The Illusion of Writing

why i don't trust words

Portrait of Erasmus of Rotterdam Writing by Hans Holbein the Younger

When I read self-help or life improvement type stuff, I tend to walk away feeling crummy about myself.

If I’m not as confident or advanced or enlightened as the writer seems to be—if I haven't attained unconditional self love, or haven’t developed complete self-trust, or don't meditate an hour every day—I feel a bit behind. Deficient. 

Their words are an ear-ringing reminder of my shortcomings, of the things I need to work on, of the areas I have to grow in but haven't or (worse!) areas I didn't even know I needed to grow in.

I tend to assume writing about something and being good at something are the same thing. But, I’ve learned sounding enlightened and being enlightened are entirely different.

Odds are, the writer hasn’t integrated, internalized, or actualized the idea they’re sharing. Odds are, they struggle with it. 

I'm generally blind to my strengths. I'm much more aware (hence interested in writing about) my weaknesses. My essays are mirrors of my faults and flaws. I wrote about the dangers of feeling I deserve things because I’ve been bitter after the life paths I planned and felt I earned were cut off. After hitting publish, it’s not like that feeling just evaporates. 

Writing is my vehicle to explore solutions but it's not a final solution in itself.

I assume the same is true for most writers.

As my friend Rebecca noted, “Although us writers craft beautiful words, we're often just figuring out as we go. We just sound very eloquent in doing so.”

If I actually practiced everything I preached I'd practically be a saint by now. But I don't. I still struggle. I struggle to convince myself of the conclusions I come to, I struggle to implement the ideas I know to be true, I struggle to live up to the ideals I value.

There are highs and lows, ebbs and flows. I stumble off my path, then find my way back. I have to continually get out of my own way, then come back to the person I want to be. For example, I had a strong routine in June and early July, but with travel and life stuff recently it’s been an inconsistent mess. I went from meditating 30 minutes a day to 30 minutes a week (¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ).

Words are static, but life is dynamic. Writers change their minds and stop habits they once praised. 

Some of the first posts I wrote contain ideas I no longer subscribe to (like having a productivity system). Tim Ferriss, Oliver Burkeman, and Nat Eliason wrote religiously about productivity hacks until they realized being more productive doesn’t make your life better and it's often a symptom of deeper dissatisfaction. 

Nat Eliason admits: 

I used to be a hardcore productivity nerd, but I’ve abandoned most of it and don’t miss it… As someone who has written many times about productivity, I can guarantee you that most people do not religiously adhere to 90% of the prescriptions they shout into the void.

Back in my finance bro days, I read a blog post about how life-changing it is to keep a comprehensive Excel sheet to track all your calls. In a FOMO-induced craze, I followed the advice. Until, a few weeks later, the writer told me they stopped because it was “super unhealthy”. 

This year, I've been able to meet several writers who I had planted on my mental pedestal and I realized the craziest thing: they're human. 

I was at a dinner with a self-help-type writer who has amassed thousands of followers. She writes a ton on decision-making but when the waiter took her order, she asked for more time. "I'm terrible at making decisions," chuckling nervously.

One of my favorite writers encourages people to meditate and has been to several silent retreats. Reading their essays I was like “damn I need to meditate more”. Then, in conversation, they mentioned their meditation practice has been inconsistent, and in some of the retreats they took it easy and shortened the sessions. 

Writers are people and people are imperfect. People fail to stick with the things they commit to. People can say one thing and turn around to do the opposite. People don't always do the things they tell you to do themselves.

As Vivid Void tweets every night: You are not inferior to anyone.

So I guess what I’m saying is that if you’re reading writing that makes you feel crummy or copying advice that feels unintuitive, maybe stop.

There's something comforting that life's deepest lessons can only be learned through experience. That we just have to be patient enough to live the answers. That we don't need what's in other people's heads, we just need to connect with what's in our own.

As my friend Kasra writes, consuming the ideas of others is like a sweet dessert. Delightfully tasty and enjoyable when consumed from a content, relaxed, grounded state of mind. But has the potential to induce an insatiable craving (feeling of not being enough) when treated carelessly.

I love books more than anything but I realized on my backcountry hiking trip in May I could never read another book and live a perfectly happy and content life. (Not saying I will…)

But since reading is a nice-to-have, not a need-to-have, I'm starting to judge writing on how it makes me feel. Comforted, consoled, calm or anxious, insufficient, restless? It’s partially why I’ve prioritized old, physical books. They reliably give me the most emotionally enjoyable reading experience.

At the Rabbit-hole-athon retreat last weekend, people asked me what I write about. As I fumbled my words, I realized my writing doesn’t revolve around a theme but an emotion: honesty. I want my writing to be honest. To be a warm hug. To be a reminder that we're all human, and no one has it all figured out.

Perhaps we crave perfect people. Perhaps I’d have a bigger following if I pretended my life was perfect and I was continually blossoming into some higher being. But it wouldn’t be honest. 

In the end, I know life isn't a puzzle to figure out but an artwork to wonder at.

And if you’re ever feeling behind and unsure and uncertain about yourself, you can email me and I’ll tell you precisely how behind and unsure and uncertain I feel and we can be behind and unsure and uncertain together.

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Thank you Becky Isjwara , Tangent, and Sadia for your thoughtful feedback on this one.