My friend. I hope you'll consider reading the Roosevelt trilogy by Edmund Morris. Teddy Roosevelt was one of those men who showed me how to have a life, wife, and children all while writing. Yes your vanity may be crucified in this time and hopefully heaven tears open for you, illuminating the roads to Rome. For a man needs a mission and his wife and children are a great source of missions. The entire gospel is the unfolding mission of a child and his parents. It wraps up an entire generation. It establishes a kingdom that has no end. It alone could produce more works that the world could hold.
My hope for you is that your writing and living would become integrated. I don't believe you have become circular, you are far too young for this. But you have discovered volume. the kind of volume that requires compounding. The king of volume that breathes details into stories. I wonder how many times the Apostle John told the story of beating Peter to the empty tomb before it was canonized as some divinely inspired thing.
It is ok to feel the ways you have shared. You are experiencing the sifting of eternal and finite things. At times it feels like a furnace. Other times it is as natural as moulting where we find the old shell of our selfs has already been discarded in some past place. Keep writing. We love reading you. And you should write me if it ever strikes you to. I too should write you far more than I do. Keep writing.
"Maybe I'm scared of what parts of me writing indulges. Maybe they are not all good parts. I have grown less interested in the self, feeding the parts of me that want to feel unique or smart or whatever."
I relate hard to this! What healed me - or set me onto a healthier path with writing - was a writing group. It has become a safe space to share writing that I fear is pretentious, or muddled, or overconfident, or derivative. My writing friends see something genuine in it, admire some qualities in it.
Perhaps what is harder, and I'm still working on, is developing some patience with myself. That I am still myself even if I have been socialising and not pondering. That the useful neurosis (loved that point) of writing doesn't define me any more than my ability to paint, or hold a plank at the gym. It's all just "something I do". It all passes.
Wishing you luck figuring this stuff out, and letting out the struggles helps others feel less alone, so, thank you.
“Both deeply seized by existence and deeply alienated from it.” So beautifully put. I have heavily internalized what Stephen King wrote about writing - "It starts with this: put your desk in the corner, and every time you sit down there to write, remind yourself why it isn't in the middle of the room."
I try to have my cake and eat it too then by later trying to write about this life I'm living. Alas when the time comes, I'm once again faced with fomo, for missing the present.
So well captured and put into words! Loved starting my Saturday with your essay.
So grateful for your generosity in sharing your exploration of your journey. It’s helpful to fellow “ones”, and I guess we are a motley crew of experiences! The depths of my own mind’s compulsion to find and try to write of patterns and meaning has often led me into dark places relationally and pulled me away from the ones I want to love well.
The main thing I know for sure is that I want to grow in obedience and closeness to God. This has meant, because of my personal circumstances, I have mostly felt I must lay aside the “hermit writer life” so I can practice the presence of others and faithfully fulfil my commitments. I am mostly peaceful about this. If I never get to publish anything, it’s ok, because I made choices and God is with me in my quest to love Him and my family.
I do need to write a few times a week, in the early hours when I can think clearly, to ease my mind of its swirling burden of thoughts. An email to an understanding friend, the beginnings of an exploratory article, a poem or a journal entry. Releasing my thoughts means I am more able to be present in my daily, gritty, life. Ah. It’s a wrinkly way.
You are so good at describing the essence of a thing. That keeps me coming back to read. Thank you for sharing your thoughts even when they are difficult to put into words. You convey so much.
I appreciated reading your thoughts. I feel seen, as I often feel the same way.
My friend. I hope you'll consider reading the Roosevelt trilogy by Edmund Morris. Teddy Roosevelt was one of those men who showed me how to have a life, wife, and children all while writing. Yes your vanity may be crucified in this time and hopefully heaven tears open for you, illuminating the roads to Rome. For a man needs a mission and his wife and children are a great source of missions. The entire gospel is the unfolding mission of a child and his parents. It wraps up an entire generation. It establishes a kingdom that has no end. It alone could produce more works that the world could hold.
My hope for you is that your writing and living would become integrated. I don't believe you have become circular, you are far too young for this. But you have discovered volume. the kind of volume that requires compounding. The king of volume that breathes details into stories. I wonder how many times the Apostle John told the story of beating Peter to the empty tomb before it was canonized as some divinely inspired thing.
It is ok to feel the ways you have shared. You are experiencing the sifting of eternal and finite things. At times it feels like a furnace. Other times it is as natural as moulting where we find the old shell of our selfs has already been discarded in some past place. Keep writing. We love reading you. And you should write me if it ever strikes you to. I too should write you far more than I do. Keep writing.
Yes! We need a mission to form us and our writing🙏
"Maybe I'm scared of what parts of me writing indulges. Maybe they are not all good parts. I have grown less interested in the self, feeding the parts of me that want to feel unique or smart or whatever."
I relate hard to this! What healed me - or set me onto a healthier path with writing - was a writing group. It has become a safe space to share writing that I fear is pretentious, or muddled, or overconfident, or derivative. My writing friends see something genuine in it, admire some qualities in it.
Perhaps what is harder, and I'm still working on, is developing some patience with myself. That I am still myself even if I have been socialising and not pondering. That the useful neurosis (loved that point) of writing doesn't define me any more than my ability to paint, or hold a plank at the gym. It's all just "something I do". It all passes.
Wishing you luck figuring this stuff out, and letting out the struggles helps others feel less alone, so, thank you.
Tommy, the first thing I thought of when I finished this is “thank you for letting us in.”
Then I thought of Rumi’s The Guest House. “Every morning a new arrival…welcome and entertain them all…”
And then Ram Dass came to mind, when he described the thousands of deaths we experience in a lifetime and how we die into something larger.
Tommy, no matter how frequently or infrequently you write, it’s a profound contribution to your readers. I’m lucky to be one of them. 🙏
“Both deeply seized by existence and deeply alienated from it.” So beautifully put. I have heavily internalized what Stephen King wrote about writing - "It starts with this: put your desk in the corner, and every time you sit down there to write, remind yourself why it isn't in the middle of the room."
I try to have my cake and eat it too then by later trying to write about this life I'm living. Alas when the time comes, I'm once again faced with fomo, for missing the present.
So well captured and put into words! Loved starting my Saturday with your essay.
I loved your honesty in this. Really good.
I think you will like Paul Kingsnorth's excellent book Savage Gods, which deals with a similar topic 🙏🏻
Dear Tommy,
So grateful for your generosity in sharing your exploration of your journey. It’s helpful to fellow “ones”, and I guess we are a motley crew of experiences! The depths of my own mind’s compulsion to find and try to write of patterns and meaning has often led me into dark places relationally and pulled me away from the ones I want to love well.
The main thing I know for sure is that I want to grow in obedience and closeness to God. This has meant, because of my personal circumstances, I have mostly felt I must lay aside the “hermit writer life” so I can practice the presence of others and faithfully fulfil my commitments. I am mostly peaceful about this. If I never get to publish anything, it’s ok, because I made choices and God is with me in my quest to love Him and my family.
I do need to write a few times a week, in the early hours when I can think clearly, to ease my mind of its swirling burden of thoughts. An email to an understanding friend, the beginnings of an exploratory article, a poem or a journal entry. Releasing my thoughts means I am more able to be present in my daily, gritty, life. Ah. It’s a wrinkly way.
You are so good at describing the essence of a thing. That keeps me coming back to read. Thank you for sharing your thoughts even when they are difficult to put into words. You convey so much.