Recently I’ve noticed that whenever I get mad at someone, like REALLY mad, I immediately get mad at myself, whether it’s because I realize how much I suck, or simply because I’ve stooped to blame. It’s that flip you mentioned of superiority to self-loathing. Then I suppose I call that self-awareness growth and give myself a pat on the back lol. This shit’s hard. Thanks for so eloquently writing it down.
That shit is hard Charlie. You’re so right on anger - and to add on, I find if I look long enough, my anger is really fear. Fear is at the core. Of being abandoned, or being unloveable or being alone etc.
Thank you for reading (: always brings a big smile to my face to have you here
Tommy - so thought provoking. I find my ego likes comparisons. And the word “better” embodies comparison.
I love your set up: “That I'm better than I was.”
I feel that “I’m growing” vs I’m better” is reflective of, and embodies, so much of what you wrote about awareness and the razors edge.
Doing the extra dishes, providing feedback on essays, embodies service, not for the egos sake, but for the soul’s sake. And when we’re feeding our soul (and heart) we’re growing.
Thank you for feeding my soul along with so many others.
The ego loves comparisons, James. Sometimes feeling better than others, but mostly feeling worse - to push me to work harder, do more.
It’s a strange balance. To want to get better, know I can be better, but trying not to let any improvement get to my head, inflate my sense of worth - if that makes any sense. To stay humble and small and kind.
As always, you being here as a friend on the path, means the world
I think a lot about how ego driven I can be, and I get really scared about that. Probably because there is judgement, taboo (however you want to call it) around the "ego" conversation. We all want to be deconstructed and free of judgement to the eyes of others. The ego is also a part of who we are, I think the it's about finding the balance, letting the soul speak before the ego does. Being self aware can be a blessing and a curse if we intellectualize what we feel all the time. Loved reading you. Xx
I get scared about it too, Sabrina. It's funny how I want to have no ego in the eyes of others, but that very need seems to be a projection of my ego (ego-ception?)
I think the key isn't consciously not having one, maybe, but forgetting about myself entirely
Thank you for reading & the thoughtful note (: love it
Tommy, this was a beautiful if haunting reflection on your own ego and your self. I’ve lived so much of this. One of my teachers constantly says I need to deal with the view of myself as a good person/father/husband. It’s helped me a lot to look humbly at those stories to try and find my ego in them. The closer I look, the more elusive it is. Until I’m starting to realize my ego is merely the desire to be something different, and I’m at peace when I do things without that desire for difference.
The real part I struggle with is how to teach my children that same lesson.
I think that’s exactly it Latham - the story I tell myself about how good or bad of a person I am. Almost that dependence, on needing to be seen as a good person by others, to know it myself.
I love that connection between the ego and uniqueness - especially opting to go off the traditional path, my ego feels like it needs to compensate for my fear.
So lovely to hear your thoughts here Latham. Thank you, really, for reading and the insightful reflection.
Great post. Self- awareness, kindness and really tying to be more empathetic has been my cornerstone lately. It for sure is a balancing act. Enjoyed your photos too. Thanks for sharing this with us.
For chrissake Tommy please keep writing, you have a gift. (Sorry for feeding your ego). Does it all make sense? If your words influence one random person as myself for the better, I believe it does.
Hahaha thank you - that was always what pulled me back to writing when it got hard, the fact that my words can make a difference, even with one person, then it’s worth it
The narrow gate you mentioned about is the "Siraat-al-Mustaqeem" in Islam. It means The Straight Path. We ask Allah to guide our decisions to be near to this subtle straight path in every cycle of our prayer.
This is a great thoughtful piece. I think this is something us “strivers” all deal with. Are we getting better? Where does all this introspection lead to? I think it leads to becoming fully human. The fact that people want to be “good” and perhaps without “sin” , do you think that means that a part of them thinks they’re not good and full of sin. Do you think that wanting to be good or better means that somewhere deep down you think something about you needs to be fixed? I’m probably projecting but I think about that about my own self. And I hope that all the work that I do on my self leads to me seeing nothing needs improving or fixing, and once I truly see that and believe that, I will see it in others and can work on helping others see that about themselves too. I don’t know I just wrote that off the top of my head. Maybe that’s way off base. I was doing well staying off my phone for about a week, but this week I’ve been on it a lot. It seems better to be off it. Thanks for this piece of writing. I do agree the ego can be an enemy. Have a great week.
