Hahaha that’s so good Rick! Being able to co-exist with anyone in tight spaces without wanting to strangle them is a good sign that they’re your type of person!
really appreciate you reading. Hope you have a lovely December weekend (:
I’ll spoil it all for you now: You are the right person. You are the one you are waiting for. You won’t just know. You’ll doubt and grow. Doubt and grow. Doubt and grow...
Funny about "finding the one". If you approach it as if you were writing 2 fictional characters, falling in love, you'd arrive at the same insights as you do here:
1. Forced Proximity
2. Shared Secrets
3. Nicknames
4. Inside Jokes
5. Heightened Emotional Perception
6. Protectiveness
7. Constant reminders of each other
A great example of art imitating life which imitates art.
That’s so interesting Mohammad! Did you come up this those 7 steps (seems like an essay in the making!!)
Especially heightened emotional perception. There’s many ways a partner forces you to grow & this is a major one.
And the relationship between art and life always fascinates me. There’s this quote from Nietzsche I’ll paraphrase that artists don’t depict reality as it is but exaggerate certain elements to portray a feeling or idea. It’s so fascinating
It's a combo of both. I had ideas of the factors but the list is from another writer who put it together.
Love that Nietzsche quote and it's definitely true. Sometimes art are reflections of reality but most of the time they show how life could be.
It's why astronomers love Van Gogh's Starry Night. Even though it might not be accurate to the real night sky at the time, it's how he saw it & how it could be.
“When the right person comes along, I think I will know. It will be easy. It will be obvious. To both of us. The deep knowing of our shared future will manifest in that moment. All in the meeting of the eyes.
My heart will tell me they are “the one”7.
And shortly there after the “work” will start as you point out in footnote #7 😀 And that work is where the depth in the relationship will come from.
Profound wisdom and beautiful expression in this essay Tommy.
And glad you noticed the footnote! I didn’t want to suggest that there’s a “perfect person” out there where the relationship won’t require effort and sacrifice. Just with the right person, the effort will be worth it.
Really appreciate you reading & your kind words. Was nervous for this one. Means a lot :)
I think the perfect person might just be the one who will require you to grow, learn, and sacrifice. So often, people bail on relationships when "their work" is revealed. Only to discover five relationships later that "their work" keeps following them, and they can't sidestep it. My two cents :)
Yes. I have an essay on love that is in the works that will expand on this. In my experience, the growing, sacrifice, and becoming someone greater than who you were when you meet someone can be so hard, especially with kids, that you know you’re with the right person when you’ll undertake all that messy growth because you don’t want to be without that person. :). I’ve learned the hard way after several relationships and one divorce…and being 57 now!!
I’ve definitely felt intimations of that. How being with another person forced me to grow, and how sometimes I resisted it. I love that idea that the person pulls you through. Inspires you to grow because it’s worth it.
I had an ex who loved the memes I’d send her. She had a sailors sense of humour. She just couldn’t stand the job. So I had the laughter but it wasn’t easy = not a good outcome.
Hmmm so it seems like there’s a balance of both required. Both able to laugh together but also a relationship that doesn’t feel full of friction.
I’ve noticed in relationships that haven’t lasted, things just begin to feel so difficult and heavy. Like trudging through mud. And I often think “should a relationship really feel this hard?”
my only contribution here as someone who has never been on a proper “first date” is that falling head over heels for a friend sometimes does work out ! it can be done !
Thanks Anthony! Really appreciate the kind words my friend
I’m glad I was able to educate & entertain at the same time. That’s what I’m trying to focus on more with my writing and very very slowly getting a bit better
You had me at hot chocolate 😉 I think the more interesting you are as a person, the harder it is to find the one…I believe in random encounters, I believe in saying yes and going with the flow, I believe in effortless interactions and leaving the effort for work life, I believe in spending time and space with someone is the best way for the concoction of love…
I’ve also read somewhere: “the more unique you are, the harder it is for someone to break up with you”. Or something like that. There’s definitely something special about uniqueness and authenticity
Getting thanked for feedback is one thing, but getting a footnote... is this Christmas morning?
