Thanks for sharing your so deeply honest and personal thoughts and reflections as you move through life. It always helps me change or sharpen my thinking.
I agree with the overall sentiment of this essay. It's a really important message to be heard in our world that is, in many corners, becoming increasingly about quick hits and easy fixes. Commitment does make something special. This is obvious within ourselves: the fit person prides themselves on their body, the gardener prides themselves on their plants, the chef prides themselves on their food. Because of their commitment to those things, they eventually created something great. It was hard at moments but it became part of their identity. It is their rose.
Yet externally, we're really good at detaching and walking away from jobs, cities, and people. This line really resonated and drove home the reason why: "It’s even easier to think that any need for effort is a sign you chose wrong." We convince ourselves that if it's not a slice of cake, we made the wrong choice. But wasn't it hard when we started to get fit? Or killed all the plants in our first garden? Or set the smoke alarms off the first time we cooked?
The caveat I would add here is that although commitment makes something special, there are still good and bad choices. There is no perfect choice. But there are lots of bad ones. It takes knowing yourself to make the right commitment and then, once you have, the self-awareness to work on improving issues rather than walking away.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment Jack - seriously appreciate you reading & the time you took to share your thoughts.
You’re totally right.
A caveat I cut out of this essay (deciding it could just be assumed) is that before any commitment, there’s a required period of experimentation. Definitely when you commit, the pressure to choose is higher and you don’t want to get it wrong.
Perhaps part of the reason I didn’t mention it was because the problem I observe in our times is with committing. We’re all bathing in novelty, collecting experiences like PEZ dispensers, and people talk down on commitment or avoid it, like it’s a prison cell.
Thanks again for the well written note. Love it (:
Amen, brother. I've learned this lesson more and more as I've gotten older. A great quote I've heard from a few sources over the years sums it up well - "the grass is greener where you water it". I've been trying to remember that more lately. Excellent essay, Tommy!
The value of commitment has been one of the biggest lessons I've learned this year, mostly through feeling the cost of not committing to things. Like many of life's deepest lessons, perhaps it can only be learned through experience.
I love that little aphorism. Will save it to my notes. Thank you for sharing!
LOVED this one, Tommy! So simple, so wise, so true.
I’ve often heard that the “right thing” should feel easy, that you’ll stumble upon something and just *know*. And although I find some truth in that too, this reminded me that great things are built, they take effort, commitment, patience, love, care.
Loved the rose anecdote as well. You’re a great writer!
Carina! Thanks so much. Means a lot coming from you (:
I definitely struggle with this one too. Where to land on “you’ll know when it’s right” vs “commit and make it right”.
Then I read something from Ava and Sasha Chapin about how often the best relationships start at a 7/10 on first meeting but people are interested enough not to give up. That I haven’t figured out at all.
I suppose - as with most things - it’s a balance of both.
Yes, exactly. It’s a tricky thing to navigate. Definitely a balance between the two.
The 7/10 thing sounds very interesting though. Most things aren’t perfect right from the start. But in order for you to want to commit, it needs to be in the higher regions of the scale.
So maybe that’s a good conclusion: if it’s at least a 7/10, commit and make it a 10/10. Not sure I’ll actually follow through on that, but good to keep in mind either way hahah.
“Previously, my friend Ava had said to me: “It sounds like you typically look for a connection that starts at a 10/10. Maybe what you want is something that starts at a 7/10.” I didn’t like hearing this. But it makes a ton of sense. When you are love-drunk you are also drunk-drunk. You’re not really seeing the person, you’re seeing your own phosphorescence. That can turn out quite well, but it’s a tricky landing. With Cate, I don’t feel like “7/10” is the right way to describe the initial connection. There was intensity. But it wasn’t fluid, it wasn’t this romcom thing. We had to make the momentum ourselves.”
I tried to find the exact quote but couldn’t. But it’s basically along the lines of: what can be an amazing & deep relationship may not be obvious right from the start. It may be awkward and you may be unsure. But with time it improves exponentially and you realize they’ve the one. Of course this wouldn’t happen in all cases.
Related note: but I still think about the essay you wrote on your home that’s been passed down through the generations and that’s just so cool. The memories and belonging that accumulate from that type of commitment.
Something I’m aspiring to. Build a home that could be passed down through generations. If not a home, definitely a library.