Ah I love so much of this J - not off base at all. Definitely the idea of needing to be better, implies some part is broken, or needs improvement. There’s the Christian idea of original sin - that we’re all fallen creatures because we fail the litmus test - of loving each other, treating others as we would like to be treated.
I love introspection but I also don’t trust it. Too much thinking is certainly a bad thing. Life really only asks to be lived.
So good to hear from you and thank you for sharing your thoughts here J. Love it (:
Tommy, I am handwriting most of this article down into my journal right now. This helped me today, and today I needed to read exactly this post . Thanks, I will be revisiting this from time to time for the clarity I felt on reading your words.
Ah that makes me so happy to hear Fathima (: really - glad it was helpful. Reading words like yours remind me why I write, and the beauty of creativity.
I think there is a cycle of success, where after experiencing it, people disconnect from the sources of their creativity and become blind - their egos slowly and subtly taking over.
Good on you for reflecting and taking time away after your last piece. I didn't even realize it was so wide read.
I think that’s exactly right Azark. Success eats itself. Undermines its own source. More and more I’m so impressed by people who can sustain it over the long term. That’s what really counts in the end - showing up, staying consistent, making an effort. Over the long haul.
Recently I’ve noticed that whenever I get mad at someone, like REALLY mad, I immediately get mad at myself, whether it’s because I realize how much I suck, or simply because I’ve stooped to blame. It’s that flip you mentioned of superiority to self-loathing. Then I suppose I call that self-awareness growth and give myself a pat on the back lol. This shit’s hard. Thanks for so eloquently writing it down.
That shit is hard Charlie. You’re so right on anger - and to add on, I find if I look long enough, my anger is really fear. Fear is at the core. Of being abandoned, or being unloveable or being alone etc.
Thank you for reading (: always brings a big smile to my face to have you here
100% it’s fear!
Love to be here :)
Tommy - so thought provoking. I find my ego likes comparisons. And the word “better” embodies comparison.
I love your set up: “That I'm better than I was.”
I feel that “I’m growing” vs I’m better” is reflective of, and embodies, so much of what you wrote about awareness and the razors edge.
Doing the extra dishes, providing feedback on essays, embodies service, not for the egos sake, but for the soul’s sake. And when we’re feeding our soul (and heart) we’re growing.
Thank you for feeding my soul along with so many others.
The ego loves comparisons, James. Sometimes feeling better than others, but mostly feeling worse - to push me to work harder, do more.
It’s a strange balance. To want to get better, know I can be better, but trying not to let any improvement get to my head, inflate my sense of worth - if that makes any sense. To stay humble and small and kind.
As always, you being here as a friend on the path, means the world
I think a lot about how ego driven I can be, and I get really scared about that. Probably because there is judgement, taboo (however you want to call it) around the "ego" conversation. We all want to be deconstructed and free of judgement to the eyes of others. The ego is also a part of who we are, I think the it's about finding the balance, letting the soul speak before the ego does. Being self aware can be a blessing and a curse if we intellectualize what we feel all the time. Loved reading you. Xx
I get scared about it too, Sabrina. It's funny how I want to have no ego in the eyes of others, but that very need seems to be a projection of my ego (ego-ception?)
I think the key isn't consciously not having one, maybe, but forgetting about myself entirely
Thank you for reading & the thoughtful note (: love it
Tommy, this was a beautiful if haunting reflection on your own ego and your self. I’ve lived so much of this. One of my teachers constantly says I need to deal with the view of myself as a good person/father/husband. It’s helped me a lot to look humbly at those stories to try and find my ego in them. The closer I look, the more elusive it is. Until I’m starting to realize my ego is merely the desire to be something different, and I’m at peace when I do things without that desire for difference.
The real part I struggle with is how to teach my children that same lesson.
I think that’s exactly it Latham - the story I tell myself about how good or bad of a person I am. Almost that dependence, on needing to be seen as a good person by others, to know it myself.
I love that connection between the ego and uniqueness - especially opting to go off the traditional path, my ego feels like it needs to compensate for my fear.
So lovely to hear your thoughts here Latham. Thank you, really, for reading and the insightful reflection.