--
Tommy I can't even tell you how good this essay turned out. I adore it. I'm so happy I got to see it transform. You really leaned into this piece and made it your own. And you might be desperate but aren't we all? I think the Beatles said something wise one time... it's on the tip of my tongue.... oh yeah... all you need is love, love, love is all you need.
In my books, Christmas morning is like the best thing ever so this especially brought a big smile to my face.
I hope I answered your question to your satisfaction. Although - true to philosophical form - I didn’t really give a clear answer.
Thanks so much for all your help on this piece. You pushed me to write it in the first person when I didn’t want to and really helped me shape it into something I’m proud of.
I think the Beatles were exactly right. We’ll never have enough love in this world.
And for book recommendations - if you haven’t read All the light we cannot see or Everyone in my family has killed someone - those are 2 books I couldn’t put down
1. You should totally try yoga, specifically hot yoga. I think you would love it and you’re right, it probably is a good place to meet women as you would likely be one of the only guys there.
2. You’re entirely right about dating apps. Tried them for the first time recently and they are absolutely awful, definitely not missing anything there.
3. About footnote #5 - the song Invisible String by Taylor Swift is entirely about this concept, if you haven’t heard it yet I would recommend giving it a listen. And then listen to the rest of her songs as they are all absolute masterpieces hahaha
I think relationships are a huge topic of thought for a lot of people around our age (or maybe at any age?), the unknown can be so intriguing and exciting and horrifying and confusing. “Happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time” as Taylor Swift says - as a 22 year old I can very much relate to that song hahaha. There’s this quote I saw a few months ago that I loved, it helps to read it when I’m scared I may never meet the people I’m supposed to, that says: “All the right people are going to come and all the wrong people are going to leave ... you’re going to wake up next to the love of your life and spill sweet words over morning coffee. You’re going to have slow Sundays and wholesome holidays. Your art is going to be impactful and you’re going to be recognized for your devotion. You’re going to travel and see the world and you’re going to encounter incredible people along the way. Life will work out perfectly.”
Always brings a smile to my face to see your comment (:
I actually have done one hot yoga class! I mostly do yoga at home but I’d love to go more routinely some day. I’ll have to move up a few income brackets first, I suspect.
Yeah, I don’t have experience on dating apps. My brother actually met his girlfriend online and that was over two years ago. But I’m just a bit old fashioned I suppose.
Taylor Swift is SUCH a good writer. Think it gets overlooked too often.
And wowza I love that quote. Beautiful. One of those things that I read and know is true but so easy to forget and get caught up in the short term. I really believe everything I want exists somewhere on my timeline, even if I can’t see it yet. I’m reading the Iliad which is 3000 years old and one line goes “the gods don’t grant you everything all at once”. Timeless.
Thanks again for engaging with my ideas and being so thoughtful :) you’re the best
Hahaha that’s so true!! I hate how expensive it is to go, I would definitely go more often if that weren’t the case.
My best friend met her boyfriend online as well! I have this gut feeling that that won’t be the case for me tho hahaha I suppose I’m more old fashioned as well.
Right!!! She truly is a modern day poet, she writes the most honest, beautiful lyrics.
I’ll have to give that book a read! Universal truth I suppose, and definitely so easy to forget.
Leber! Thanks so much for reading & leaving the note. Brought a smile to my face.
Very very good questions haha. I’ll have to ponder them some more. I suppose the hope is that moment of knowing is actualized & solidifies the mystery even more. And the dread that it could potentially invalidate or harm any relationships that weren’t immediately obvious. Potentially stop what could be rewarding from even happening.
Still very much learning. Doubting and growing. Thank you again for reading & thought provoking questions :)
yes ! a brave post for sure! but the interaction so far hopefully shows how worth it the bravery was this time. (sometimes bravery is not worth it 😂 like going on a million dates is not worth it)
but sometimes things strike a cord and immediately there's connection! ta da!