I think the word here was not commitment as much as understanding the value of the freedom brought by boundaries. Because purely commitment is also something that can be preemptive. I know of people Who are commited in their mind to a version of how they want things to be and Then it is all about projecting that version onto reality Which keeps them contrary feedback they refuse to see or take or haven't been educated to identity it. I have unlearned that sort of a preemptive spirit killing commitment to one thing. It is a Conversation about having a Conversation With oneself about the value of nicely fine tuned boundaries Which allow us to inhabit the World intimately. So the problem to my mind is the problem of easy access availability and distraction and how that enables us to not do the difficult work of good boundaries. Of stopping somewhere and slowing down.
Loved the message here! I'm someone who often thinks about trying new cities, jobs, etc and this essay has made me reevaluate that. I think trying things is great but there is a difference between trying to find something and creating something and you clarified that idea for me in this essay. Thank you for sharing! Looking froward to reading more of your writing!
This was a pleasure to read. It’s refreshing and wonderful to hear a young man speak in such a mature, thoughtful way about commitment. You’re gifted not just with words but, it seems, also with embracing what’s important in life.
It’s wild how much this resonates. We’re so conditioned to believe the perfect life is just out there somewhere, waiting for us to stumble upon it. But this essay hits the truth. The magic isn't in finding something perfect, t’s in choosing it, showing up for it, and putting in the effort every day. I love how you used the story of the little prince and his rose to illustrate that. It’s such a simple, timeless reminder that commitment isn’t about discovering something flawless but about investing love and care until it becomes irreplaceable. The part about temporary living really hit home too. It’s so easy to live life like we’re just passing through, keeping our bags half-packed, thinking the ‘real thing’ is still ahead. But maybe it’s the act of unpacking, of deciding to stay and engage with the imperfections, that makes life feel real. Thanks for writing this, it’s the kind of perspective shifte that lingers long after you’ve read it :)
Thank you Sanvaad :) appreciate you reading and such a beautiful reflection here.
This was beautiful: "commitment isn’t about discovering something flawless but about investing love and care until it becomes irreplaceable" and I think is the core of the essay, an idea I've seen become interwoven in different non-obvious parts of life, outside relationships or work.
This resonates a lot with my own experience here. From my own writing a few weeks ago:
"In an apathetic world, full of short-termism and an addiction to the slow drip of incentives, the treasured virtue is commitment.
We are surrounded by conditional people, who need to “be engaged” or receive the whip of stimulation to get moving. They wait, until the move is obvious and success certain.
But we unlock the best in life when we become committed, even in the face of uncertainty."
Tommy - what the hell. Reading this felt like you coalesced everything that had been lingering as fragments in my mind. A recent returner from a long sojourn across the globe, I feel this piece a lot. Thank you. Restacking and subscribing coz that was epic.
Wonderfully put. The simplest example of committing before you're ready I could give is when I started my Substack. I wanted it to be perfect before I gave my first post. The sections had to be in order, the colours in contrast, the welcome email pristine. But after pushing and pulling the launch date, I just simply began to write. No email, no colours, no sections. I built my newsletter as I began to write, and it was this commitment before I was ready that ultimately got me to where I am today.
This essay was very wise and well stated. To commit, you need some conformation bias that your rose, your spouse, your home is the one worth committing to above any other. Otherwise, as you write, you 'll be like Buridan's Donkey, hungry and thirsty but stuck at equal distance between food and water, unwilling to commit to one or the other and so dies of indecision.
Confirmation bias is not always bad. Thanks for making me think!
Ah that’s so good David. Burdian’s donkey is a great fable for this idea - missing out on the depth of choosing by refusing to choose, delaying, waiting for the perfect time to come around.
Appreciate you reading & the thoughtful note (: means a lot
Thank you for sharing this insight. It has taken me some time to realize this same point, and I'm still working on it. I have heard a lot of stories of people I am close to trying to find the thing they were meant to do, or the person they were meant to meet, or the perfect fitting job for them. But the more I have traveled and talked to people, and through my own experiences, we make the perfect settings for us. The act in itself of doing something with passion and focus is what makes it perfect.
I completely agree. It’s a weird balance. Because there are stories of finding “the right thing” and committing too early or to the wrong thing will definitely be trouble. But I find with myself, and others I know, fear of commitment is more the problem than committing to the wrong thing.
Your article popped up in the exact right moment. After wandering through Latin America for 2.5 years, I've started feeling the weight of not planting roots anywhere. The thrill of new places has begun to fade, turning into a blur of similar experiences. It’s a wake-up call I didn’t expect—realizing that ‘home’ isn’t found, but made.
