A lovely piece, Tommy. I wonder if this is why many wisdom traditions caution against (or outright forbid) idolisation of anything but God. We have a natural inclination towards worship and so the object of that worship must be of the most high virtue to avoid being led astray or existentially disappointed by the signs of their inevitable imperfection.
I think you’re right though — the people you are drawn towards often show glimpses of traits that you want to embody. Perhaps the key is to notice the behaviours that appeal to you and moderate how they can be exercised in your particular life. I suspect we would be able to admire things in others without clinging if we recognised some of it in ourselves, although maybe needing attention and tending to.
Deeply appreciate the honesty in your words as usual.
Thank you, Kwaku for reading and leaving such a beautiful reflection here. I think you're right with your point on wisdom traditions and it's the underarching idea this essay tries to get at. The worship of God is the only kind of worship that won't eat you alive. Empirically, this feels true.
It's that frustrating balance, tension, that seems to mediate all true things.
Tommy, I’ve had life get in the way of my keeping up with your posts and I had to work my way back because what I found was such a loving breath of fresh air, honesty, open and gentle study in your own self awareness and journey. It feels sacred to me and in no way “less than“ because you admire qualities of certain people and then want to understand what that admiration contributes in your life. At least that was my perception. And it is often tinted by my own journeys in the moment. Still, it spoke to me. And I have always returned time and again to “want to work to BE the full authentic person myself that I would observe and admire in others”. You speak of resonating with certain qualities and how it lights you up and tells you “yes go toward that direction” (forgive my quotes are not exact , I’m on the app and cannot see what you wrote as I type) and I love how that works, too. Thank you for this today!!
Thank you for returning Kim, despite your digital sabbaths. It means a lot for you to check in now and then :) Admiration is funny in that maybe it makes you be bigger, but makes you feel smaller. I don't know, much of it is still a mystery to me.
Appreciate you being here and your kind, thoughtful words.
Hey Tommy - Thanks! lots to think about, I've started looking at the myself and the people in my life as "nodes of influence" - we all have small influences on others who may have a small influence on others, one of the reasons to keep trying to keep pulling out the best of yourself (and the best of ourselves may be a little bit of someone else we admire, i guess idk lol)
On Canadian goalies - I had read somewhere that Hockey Canada and it's goalies had too much admiration of Carey Price (and his hyper positional/fundamentals/game reading), and Ben Bishop (being fuckin huge) that we've coached out a lot of raw talent, athleticism in the goalie talent pool. Do you think that rings true? Another example of cruel admiration? Is that why the countries best goalies went from Broduer, Roy, Fleury, Price to ... Adin Hill? Binnington? Montembeault?
Thanks for reading Clinton and the lovely reflection here! The nodes of influence is a super interesting idea, the ripple effect we can have on the world.
Haha I could talk Canadian goalies for hours, it was such a passion of mind for so many years. You're right on the deterioration of talent, perhaps it is from too much style. Brodeur and Roy were both insanely unorthodox in their game but somehow also impossible to score on.
…no one can see real reality in the witness of another…might be closer just seeing the self, but that misses much as well…and seeing the other as the self or vice versa feels even more removed…i have been thinking a lot about one way ideas… the dead vs. the living…those who talk to you, but seldom with you, stuck mainly in their own and to themself…conversation isn’t inherently better than consumption, but it feels like the value raises the more we talk to ourselves whether with A.I. or firmly held sideisms and belief…i think it was the great sonic youth who wrote kill yr idols…i might argue that instead of shunning or destroying them we only believe in the ones who give us equal belief and worth…strangers stay strange and absent…let in those who let you do the same in them…
Thank you CansaFis for reading and your mystic wisdom here. "Kill your idols" is also like that J. Cole song about no role models, whether it's ultimately liberating or ultimately damning, I'm not sure.
"We only believe in the ones who give us equal belief and worth" is so so good.
Tommy - I have more to say later. I just wanted to put this on the comment board:
“Maybe that's why love is the way to life, while admiration can be so punishing. We admire something for a reason. But we love something for no reason at all.”
And now I admire you and this profoundly powerful, real, and honest writing. You aspired to be a hockey player but you became this deep thinker and talented writer? Perhaps this is the unfolding thats laden with surprises. Perhaps life’s detours often lead to something richer. I think i take that over any engineered formula.
P.S. Admiring beautiful snow kissed Ontario from afar.
Thank you Golnar, I really appreciate you reading & the kind words here. I think you're exactly right on the "unfolding thats laden with surprises". Life's plans always prove to be far more expansive and grander than my little mind ever conceives them to be.
"...it's like I already have a fully formed ideal of the man I want to become that's imprinted in the back of my brain. When I encounter people who reflect fragments of that ideal, fireworks go off. A voice in my brain whispers, 'Yes, move closer to that'."