Tommy! This essay is an officially official poetic bliss. I really agree that there's no better way to find your people than engaging in friendly social interactions. I lived in a co-living space with 15 shockingly divergent humans for a year, and most of the deepest friendships in my life were born out of that experience of sharing kitchen spaces and late night chatting with those 15 homies. You can never build that kind of organic intimacy on artificially fabricated 1-1 dates (imho, the *dates* often feel like verbally exchanging Instagram/LinkedIn profiles, so I never do them either). Love and closeness need time and space to unfold.
Also, I'll probably never shake this image of hermaphroditic Adam from my imagination, so yeah, thank you for writing this
Anna! Haha thank you so much for the kind words :) means a lot coming from you
That 15 person co-living space sounds like quite the experience! I so agree. Deep relationships need time to emerge and evolve. And there’s so much value in just doing nothing with people. Now I don’t live with friends (after 4 years with roommates in school) we see each other but it’s much more scheduled and forced.
Haha I love that. Not just dates that are exchanging social profiles. I joked people would be better off downtown just handing each other print outs of their LinkedIn.
You worded it much more beautifully that me (: sounds like an essay in the making
Hope you had a lovely December weekend. Thank for for your note
LinkedIn printouts is a fabulous concept, that's dating consulting 101, kudos to you ahaha. And I deeply resonate with struggling to keep up the connection with friends after moving apart, it's the most painful part of *growing up* (who coined that term, god). I hope we all can find our ways to foster bonds with our meaningful people )
Great essay buddy. Infused with wisdom, humour, depth, descriptiveness, and sensory detail. I love how you constantly expand the boundaries of what you write about. Nothing is too far out of reach for you. Keep up the wonderful work :)
Thanks Jack (: definitely a new topic I’ve never explored before but just trying to follow the trail of interestingness and what’s been on my mind and some of the dots I’ve connected from Campbell and Austen and The Bible.
Appreciate you always reading my work. I think you’re one of the only people - if not the only - who’s read everything I’ve written and that means so much.
The recipe for great writing: following your own interests and connecting seemingly strange unconnected dots. You are on The Path.
It has been a true pleasure to read your writing for so long. It's one of the few newsletters I consistently read every week (besides Longevity Minded... I hear the guy who writes that is doing great work).
Can you co-exist in harmony in the kitchen and the bathroom? That's the real test of having found the one.
Hahaha that’s so good Rick! Being able to co-exist with anyone in tight spaces without wanting to strangle them is a good sign that they’re your type of person!
really appreciate you reading. Hope you have a lovely December weekend (:
lol, this is the true, practical wisdom of life Rick
I’ll spoil it all for you now: You are the right person. You are the one you are waiting for. You won’t just know. You’ll doubt and grow. Doubt and grow. Doubt and grow...
“Doubt and grow” is so good. Kinda articulates the exact state I’ve felt I’m in these days but haven’t been able to put words to.
Thank you for reading Steven & the wise words, as always. Means a lot (:
As my 13 year old daughters say: FACTS.
Hahaha i love that James
Funny about "finding the one". If you approach it as if you were writing 2 fictional characters, falling in love, you'd arrive at the same insights as you do here:
1. Forced Proximity
2. Shared Secrets
3. Nicknames
4. Inside Jokes
5. Heightened Emotional Perception
6. Protectiveness
7. Constant reminders of each other
A great example of art imitating life which imitates art.
That’s so interesting Mohammad! Did you come up this those 7 steps (seems like an essay in the making!!)
Especially heightened emotional perception. There’s many ways a partner forces you to grow & this is a major one.
And the relationship between art and life always fascinates me. There’s this quote from Nietzsche I’ll paraphrase that artists don’t depict reality as it is but exaggerate certain elements to portray a feeling or idea. It’s so fascinating
It's a combo of both. I had ideas of the factors but the list is from another writer who put it together.