Your words felt like a personal message, highlighting a truth I’ve been slowly coming to terms with: we build our sense of home through the choices we make.
This was such a special comment to read Danique. Thank you for taking the time.
I'm so happy this found you at the right time. It's funny how that works sometimes, when we find the exact message we need to hear. Mysterious & lovely.
I've been wandering as well. It feels like since I hopped off the finance career conveyor belt 3 years ago. Travelling a lot. Not really having a felt sense of home. Perhaps we need these experiences to learn the true value of home, of commitment, of roots.
I loved: "we build our sense of home through the choices we make." So true.
Wishing you all the best & hope we can keep in touch (:
The world can be such a mysterious place! I love these kind of moments 🙂 Looking back, I see how stepping away from all the usual stuff - like where we’re from, our circle of friends, family, the traditions we grew up with, and even the language we use - has really let me dive deep into who I am at my core. It’s like when all the stuff we’re used to is peeled away, all that’s left is the real us.
In other words, moving away from everything that’s shaped us makes it easier to let our true selves come out.
Once we find that part of us, it just feels right to share it with something or someone important, whether that’s going back to our roots, reconnecting with family, or with a partner.
I wish you all the best and we'll definitely stay in touch!
Thanks for sharing your so deeply honest and personal thoughts and reflections as you move through life. It always helps me change or sharpen my thinking.
I agree with the overall sentiment of this essay. It's a really important message to be heard in our world that is, in many corners, becoming increasingly about quick hits and easy fixes. Commitment does make something special. This is obvious within ourselves: the fit person prides themselves on their body, the gardener prides themselves on their plants, the chef prides themselves on their food. Because of their commitment to those things, they eventually created something great. It was hard at moments but it became part of their identity. It is their rose.
Yet externally, we're really good at detaching and walking away from jobs, cities, and people. This line really resonated and drove home the reason why: "It’s even easier to think that any need for effort is a sign you chose wrong." We convince ourselves that if it's not a slice of cake, we made the wrong choice. But wasn't it hard when we started to get fit? Or killed all the plants in our first garden? Or set the smoke alarms off the first time we cooked?
The caveat I would add here is that although commitment makes something special, there are still good and bad choices. There is no perfect choice. But there are lots of bad ones. It takes knowing yourself to make the right commitment and then, once you have, the self-awareness to work on improving issues rather than walking away.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment Jack - seriously appreciate you reading & the time you took to share your thoughts.
You’re totally right.
A caveat I cut out of this essay (deciding it could just be assumed) is that before any commitment, there’s a required period of experimentation. Definitely when you commit, the pressure to choose is higher and you don’t want to get it wrong.
Perhaps part of the reason I didn’t mention it was because the problem I observe in our times is with committing. We’re all bathing in novelty, collecting experiences like PEZ dispensers, and people talk down on commitment or avoid it, like it’s a prison cell.
Thanks again for the well written note. Love it (:
Amen, brother. I've learned this lesson more and more as I've gotten older. A great quote I've heard from a few sources over the years sums it up well - "the grass is greener where you water it". I've been trying to remember that more lately. Excellent essay, Tommy!
Thanks Bennett! It's great to hear from you.
The value of commitment has been one of the biggest lessons I've learned this year, mostly through feeling the cost of not committing to things. Like many of life's deepest lessons, perhaps it can only be learned through experience.
I love that little aphorism. Will save it to my notes. Thank you for sharing!
Of course Tommy, it's a good one! Some of the best lessons we just have to learn over time.
LOVED this one, Tommy! So simple, so wise, so true.
I’ve often heard that the “right thing” should feel easy, that you’ll stumble upon something and just *know*. And although I find some truth in that too, this reminded me that great things are built, they take effort, commitment, patience, love, care.
Loved the rose anecdote as well. You’re a great writer!
Carina! Thanks so much. Means a lot coming from you (:
I definitely struggle with this one too. Where to land on “you’ll know when it’s right” vs “commit and make it right”.
Then I read something from Ava and Sasha Chapin about how often the best relationships start at a 7/10 on first meeting but people are interested enough not to give up. That I haven’t figured out at all.
I suppose - as with most things - it’s a balance of both.
Appreciate the kind words!
Yes, exactly. It’s a tricky thing to navigate. Definitely a balance between the two.
The 7/10 thing sounds very interesting though. Most things aren’t perfect right from the start. But in order for you to want to commit, it needs to be in the higher regions of the scale.