Great post. Self- awareness, kindness and really tying to be more empathetic has been my cornerstone lately. It for sure is a balancing act. Enjoyed your photos too. Thanks for sharing this with us.
I concur on all you say, and just want to add that I commend you on the construction your living quarters, as sown in amongst some beautiful snaps.
Thanks for sharing such wonderful insights. And your honesty. Well done . 👏✍️
Ah I love that Monica - appreciate you reading and taking the time to leave a few kind words. Means a lot (:
For chrissake Tommy please keep writing, you have a gift. (Sorry for feeding your ego). Does it all make sense? If your words influence one random person as myself for the better, I believe it does.
Hahaha thank you - that was always what pulled me back to writing when it got hard, the fact that my words can make a difference, even with one person, then it’s worth it
Super appreciate you reading & the kind words (:
Loved this read
Thank you my friend (:
I think there is great clarity here, a clarity born of painful introspection. Thanks, this helped me understand myself better too.
Thank you Jaden (: appreciate you reading & so happy you enjoyed it
Great wisdom, I think, comes from great pain
The narrow gate you mentioned about is the "Siraat-al-Mustaqeem" in Islam. It means The Straight Path. We ask Allah to guide our decisions to be near to this subtle straight path in every cycle of our prayer.
By the way, very good analysis of the ego.
Ah that’s so good. I love the intersections, the overlap between the world’s religions - far more interesting than the differences.
Appreciate you reading & sharing (:
...technology: a review...i wouldn't know you without it...i totally don't want it in my life...ah paradox and tiny plugs...
Haha I’m trying to decode this but might be a bit above me pay grade.
Definitely a love hate with technology. Detaching feels unrealistic but being immersed in it, feels not like real life… strange
This is a great thoughtful piece. I think this is something us “strivers” all deal with. Are we getting better? Where does all this introspection lead to? I think it leads to becoming fully human. The fact that people want to be “good” and perhaps without “sin” , do you think that means that a part of them thinks they’re not good and full of sin. Do you think that wanting to be good or better means that somewhere deep down you think something about you needs to be fixed? I’m probably projecting but I think about that about my own self. And I hope that all the work that I do on my self leads to me seeing nothing needs improving or fixing, and once I truly see that and believe that, I will see it in others and can work on helping others see that about themselves too. I don’t know I just wrote that off the top of my head. Maybe that’s way off base. I was doing well staying off my phone for about a week, but this week I’ve been on it a lot. It seems better to be off it. Thanks for this piece of writing. I do agree the ego can be an enemy. Have a great week.
Ah I love so much of this J - not off base at all. Definitely the idea of needing to be better, implies some part is broken, or needs improvement. There’s the Christian idea of original sin - that we’re all fallen creatures because we fail the litmus test - of loving each other, treating others as we would like to be treated.
I love introspection but I also don’t trust it. Too much thinking is certainly a bad thing. Life really only asks to be lived.
So good to hear from you and thank you for sharing your thoughts here J. Love it (:
Tommy, I am handwriting most of this article down into my journal right now. This helped me today, and today I needed to read exactly this post . Thanks, I will be revisiting this from time to time for the clarity I felt on reading your words.
Ah that makes me so happy to hear Fathima (: really - glad it was helpful. Reading words like yours remind me why I write, and the beauty of creativity.
Hope your week is awesome
Thank you Tommy. Pls write more on this theme. Would love to read.
Thank you Tommy. Pls write more on this theme. Would love to read.
I think there is a cycle of success, where after experiencing it, people disconnect from the sources of their creativity and become blind - their egos slowly and subtly taking over.
Good on you for reflecting and taking time away after your last piece. I didn't even realize it was so wide read.
Keep fighting the good fight
I think that’s exactly right Azark. Success eats itself. Undermines its own source. More and more I’m so impressed by people who can sustain it over the long term. That’s what really counts in the end - showing up, staying consistent, making an effort. Over the long haul.
Appreciate you being here (:
Romans 7 was Paul's very post of the same subject!
I did not read pass the title before I hit the like button as it is so very true! Simple Truth indeed! Die to 'self' every day.
For men shall be lovers of their own selves (2Timothy3:2 KJV)
#selfies
Ah that’s so good David, a verse I’ll add to my notes.
Thank you for reading and being here (: means a lot