Love that Nietzsche quote and it's definitely true. Sometimes art are reflections of reality but most of the time they show how life could be.
It's why astronomers love Van Gogh's Starry Night. Even though it might not be accurate to the real night sky at the time, it's how he saw it & how it could be.
Ahh that’s beautiful
Thank you for sharing Mohammad. Appreciate you :)
“When the right person comes along, I think I will know. It will be easy. It will be obvious. To both of us. The deep knowing of our shared future will manifest in that moment. All in the meeting of the eyes.
My heart will tell me they are “the one”7.
And shortly there after the “work” will start as you point out in footnote #7 😀 And that work is where the depth in the relationship will come from.
Profound wisdom and beautiful expression in this essay Tommy.
Thanks so much James.
And glad you noticed the footnote! I didn’t want to suggest that there’s a “perfect person” out there where the relationship won’t require effort and sacrifice. Just with the right person, the effort will be worth it.
Really appreciate you reading & your kind words. Was nervous for this one. Means a lot :)
I think the perfect person might just be the one who will require you to grow, learn, and sacrifice. So often, people bail on relationships when "their work" is revealed. Only to discover five relationships later that "their work" keeps following them, and they can't sidestep it. My two cents :)
Ahh that’s so interesting.
“the perfect person might just be the one who will require you to grow, learn, and sacrifice”
You certainly have much more experience than me here haha. Sounds like a potential future essay in the making...
saving to notes (:
Yes. I have an essay on love that is in the works that will expand on this. In my experience, the growing, sacrifice, and becoming someone greater than who you were when you meet someone can be so hard, especially with kids, that you know you’re with the right person when you’ll undertake all that messy growth because you don’t want to be without that person. :). I’ve learned the hard way after several relationships and one divorce…and being 57 now!!
I’ve definitely felt intimations of that. How being with another person forced me to grow, and how sometimes I resisted it. I love that idea that the person pulls you through. Inspires you to grow because it’s worth it.
I think a lot of people would resonate!
You know you’ve found the one when it’s easy. When you both laugh.
Exactly. I love that so much. Just being able to laugh together is so simple yet so profound.
I’ve been thinking a lot of people who make it “easy to love” both with friends and more romantic relationships
I had an ex who loved the memes I’d send her. She had a sailors sense of humour. She just couldn’t stand the job. So I had the laughter but it wasn’t easy = not a good outcome.
Hmmm so it seems like there’s a balance of both required. Both able to laugh together but also a relationship that doesn’t feel full of friction.
I’ve noticed in relationships that haven’t lasted, things just begin to feel so difficult and heavy. Like trudging through mud. And I often think “should a relationship really feel this hard?”
Although very much still learning
Relationships shouldn’t be hard. You have hard times (maybe have debt or some other thing happen) but the actual relationship should be easy.
My advice. Find a beautiful easy going red head and make her laugh.
Hahaha love it.
Thank you for engaging with my ideas :)
my only contribution here as someone who has never been on a proper “first date” is that falling head over heels for a friend sometimes does work out ! it can be done !
Katie! So good to hear from you :) Thanks so much for reading
That’s an awesome contribution! Sounds like a potential future essay ...
Hope you’re having a lovely weekend
Expressed with beautiful truth, Tommy. As to no surprise.
Thank you for making me laugh, think deeper, and smile.
Cheers to this piece - and to your continual growth journey.
Thanks Anthony! Really appreciate the kind words my friend
I’m glad I was able to educate & entertain at the same time. That’s what I’m trying to focus on more with my writing and very very slowly getting a bit better
Hope you have a lovely December weekend (:
You had me at hot chocolate 😉 I think the more interesting you are as a person, the harder it is to find the one…I believe in random encounters, I believe in saying yes and going with the flow, I believe in effortless interactions and leaving the effort for work life, I believe in spending time and space with someone is the best way for the concoction of love…
I’ve also read somewhere: “the more unique you are, the harder it is for someone to break up with you”. Or something like that. There’s definitely something special about uniqueness and authenticity
I love this reflection. Thank you for sharing (:
It’s so true! But the fact that they won’t break up with you doesn’t mean they are right for you…
Getting thanked for feedback is one thing, but getting a footnote... is this Christmas morning?
