I returned to meditation, went to a 7 day silent retreat, visited monastery’s in Thailand. I’ve also tried cold exposure, saunas, long runs - more embodied physical rituals that tire my body and settle my mind.
Perhaps it’s just about the search. The experimentation. The willingness to look.
I think I just wanted to remind myself and others that there’s more than one way.
Hope the rest of your week is lovely & thank you again (:
Belated comment - but I'm STILL working through Sam Harris's introductory course on Waking Up. It's been like 2 months now and I'm still on day 17 but I am slowly but surely getting through it!
Hahaha "happy belated comment".
Awesome you're working through it at your own pace :) so easy for me to want to rush things and get them done when it's so nonsensical and not the point of meditation at all
Would love to chat more about your experience with it sometime!
Yes for sure! I can also let you know when I finally reach day #30...
meditation accountability buddy !!
This was so insightful and helpful to hear! I resonate with your experience, I also have been going back and forth with my meditation practice, and for me yoga, journaling, and just walking and being present has been more helpful in clearing my mind than meditation. It helps during my phases of anxiety, but on a regular basis I found the other techniques to work better for me :)
Gabriella!
Thank you so much for reading & the beautiful reflection you wrote here :)
yoga, journaling, and walking are all so good. I love going on long walks & yoga always feels so restorative afterwards
All have motion in common. Instead of sitting still, moving through time and space. I find movement helps my brain churn through thoughts more than stillness. Stillness is generative.
Thank you again :) appreciate you
Absolutely! I’m new to Substack, and I’ve been enjoying your publication. Your writing is quite inspiring for my own writing journey and getting myself unstuck from perfectionism and just letting the words flow :)
Aw that makes me so happy to hear :) love it
Tommy, what a thoughtful and insightful piece. As I was reading through, I resonated with the 'oh man I'm a novice again' thing that sometimes comes tangled with mindfulness/meditation. I feel like different practices are needed for the different phases of life. Like you said, meditation helped for certain periods of time and then become less effective or dropped off.
As you described, I used to think that if I just 'meditated more', then my life would be great. And of course there's some truth in that. But it's not the full picture.
I'm starting to see that life tends to get deeper as we get older. And when life changes quickly, we often face things that feel 'bigger' than us. And each time that happens, we'll probably need different tools to help us through.
I loved Joseph Campbell's idea of 'knowing your machinery' as well. I'm going to go buy that book. I love it because then you become the captain of your machinery can better steer yourself any waters you choose to travel or find yourself in. What a wonderful piece!
Renee! Thank you so much for reading & such a beautiful reflection you wrote :) made my day
I think you’re exactly right. Meditation can be an aid but the idea it can solve all your problems is unlikely to be true. Humans evolved as tool using creatures. It’s hardwired in our biology. It’s finding the tools that work for you & knowing when to use them. Be it: meditation or journaling or a long walk or music or exercise or sleep, etc.
I stumbled across Joseph Campbell this year and read three of his books in a row. He has some excellent ideas that really clicked for me. The Reader is a good overview.
Thanks again :) appreciate you
“Life gets deeper as we get older” is SO right.
Haha always happy to comment on a great bit of writing :) And I couldn't agree more. We are certainly tool using creatures and are constantly on the look out for new or better tools. Interesting idea with so many angles to explore... I wonder where our tools will take us next.
Which Joseph Campbell books did you read? I knew him through the hero's journey which I really loved but haven't actually read any of his originals yet.
Really insightful writing and appreciate the reply to the comment too :)