So maybe that’s a good conclusion: if it’s at least a 7/10, commit and make it a 10/10. Not sure I’ll actually follow through on that, but good to keep in mind either way hahah.
Ah here it is:
“Previously, my friend Ava had said to me: “It sounds like you typically look for a connection that starts at a 10/10. Maybe what you want is something that starts at a 7/10.” I didn’t like hearing this. But it makes a ton of sense. When you are love-drunk you are also drunk-drunk. You’re not really seeing the person, you’re seeing your own phosphorescence. That can turn out quite well, but it’s a tricky landing. With Cate, I don’t feel like “7/10” is the right way to describe the initial connection. There was intensity. But it wasn’t fluid, it wasn’t this romcom thing. We had to make the momentum ourselves.”
https://sashachapin.substack.com/p/getting-married-soon
I tried to find the exact quote but couldn’t. But it’s basically along the lines of: what can be an amazing & deep relationship may not be obvious right from the start. It may be awkward and you may be unsure. But with time it improves exponentially and you realize they’ve the one. Of course this wouldn’t happen in all cases.
Related note: but I still think about the essay you wrote on your home that’s been passed down through the generations and that’s just so cool. The memories and belonging that accumulate from that type of commitment.
Something I’m aspiring to. Build a home that could be passed down through generations. If not a home, definitely a library.
Ah right, that’s great. Thank you so much for finding the exact quote and link below, will be reading through the piece later.
Glad to hear that! And yeah, very true. That’s definitely layer upon layer of commitment. Gives it depth.
Love the thought of passing down a library!!
Again, clean, concise, clear, intentional writing which delivers its message. Good job!
Thanks BB! Struggled getting this piece out especially so really appreciate the kind words & glad it resonated.
On pieces I struggle with I’m learning to keep them short. Avoids too much scope creep & forces me to keep it simple.
Hope you have a lovely weekend (:
This is an interesting perspective. I can’t help but agree
Appreciate you reading :)
I think the word here was not commitment as much as understanding the value of the freedom brought by boundaries. Because purely commitment is also something that can be preemptive. I know of people Who are commited in their mind to a version of how they want things to be and Then it is all about projecting that version onto reality Which keeps them contrary feedback they refuse to see or take or haven't been educated to identity it. I have unlearned that sort of a preemptive spirit killing commitment to one thing. It is a Conversation about having a Conversation With oneself about the value of nicely fine tuned boundaries Which allow us to inhabit the World intimately. So the problem to my mind is the problem of easy access availability and distraction and how that enables us to not do the difficult work of good boundaries. Of stopping somewhere and slowing down.
I think that's a beautiful way of putting it Niharika. "The difficult work of good boundaries."
Loved the message here! I'm someone who often thinks about trying new cities, jobs, etc and this essay has made me reevaluate that. I think trying things is great but there is a difference between trying to find something and creating something and you clarified that idea for me in this essay. Thank you for sharing! Looking froward to reading more of your writing!
Thanks Kenya - appreciate you reading and the kind note (:
Tommy,
This was a pleasure to read. It’s refreshing and wonderful to hear a young man speak in such a mature, thoughtful way about commitment. You’re gifted not just with words but, it seems, also with embracing what’s important in life.
Enjoy your adventures.
Kathy, this was so nice to see. Thank you for taking the time to read my work and leave such a kind note. I'm very happy to hear it resonated.
Commitment certainly seems to be an important cornerstone of a good life, but still lots to learn.
Thank you again. Keep well & keep in touch (:
It’s wild how much this resonates. We’re so conditioned to believe the perfect life is just out there somewhere, waiting for us to stumble upon it. But this essay hits the truth. The magic isn't in finding something perfect, t’s in choosing it, showing up for it, and putting in the effort every day. I love how you used the story of the little prince and his rose to illustrate that. It’s such a simple, timeless reminder that commitment isn’t about discovering something flawless but about investing love and care until it becomes irreplaceable. The part about temporary living really hit home too. It’s so easy to live life like we’re just passing through, keeping our bags half-packed, thinking the ‘real thing’ is still ahead. But maybe it’s the act of unpacking, of deciding to stay and engage with the imperfections, that makes life feel real. Thanks for writing this, it’s the kind of perspective shifte that lingers long after you’ve read it :)
Thank you Sanvaad :) appreciate you reading and such a beautiful reflection here.
This was beautiful: "commitment isn’t about discovering something flawless but about investing love and care until it becomes irreplaceable" and I think is the core of the essay, an idea I've seen become interwoven in different non-obvious parts of life, outside relationships or work.