--
Tommy I can't even tell you how good this essay turned out. I adore it. I'm so happy I got to see it transform. You really leaned into this piece and made it your own. And you might be desperate but aren't we all? I think the Beatles said something wise one time... it's on the tip of my tongue.... oh yeah... all you need is love, love, love is all you need.
Haha thanks so much Haley (:
In my books, Christmas morning is like the best thing ever so this especially brought a big smile to my face.
I hope I answered your question to your satisfaction. Although - true to philosophical form - I didn’t really give a clear answer.
Thanks so much for all your help on this piece. You pushed me to write it in the first person when I didn’t want to and really helped me shape it into something I’m proud of.
I think the Beatles were exactly right. We’ll never have enough love in this world.
And for book recommendations - if you haven’t read All the light we cannot see or Everyone in my family has killed someone - those are 2 books I couldn’t put down
Also, the wind most definitely makes a sound and simply speaks a language that we do not. Maybe if we listen enough we can learn.
I love how you went with that. I would agree... I think nature has so much to teach only if we listen
Tommy!! Beautiful piece of writing, as always
1. You should totally try yoga, specifically hot yoga. I think you would love it and you’re right, it probably is a good place to meet women as you would likely be one of the only guys there.
2. You’re entirely right about dating apps. Tried them for the first time recently and they are absolutely awful, definitely not missing anything there.
3. About footnote #5 - the song Invisible String by Taylor Swift is entirely about this concept, if you haven’t heard it yet I would recommend giving it a listen. And then listen to the rest of her songs as they are all absolute masterpieces hahaha
I think relationships are a huge topic of thought for a lot of people around our age (or maybe at any age?), the unknown can be so intriguing and exciting and horrifying and confusing. “Happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time” as Taylor Swift says - as a 22 year old I can very much relate to that song hahaha. There’s this quote I saw a few months ago that I loved, it helps to read it when I’m scared I may never meet the people I’m supposed to, that says: “All the right people are going to come and all the wrong people are going to leave ... you’re going to wake up next to the love of your life and spill sweet words over morning coffee. You’re going to have slow Sundays and wholesome holidays. Your art is going to be impactful and you’re going to be recognized for your devotion. You’re going to travel and see the world and you’re going to encounter incredible people along the way. Life will work out perfectly.”
Thanks for another great read:))
Rachel !!
Always brings a smile to my face to see your comment (:
I actually have done one hot yoga class! I mostly do yoga at home but I’d love to go more routinely some day. I’ll have to move up a few income brackets first, I suspect.
Yeah, I don’t have experience on dating apps. My brother actually met his girlfriend online and that was over two years ago. But I’m just a bit old fashioned I suppose.
Taylor Swift is SUCH a good writer. Think it gets overlooked too often.
And wowza I love that quote. Beautiful. One of those things that I read and know is true but so easy to forget and get caught up in the short term. I really believe everything I want exists somewhere on my timeline, even if I can’t see it yet. I’m reading the Iliad which is 3000 years old and one line goes “the gods don’t grant you everything all at once”. Timeless.
Thanks again for engaging with my ideas and being so thoughtful :) you’re the best
Hahaha that’s so true!! I hate how expensive it is to go, I would definitely go more often if that weren’t the case.
My best friend met her boyfriend online as well! I have this gut feeling that that won’t be the case for me tho hahaha I suppose I’m more old fashioned as well.
Right!!! She truly is a modern day poet, she writes the most honest, beautiful lyrics.
I’ll have to give that book a read! Universal truth I suppose, and definitely so easy to forget.
Nice...very nice.
So, Tommy, what do you envision your future wife's reaction will be upon reading this essay? Which reaction will you hope for? Which do you dread?
Leber! Thanks so much for reading & leaving the note. Brought a smile to my face.
Very very good questions haha. I’ll have to ponder them some more. I suppose the hope is that moment of knowing is actualized & solidifies the mystery even more. And the dread that it could potentially invalidate or harm any relationships that weren’t immediately obvious. Potentially stop what could be rewarding from even happening.
Still very much learning. Doubting and growing. Thank you again for reading & thought provoking questions :)
this everything i've been thinking about for months now !!
the chaos that is romantics love, fate, and mutual attraction all put together in a tidy, fun, readable essay.
saving this for sharing among my friends both singleton and married !!
Delaney! Thank you so much for reading & the kind words. Made my day :)
I’m glad it resonated. I was a bit worried about publishing this one so this was especially nice to hear.
I appreciate you. Hope you have a lovely weekend
yes ! a brave post for sure! but the interaction so far hopefully shows how worth it the bravery was this time. (sometimes bravery is not worth it 😂 like going on a million dates is not worth it)
but sometimes things strike a cord and immediately there's connection! ta da!
keep doing the things! people are listening!!
Hahaha you’re right. Sometimes the bravery isn’t worth it. And sometimes bravery kinda sucks. Not fun. Lots of discomfort.
But when it pays off, it definitely feels good (:
can't wait to hear what you keep thinking about with regard to love and the rest!
and yes when bravery pays...it's. the. best.
thank you :)
Tommy! This essay is an officially official poetic bliss. I really agree that there's no better way to find your people than engaging in friendly social interactions. I lived in a co-living space with 15 shockingly divergent humans for a year, and most of the deepest friendships in my life were born out of that experience of sharing kitchen spaces and late night chatting with those 15 homies. You can never build that kind of organic intimacy on artificially fabricated 1-1 dates (imho, the *dates* often feel like verbally exchanging Instagram/LinkedIn profiles, so I never do them either). Love and closeness need time and space to unfold.
Also, I'll probably never shake this image of hermaphroditic Adam from my imagination, so yeah, thank you for writing this
Anna! Haha thank you so much for the kind words :) means a lot coming from you
That 15 person co-living space sounds like quite the experience! I so agree. Deep relationships need time to emerge and evolve. And there’s so much value in just doing nothing with people. Now I don’t live with friends (after 4 years with roommates in school) we see each other but it’s much more scheduled and forced.
Haha I love that. Not just dates that are exchanging social profiles. I joked people would be better off downtown just handing each other print outs of their LinkedIn.
You worded it much more beautifully that me (: sounds like an essay in the making
Hope you had a lovely December weekend. Thank for for your note
LinkedIn printouts is a fabulous concept, that's dating consulting 101, kudos to you ahaha. And I deeply resonate with struggling to keep up the connection with friends after moving apart, it's the most painful part of *growing up* (who coined that term, god). I hope we all can find our ways to foster bonds with our meaningful people )
If dating coaching doesn’t work out, maybe my next business venture will be a LinkedIn profile print kiosk in some bank building...
Haha “growing up” is a funny one. A lot of “grown ups” have never grown up.
Thanks Anna :)
Great essay buddy. Infused with wisdom, humour, depth, descriptiveness, and sensory detail. I love how you constantly expand the boundaries of what you write about. Nothing is too far out of reach for you. Keep up the wonderful work :)
Thanks Jack (: definitely a new topic I’ve never explored before but just trying to follow the trail of interestingness and what’s been on my mind and some of the dots I’ve connected from Campbell and Austen and The Bible.
Appreciate you always reading my work. I think you’re one of the only people - if not the only - who’s read everything I’ve written and that means so much.
The recipe for great writing: following your own interests and connecting seemingly strange unconnected dots. You are on The Path.
It has been a true pleasure to read your writing for so long. It's one of the few newsletters I consistently read every week (besides Longevity Minded... I hear the guy who writes that is doing great work).
🫶