I very much resonate with the struggle you describe Tommy. I'd say it actually hurt to admire others because it always made me feel as though I was then inferior by comparison. But the attempt to block or suppress the admiration in myself just fed its tumorous cousin, jealousy, which is a more aggressive cancer of character. It was only after admitting, first to myself, and then to a decades long friend, that I had distanced myself from him out of jealousy, that something shifted. Without planning it this way it's like it opened the door to being able to admire some aspect of almost everyone—which seems to have had the same effect of admiring no one. It's going halfway with admiration that seems to be the poison. Admiring everyone is like being inoculated to the disease of comparison.
Rick, I was a bit concerned after writing this essay, worried what some would think, and your words here felt like a big bear hug. I love your point on the ties between admiration and jealousy. I had a point (I cut out) on how admiration edges on anger, how similarity spites the darkest forms of competition, how role models serve as a brutal reminder of all that I'm not and do not have, and if I'm not very careful, it can turn to contempt.
I deeply appreciate your presence and wisdom here. Thank you :)
"I had a point (I cut out) on how admiration edges on anger, how similarity spites the darkest forms of competition, how role models serve as a brutal reminder of all that I'm not and do not have, and if I'm not very careful, it can turn to contempt." In my opinion this is an extremely potent and crucial part of the conversation you started on this matter. Perhaps you'll pick up the topic again at some point and can introduce these distinctions as well. Developing contempt for those we elevate as role models is a particularly intriguing topic.
Oh, if I had your wisdom when I was your age. Struggling right now. It seems the absolute best I can do is to be kind and compassionate. Much easier to be that way with those I’m not closest to. Keeping this to reflect on.
The absolute best any of us can do is be kind and compassionate. I think that's a pretty good place to be Monica.
You make a good point on closeness versus distance. Paradoxically, some relationships can be healthiest at a distance. But with the intensity of family I see it also as a meaningful challenge, a test of my capacity to be in relationship with humanity, even when it's hard.
This reminded me of a Chris Williamson quote: "The price you'd need to pay to be the people you admire is often one you wouldn't be prepared to foot the bill for."
Clare - to me the price, or “cost” would be an infinitely unfulfilled life. A tragedy. I think it was Joseph Campbell who said, “the privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” Can a price on that? Maybe the cost is dying.
A lovely piece, Tommy. I wonder if this is why many wisdom traditions caution against (or outright forbid) idolisation of anything but God. We have a natural inclination towards worship and so the object of that worship must be of the most high virtue to avoid being led astray or existentially disappointed by the signs of their inevitable imperfection.
I think you’re right though — the people you are drawn towards often show glimpses of traits that you want to embody. Perhaps the key is to notice the behaviours that appeal to you and moderate how they can be exercised in your particular life. I suspect we would be able to admire things in others without clinging if we recognised some of it in ourselves, although maybe needing attention and tending to.
Deeply appreciate the honesty in your words as usual.
Cheers,
Kwaku
Thank you, Kwaku for reading and leaving such a beautiful reflection here. I think you're right with your point on wisdom traditions and it's the underarching idea this essay tries to get at. The worship of God is the only kind of worship that won't eat you alive. Empirically, this feels true.
It's that frustrating balance, tension, that seems to mediate all true things.
Deeply appreciate you being here & your thoughts
Tommy, I’ve had life get in the way of my keeping up with your posts and I had to work my way back because what I found was such a loving breath of fresh air, honesty, open and gentle study in your own self awareness and journey. It feels sacred to me and in no way “less than“ because you admire qualities of certain people and then want to understand what that admiration contributes in your life. At least that was my perception. And it is often tinted by my own journeys in the moment. Still, it spoke to me. And I have always returned time and again to “want to work to BE the full authentic person myself that I would observe and admire in others”. You speak of resonating with certain qualities and how it lights you up and tells you “yes go toward that direction” (forgive my quotes are not exact , I’m on the app and cannot see what you wrote as I type) and I love how that works, too. Thank you for this today!!
Thank you for returning Kim, despite your digital sabbaths. It means a lot for you to check in now and then :) Admiration is funny in that maybe it makes you be bigger, but makes you feel smaller. I don't know, much of it is still a mystery to me.
Appreciate you being here and your kind, thoughtful words.
Hey Tommy - Thanks! lots to think about, I've started looking at the myself and the people in my life as "nodes of influence" - we all have small influences on others who may have a small influence on others, one of the reasons to keep trying to keep pulling out the best of yourself (and the best of ourselves may be a little bit of someone else we admire, i guess idk lol)
On Canadian goalies - I had read somewhere that Hockey Canada and it's goalies had too much admiration of Carey Price (and his hyper positional/fundamentals/game reading), and Ben Bishop (being fuckin huge) that we've coached out a lot of raw talent, athleticism in the goalie talent pool. Do you think that rings true? Another example of cruel admiration? Is that why the countries best goalies went from Broduer, Roy, Fleury, Price to ... Adin Hill? Binnington? Montembeault?
Thanks for reading Clinton and the lovely reflection here! The nodes of influence is a super interesting idea, the ripple effect we can have on the world.
Haha I could talk Canadian goalies for hours, it was such a passion of mind for so many years. You're right on the deterioration of talent, perhaps it is from too much style. Brodeur and Roy were both insanely unorthodox in their game but somehow also impossible to score on.