I like your perspective that love is a state crafted through commitment. Something that is built and not found.
This resonates a lot with my own experience here. From my own writing a few weeks ago:
"In an apathetic world, full of short-termism and an addiction to the slow drip of incentives, the treasured virtue is commitment.
We are surrounded by conditional people, who need to “be engaged” or receive the whip of stimulation to get moving. They wait, until the move is obvious and success certain.
But we unlock the best in life when we become committed, even in the face of uncertainty."
https://newsletter.thewayofwork.com/committed
Love that excerpt Rick! Appreciate you reading & sharing your insight here. Love it (:
Tommy - what the hell. Reading this felt like you coalesced everything that had been lingering as fragments in my mind. A recent returner from a long sojourn across the globe, I feel this piece a lot. Thank you. Restacking and subscribing coz that was epic.
Ha this brought a big smile to my face Ned. Thank you for reading & sharing the kind words.
I hope your return from your travels has been smooth & your weekend has been lovely (:
Wonderfully put. The simplest example of committing before you're ready I could give is when I started my Substack. I wanted it to be perfect before I gave my first post. The sections had to be in order, the colours in contrast, the welcome email pristine. But after pushing and pulling the launch date, I just simply began to write. No email, no colours, no sections. I built my newsletter as I began to write, and it was this commitment before I was ready that ultimately got me to where I am today.
That’s an awesome example. And what Substack is so good at - letting writers just focus on what they do best: writing.
I also got super hung up on the layout and design and banners - but found the only thing that really matters is quality writing.
Thank you for the note (: appreciate you reading
This essay was very wise and well stated. To commit, you need some conformation bias that your rose, your spouse, your home is the one worth committing to above any other. Otherwise, as you write, you 'll be like Buridan's Donkey, hungry and thirsty but stuck at equal distance between food and water, unwilling to commit to one or the other and so dies of indecision.
Confirmation bias is not always bad. Thanks for making me think!
Ah that’s so good David. Burdian’s donkey is a great fable for this idea - missing out on the depth of choosing by refusing to choose, delaying, waiting for the perfect time to come around.
Appreciate you reading & the thoughtful note (: means a lot
Thank you for sharing this insight. It has taken me some time to realize this same point, and I'm still working on it. I have heard a lot of stories of people I am close to trying to find the thing they were meant to do, or the person they were meant to meet, or the perfect fitting job for them. But the more I have traveled and talked to people, and through my own experiences, we make the perfect settings for us. The act in itself of doing something with passion and focus is what makes it perfect.
Jacob! Thanks for reading & the thoughtful note.
I completely agree. It’s a weird balance. Because there are stories of finding “the right thing” and committing too early or to the wrong thing will definitely be trouble. But I find with myself, and others I know, fear of commitment is more the problem than committing to the wrong thing.
Thanks again! Means a lot (:
Your article popped up in the exact right moment. After wandering through Latin America for 2.5 years, I've started feeling the weight of not planting roots anywhere. The thrill of new places has begun to fade, turning into a blur of similar experiences. It’s a wake-up call I didn’t expect—realizing that ‘home’ isn’t found, but made.
Your words felt like a personal message, highlighting a truth I’ve been slowly coming to terms with: we build our sense of home through the choices we make.
Thank you 🙏
This was such a special comment to read Danique. Thank you for taking the time.
I'm so happy this found you at the right time. It's funny how that works sometimes, when we find the exact message we need to hear. Mysterious & lovely.
I've been wandering as well. It feels like since I hopped off the finance career conveyor belt 3 years ago. Travelling a lot. Not really having a felt sense of home. Perhaps we need these experiences to learn the true value of home, of commitment, of roots.
I loved: "we build our sense of home through the choices we make." So true.
Wishing you all the best & hope we can keep in touch (:
The world can be such a mysterious place! I love these kind of moments 🙂 Looking back, I see how stepping away from all the usual stuff - like where we’re from, our circle of friends, family, the traditions we grew up with, and even the language we use - has really let me dive deep into who I am at my core. It’s like when all the stuff we’re used to is peeled away, all that’s left is the real us.
In other words, moving away from everything that’s shaped us makes it easier to let our true selves come out.
Once we find that part of us, it just feels right to share it with something or someone important, whether that’s going back to our roots, reconnecting with family, or with a partner.
I wish you all the best and we'll definitely stay in touch!