helping alex dobrenko with linkedin

he really needs it

foreshadowing? (source: also alex)

When I saw Alex’s cry for help for someone to school him in LinkedIn networking I knew I was the perfect man for the job.

I graciously decided to come out of retirement to save his floundering career and inundate him with the advice he desperately needs, plus some advice he doesn’t need but I’m gonna give him anyway. 

Why?

I was once a pro at LinkedIn.

And my Mom used to tell me not to “rest on my laurels” but I’m like “lol Mom, who’s Laurel?” 

Since I was once good at LinkedIn I will always be good at it for eternity and I’ve earned the right to tell people what to do. Because that’s how it works.  

Le Backstory

LinkedIn for business students is basically like Instagram for Wine Moms. It’s your lifeline to any modicum of relevancy, your place in the social hierarchy, and if you don’t have it you basically don’t exist. 

Except instead of commenting “Wow! Amazing!” on all of Sarah’s nine goddamn photos she posted from her winter getaway to Jamaica, business students (aka "humans aspiring to look down on the poors") comment “Wow! Amazing!” on job updates. Plus they have to deal with the existential angst of nosediving their entire career if they make one wrong move.

I spent hours and hours and hours curating the perfect, pristine, polished LinkedIn profile. (Usually instead of paying attention in economics class).

Copying the formatting the older Patagonia-vest-in-July-type guys used, down to the number of bullets and commas and stuff. 

Connecting with hundreds of people I didn’t know to build a real, authentic, valuable network. But also to get to that glorious 500 number so it just says I have “500+ connections” and everyone can gape and guess at how many it actually is. But know it’s probably more than them. 

Setting up calls with very humble 23 year old bankers. Who told me how I need to read this book on Quantitative Investing like yesterday and enter as many stock pitch competitions as possible and send 10 cold emails a day. Oh, and also be humble and likable. Don’t rub anyone the wrong way or everyone will know, cuz everyone talks to everyone so like, watch the hell out.

I was even at the crest of the wave when it stopped being cool to have all your accomplishments on LinkedIn. It started being cool to have very few. Because it’s a statement that you’re so successful and accomplished and good at business and win so many awards and scholarships and case competitions that you just lose track of all your first-place ribbons. Or you simply can’t be bothered to add them all, because that would take too long plus everyone already knows how successful and good at business you are.

It’s why I left my LinkedIn blank for a week.

At one point I had +200 connection requests because of how good at business I am. But, to make sure they all knew how important and busy and accomplished I am, I let them wait for weeks. You know, drool a little. If I responded too quickly they’d think I have free time or value them as people and who the hell wants to do that? Plus, whenever I was feeling insecure about my self-worth, I could just tab on over to LinkedIn and scroll through all the people who only wished they could connect with me. Yeah, keep wishing.

I even bought premium for a year but used it so much that they told me I needed to upgrade again to LinkedIn Recruiter (there’s a level above premium lol) cause I was searching so much they thought I was a recruiter. 

Like I said. I was a pro. 

Okay now that I’ve established my dominance, I mean superiority, I mean authority… I mean now that I’ve established my knowledge that I’m so grateful and humbled and honored to share with everyone…

onto Alex’s cry for help… 

Alex wrote an essay sharing his journey on LinkedIn with a few posts he made. 

He wrote:

I’ve been trying to figure out how the hell to network on LinkedIn and honestly, things are not going well. 

Genuinely asking here — can y’all take a look at my posts below and let me know what you would recommend doing differently?

You asked for it.

The following is a play-by-play analysis of Alex’s flailing LinkedIn posts analyzed by a tip-top business man such as myself.

I’m doing a lot of lead up here cuz it’s the first lesson on LinkedIn: do a lot of lead up. See you’re already learning. 

And you better be taking notes Alex. Because when you’re lower in the food chain you should always be taking notes of everything that anyone above you says if you want to prove you are worthy.

Plus the first people who read this draft were confused and didn’t understand that I’m sharing 3 snippets from a blog post Alex already wrote and then adding my commentary in between. 

(Alex also told me to take risks with my writing so if you get mad it’s basically his fault so talk to him about it. I will give you his phone number and personal email and ZIP code… for a small $$$ fee. See second LinkedIn lesson I’ve already taught you: Don’t do anything for free. Unless you’re an intern and want a job offer then do whatever work they tell you and don’t ask any questions even if it’s pointless and won’t get used and will sit in a Windows folder for the rest of time.)

Okay now onto Alex for realsies…

Post #1: If you fail, try again

I’m really big into Living My Principles right now, so I decided to try posting about failing and trying again. I’d just finished James Clear book “Habits So Teeny You Can’t Even Find Em With A Microscope” and I was like YES this guy is everything!