…no one can see real reality in the witness of another…might be closer just seeing the self, but that misses much as well…and seeing the other as the self or vice versa feels even more removed…i have been thinking a lot about one way ideas… the dead vs. the living…those who talk to you, but seldom with you, stuck mainly in their own and to themself…conversation isn’t inherently better than consumption, but it feels like the value raises the more we talk to ourselves whether with A.I. or firmly held sideisms and belief…i think it was the great sonic youth who wrote kill yr idols…i might argue that instead of shunning or destroying them we only believe in the ones who give us equal belief and worth…strangers stay strange and absent…let in those who let you do the same in them…
Thank you CansaFis for reading and your mystic wisdom here. "Kill your idols" is also like that J. Cole song about no role models, whether it's ultimately liberating or ultimately damning, I'm not sure.
"We only believe in the ones who give us equal belief and worth" is so so good.
Tommy - I have more to say later. I just wanted to put this on the comment board:
“Maybe that's why love is the way to life, while admiration can be so punishing. We admire something for a reason. But we love something for no reason at all.”
Just perfect.
Thank you James, this was a scary one to publish, and having your presence and kindness here is meaningful. Appreciate you :)
This stimulated my brain. I'm going to print it out and read it every once in a while.
Thank you for reading Bindusmita (: so glad it resonated!
And now I admire you and this profoundly powerful, real, and honest writing. You aspired to be a hockey player but you became this deep thinker and talented writer? Perhaps this is the unfolding thats laden with surprises. Perhaps life’s detours often lead to something richer. I think i take that over any engineered formula.
P.S. Admiring beautiful snow kissed Ontario from afar.
Thank you Golnar, I really appreciate you reading & the kind words here. I think you're exactly right on the "unfolding thats laden with surprises". Life's plans always prove to be far more expansive and grander than my little mind ever conceives them to be.
I love how “small aside” this part is:
“Besides, a good life, a life that actually fits, cannot be engineered, but rather must unfold. It's less about structure and more about surprise.”
There should definitely be more on this
Thank you for reading Misha! Funny enough I did write an entire essay on that idea but forgot to hyperlink it because I'm a silly goose (here: https://www.tommydixon.ca/p/how-to-design-a-good-life)
"...it's like I already have a fully formed ideal of the man I want to become that's imprinted in the back of my brain. When I encounter people who reflect fragments of that ideal, fireworks go off. A voice in my brain whispers, 'Yes, move closer to that'."
Yes! This, exactly!
Thanks for reading Abby :) so happy it resonated
I very much resonate with the struggle you describe Tommy. I'd say it actually hurt to admire others because it always made me feel as though I was then inferior by comparison. But the attempt to block or suppress the admiration in myself just fed its tumorous cousin, jealousy, which is a more aggressive cancer of character. It was only after admitting, first to myself, and then to a decades long friend, that I had distanced myself from him out of jealousy, that something shifted. Without planning it this way it's like it opened the door to being able to admire some aspect of almost everyone—which seems to have had the same effect of admiring no one. It's going halfway with admiration that seems to be the poison. Admiring everyone is like being inoculated to the disease of comparison.
Rick, I was a bit concerned after writing this essay, worried what some would think, and your words here felt like a big bear hug. I love your point on the ties between admiration and jealousy. I had a point (I cut out) on how admiration edges on anger, how similarity spites the darkest forms of competition, how role models serve as a brutal reminder of all that I'm not and do not have, and if I'm not very careful, it can turn to contempt.
I deeply appreciate your presence and wisdom here. Thank you :)
"I had a point (I cut out) on how admiration edges on anger, how similarity spites the darkest forms of competition, how role models serve as a brutal reminder of all that I'm not and do not have, and if I'm not very careful, it can turn to contempt." In my opinion this is an extremely potent and crucial part of the conversation you started on this matter. Perhaps you'll pick up the topic again at some point and can introduce these distinctions as well. Developing contempt for those we elevate as role models is a particularly intriguing topic.
Beautiful piece, Tommy! I love it. Thank you! 🫀✨
Thank you Paloma :) really appreciate you reading & the kind words
Oh, if I had your wisdom when I was your age. Struggling right now. It seems the absolute best I can do is to be kind and compassionate. Much easier to be that way with those I’m not closest to. Keeping this to reflect on.
The absolute best any of us can do is be kind and compassionate. I think that's a pretty good place to be Monica.
You make a good point on closeness versus distance. Paradoxically, some relationships can be healthiest at a distance. But with the intensity of family I see it also as a meaningful challenge, a test of my capacity to be in relationship with humanity, even when it's hard.
This reminded me of a Chris Williamson quote: "The price you'd need to pay to be the people you admire is often one you wouldn't be prepared to foot the bill for."
Clare - to me the price, or “cost” would be an infinitely unfulfilled life. A tragedy. I think it was Joseph Campbell who said, “the privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” Can a price on that? Maybe the cost is dying.
This R1 dialogue reads like a worthy Reader Comment on your article—so here it is: https://twitter.com/mpshanahan/status/1883189053497184728
Thanks Chris! Appreciate you reading. It's a treat to see your name in the comments.