I did some research on him and his past and wrote up a quick post on his origin story:

How many emails did I get as a result of this post? One. From James Clear’s attorneys (which sounds like a made up word) asking me to not only cease but also desist? Um… pick one? Lol that’s what I wrote back I said, um…pick one?

Okay so you’re doing a lot wrong Alex. Good thing I’m here to save you… I mean mentor you.

This one is pretty obvious. 

You forgot the second edition he wrote about the habits you need to build an atom bomb yourself cuz James Clear was lazy and tried to repurpose half of the first book but the publisher said “James you can’t do that”.

This speaks to a core pillar-principle on LinkedIn which is people always tell the truth and definitely don’t make up stories about their kids. 

So if you don’t tell the whole truth then you’re a big fat liar and no one in big business can be a liar.

Onto Alex’s second post… 

Post #2: Cover letters

I realized that maybe I was using advanced moves for people who are already Established on LinkedIn. So I went back to basics and wrote about cover letters.

Again I think this is pretty boilerplate.

You’re missing an example of how you’d cover something up for the company. 

Employers are looking for people who are willing to lay it all on the line for them to make a bit of extra cash, including your evenings and weekends and waistline and marriage and relationship with your kids and sanity. 

You need to show how with examples.

If you get the interview, make sure to prep for the classic “Walk me through a coverup?” question. And then the follow up “Well… Could you do it for us?” 

Tricky but if you nail it you’ll get the job.

It’s all about free cash flow baby. Except that cash flow certainly isn’t free lol. A lot of people who tried to boost their FCF ended up in prison.

Third post… 

Post #3: Pants Partnership

I reached out to my rolodex of sponsor partners. Luckily, Saul Costco, a close personal mentor, picked up and said he’d love to partner with me so here’s what that looked like:

We don’t have any data yet on sales but I’m getting some word-of-mouth feedback that the Signature Men’s 5 Pocket Performance Pant is selling better than ever before. Probably didn’t hurt that I suggested Costco set up a sample station for the pants so that anyone could try em on right in the store.

Honestly, I’d say this was executed pretty perfectly. 

Not much to add here.

Good job on reminding everyone how busy you are and how fast you move and also making yourself sound relatable saying you go to Costco because you’re relatable. 

Closing Thoughts

Besides that, get your AI content flywheel going, upgrade your keyword game, and write a weekly post on how grateful you are at all times for all the opportunities that rain down on you. 

Filter for top salary range and then spam Quick Apply to a few hundred job posts on a Tuesday afternoon when you should be working. 

Make sure to leave super genuine comments “Congrats!” and “Well Deserved!” at least 17 times a day on people’s job updates you’re definitely happy about and not at all petty or jealous (plus track it all in Excel) and also be yourself. 

Finally, don’t forget to remind people that you’re a great person and know a lot about business and are great at business and they should listen to everything you have to say about business. 

And you’ll be as good as gold.

If you’re not, then buy LinkedIn gold or premium or whatever because money will definitely solve your career crisis. And maybe your existential crisis too. 

Before you know it you’ll be hosting a webinar (or writing a Substack post to get attention) telling people how to be like you, but on LinkedIn…  but mostly be like you. 

Psst. If you liked this piece, message me on LinkedIn about it. Except I probably won’t answer for at least a month lol cuz I’m busy. Nice try.

Damn I joked about being unemployable but I’ll really be unemployable after this doozy. Burn bridges... Right ??? Or is it boats ? 

Carry boats, burn bridges? Or burn boats, carry bridges? 

---

Ps. On a serious note,

Alex Dobrenko`

has shown me I can explore deep and difficult ideas with lightness and fun and joy. He’s freed me up to be more myself because he is so himself. Thank you, Alex.

Pps. On a more serious note, you should totally not hire him to help you grow as a writer and I definitely give Alex no credit for my writing improving since working with him and also enjoying it more and liking myself a little more too.

---

Thank you so much for reading.

This is so far from anything I’ve ever written. It caused a lot of anxiety and I was close to scrapping it. But I didn’t.

I like that I’m showing the silly side of me that all my friends know.

BIG thank you

Elle Griffin

,

John Bruce Laing

,

Jack Dixon

,

Beulah Toth

,

Andriy Kulak

, Nicolas Marescaux and especially

CansaFis Foote

for being implicated in this piece with me.

My essays are entirely funded by patrons. If you value my work and want to support it (and get some exclusive content), the best way is by taking out a paid subscription.

If you enjoyed this piece but are not ready to become a patron, you can Buy Me A Coffee. If you wish.

Share it with a LinkedIn connection who would enjoy it: